'The Bachelor' Recap: 'I Got a Pity Hug'

Oh my god, rose lovers, I’m exhausted. Aren’t you? And as we enter week 4 of The Bachelor, so are the “ladies.”

But as Olivia predicts, something “different” is happening today. Here comes Chris Harrison with the wake-up call.

Vegas, baby! Also known as the “marriage capital of the world.” And in his first romantic gesture, Ben has Team Bachelor welcome the “ladies” with a greeting on a billboard, and they are just SO MOVED.

After an obligatory promotional-consideration-tour of the hotel, Calia reveals that the first one-on-one date goes to… JoJo! Which means I finally get to use my GIF of happy Mojo JoJo from Powerpuff Girls!

But before we get to the date, it’s time for a little Foreshadowing Theater. You see, Emily and Haley are still here, and they’re still twins. They still do everything together — they live together, work out together, exercise together, and yes, they want to go on a one-on-one date together. (Like Barbie says, math is hard.) Anyhow, the point of this aside is that Team Bachelor is clearly letting us know here that one of the twins is going home this week. Why else did they show us a Twin weeping in the preview, about something she “knew” was going to happen?

Now, back to JoJo’s date. Olivia may look unhappy…

…but she insists everything’s fine, OKAY? “I feel so good about what we have,” she gushes. “So good.”

JoJo, meanwhile, is polite enough to act surprised when a helicopter arrives to pick them up for their date — even though they’ve been waiting around drinking champagne on a rooftop parking lot. And thank God they were, because it gives us one of the best moments in Bachelor history.

Congratulations all around to everyone involved in this moment — from the interns who set up the table to the producers who didn’t realize that it clearly wasn’t weighted down properly, to Ben for first attempting to save the champagne and then giving up and sheltering behind the overturned table. “How bad does my hair look?” moans JoJo, always a girl. She need not have worried: Just as getting off the freeway reminded Dionne and Murray how important love is, almost getting blown off a high-rise roof by a helicopter has made Ben realize how important it is that he make out with JoJo before they die in some kind of freak accident.

The “ladies,” watching this all unfold from a few stories above, are not pleased. “He is just going to fall for her while I’m sitting in a hotel room,” says a dazed Olivia. She’s even more stunned to learn that the only other one-on-one date of the week will be going to Becca. Actually, could somebody check on Olivia? I think she might be catatonic.

Meanwhile, JoJo and Ben are enjoying some dinner at the SkyLofts™ at the MGM Grand, where JoJo is determined to “share some things with [Ben] that I’m scared to talk about.” Unlike Jubilee, though, JoJo doesn’t really have much to reveal — just your standard-issue pablum about “walls” and “fears” and “being open” and “feelings” and so on. The biggest bombshell in her arsenal is the fact that her last relationship ended 5 months ago. But JoJo says she is “without a doubt” ready to settle down with Ben should he decide to hand her the final rose. God I am so bored. Just give her the date rose already.

Fireworks. Kissing. On to the group date!

We’re in Vegas, so you know there’s going to be some kind of embarrassing “performance” element to today’s group date. Enter America’s Got Talent winner Terry Fator. (Side note: When Caila says she “grew up” watching Terry Fator on TV, does she mean she saw him win AGT in 2007, when she was 15?) Mr. Fator has assembled a rack of cast-off costumes and accessories for the “ladies” to use in an upcoming “talent show.” Lauren B. promptly announces that she has “zero talent,” while Lauren H. gamely dons a chicken suit for lack of a better alternative.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelor’ Episode 4

Olivia, all tarted up in a red sequin showgirl get-up is brimming with confidence, as per usual. “I did shave this morning,” she announces. “I knew this was coming.”

The time comes to hit the stage — and honestly, I hope the Mirage offered a few drinks on the house to members of this unlucky audience. Haley and Emily kick things off with a competent Riverdance; Jubilee offers an adequate cello number; Lauren B. juggles; Amanda hula-hoops way better than I ever could; Caila does a hula dance in a belly-dancer outfit; Rachel makes and/or displays balloon animals; Lauren H. sings a song about Ben to the tune of “Old MacDonald”; Leah hops on a pogo stick while dressed as a clown; and Jennifer assault’s Terry Fator’s puppet tramp with tennis balls.

At last, it’s time for Olivia. A giant cake is wheeled onto the stage, and Olivia emerges tentatively, looking far more sheepish and uncertain than you’d expect given all of her “I’m not afraid of standing out tonight” bluster throughout the night. Olivia proceeds to perform a series of clumsy kicks, all the while clutching her red sequined cape around her tightly. I think Caila’s face sums up how we’re all feeling.

Actually, this twin’s expression really says it all.

As for Ben? He laughs, he winces, he covers his eyes, he prays for the good Lord to give him strength to survive this unbearably cringe-worthy experience.

And when it’s all over, Olivia’s veneer of cocky confidence crumbles, and she begins to fall apart. “I don’t want to be on camera!” she wails. “Why can’t we just have a moment?” (Girl, that was a rhetorical question, right?) She darts into Boyz II Men’s dressing room to cry and hyperventilate — her showgirl headdress abandoned on the ground like so much feathery roadkill.

“I couldn’t even look at him because I knew he was mortified,” Olivia murmurs, in a rare moment of self-awareness. “When I got off the stage, I got a pity hug.” Eventually, she pulls her shit together for the post-performance cocktail party, which begins with Caila pouncing on Ben the second she can get him alone. “She’s like a tigress!” marvels the Bachelor. “Like a sex panther!”

Incidentally, “sex panther” sounds like a more legitimate job description than some of the other made-up occupations we’ve seen on this show. Speaking of weird sex nicknames, Lauren H. spends her one-on-one time chatting with Ben and “Little Ben” — a.k.a. a puppet production stole from Terry Fator. Their conversation ends the way so many of Ben’s conversations do — with his tongue in the other person’s mouth — but I’ve gotta say I kind of like Lauren. She’s just happy to be there, you know? Never complains, never cries, never bitches about anything. (Though I’m still a little miffed about her comment about Jubilee not fitting in with the other “soccer moms.”) Whether she’s empty-headed or just remarkably well adjusted, Lauren H. knows how to stay sane on a sadistic reality TV dating show. More power to you, honey.

Eventually it’s Olivia’s turn to get alone time with Ben, so she hitches up her silk bathrobe (seriously, what IS she wearing?) and takes the Bachelor’s hand. “I need to drink heavily,” she tells Ben, filling him in on her “complete breakdown” about her embarrassing burlesque fail. Rather than be honest with her, Ben keeps insisting her performance was “great” and “funny,” which is as annoying as it is insulting. Before Olivia can squeeze any real reassurance out of him, however, one of the twins arrives to “steal” Ben away. She handles the situation the way any of us would — by eating her feelings.

Elsewhere, Other Lauren — or is Lauren H. “Other Lauren”? I can’t remember! — anyway, Lauren B. is coming on strong, cooing to Ben about how much she missed him since their one-on-one and teasing, “That could be, like, my last first date ever.” Not if Olivia has anything to say about it, toots! Having blown her first chat with Ben tonight, Olivia slithers off to find him again — and when she does, the Bachelor looks less than pleased. “I’m sorry about that, I don’t know what’s going on,” he mutters under his breath to Emily, who he was in the middle of talking to.

What’s going on, Ben, is that Olivia is having a nervous breakdown in front of your eyes. “What I did today wasn’t me,” she giggles, snapping her fingers and swinging her arms nervously. “I just want to… ski dance.” He shuts her up with an “everything’s fine” kiss, but you can tell he just wants to get the hell outta Dodge. Before he leaves, though, Ben gives the date rose to Lauren B.

The second one-on-one date of the week goes to Becca, and it begins even before Ben arrives. A hotel employee delivers a large white box containing a strapless wedding dress and a note ordering Becca to get dressed for her “big day.” As Jubilee helpfully points out, Becca — who’s still a virgin — is really the only woman there qualified to wear white on her wedding day.

A pink convertible transports Becca to A Little White Chapel, where Ben is waiting in a somewhat ill-fitting tux. The Bachelor launches into a faux-proposal that ends with, “Will you marry… other people with me today?” Yes, today’s date activity is joining couples together in holy matrimony, in one of the unholiest places on earth. Ben, who’s been Internet-ordained for the occasion, and Becca (who, presumably, hasn’t) conduct pro-forma ceremonies for a stream of couples — all so Becca can ultimately serve up this soundbite: “If it’s me at the end, I could see myself — him in a tuxedo and me in a dress — walking down the aisle.”

After they’ve done their part to keep the country’s divorce rate at 50 percent, Ben and Becca head to the Neon Museum for drinks. Becca lets Ben know that she cares “so much more” this time around than she did on her first season of The Bachelor. “It’s good to feel,” agrees the Bachelor. As for the whole virginity thing, Ben is more concerned about how Becca feels about him not being a virgin, given that they both share similar religious beliefs. (Props to Ben for holding himself to the same standard.) “I don’t feel like that would be an issue at all,” Becca assures him. And he LOVES it. They smooch and exchange silly vows (“I vow to laugh when it gets awkward”; “I vow to always tell you you’re great”) and smooch some more. Is there any doubt she gets the date rose? Of course not.

Now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for: The twin-on-one date! Harrison arrives at the hotel before most of the “ladies” are awake; they emerge from the room bleary-eyed and makeup free. “Ben has asked if he could have one more date… with two women in particular,” explains the host. “Emily and Haley!” At least one of them is surprised.

“Dating twins has been difficult,” Ben tells us. “I thought this would be a good way to maybe do an early hometown.” And by “early hometown,” he clearly means, “finally figure out which one is which and just pick one for God’s sake.”

The limo takes them straight to Emily and Haley’s house, where the twins’ equally-blonde mother awaits. Haley gives Ben the 10-cent tour, stopping first at her bedroom — which looks as much like a 15-year-old girl’s room as you’d expect, complete with teddy bears on the bed, a truly impressive array of Victoria’s Secret body sprays, and framed photos of her ex-boyfriend. Haley tells Ben he should feel comfortable to treat them as “individuals,” and that she knows he’ll have to “choose one” before long. Emily, meanwhile, sounds way more in it to win it: “I want this badly,” she tells Ben during her alone time. “I just feel like I’m having a stronger connection that what [Haley’s] having.” Wow, twin-batoage!

Before the Bachelor can make his choice, however, he needs to check in with the twins’ mama. “Emily has always been the more dominant twin,” she tells Ben. “But Haley — once she feels comfortable… she is 1,000 percent in.” Given that Ben is clearly a submissive, I think we all know who’s going to prevail in this battle of the blondes.

Dominant Twin FTW! “Rejection isn’t easy,” says Haley tearfully. “But more importantly, I’m thankful that Emily does get to continue on this journey — even if it’s alone.” Don’t cry, honey! I’m pretty sure your sister will be home sooner than you think.

The cocktail party rolls around, and despite Olivia’s determination to “grab” Ben right away for some last-minute damage control, it’s Jennifer who makes the first move. The other “ladies,” who hate Olivia with a white-hot passion, could not be happier. “I’m really proud of Jen,” beams Leah. “Woo-hoo!” That elation is short-lived, however, because Olivia barely waits three minutes before breaking up Jennifer’s one-on-one chat with Ben. “I don’t care about anyone else’s relationship with Ben than mine,” growls Olivia. “We need to move forward with each other tonight.”

To do that, she brings Ben a slice of cheesecake and apologizes again for the talent show debacle. “I don’t need you to apologize to me for jumping out of a cake,” says Ben yet again, sounding more than a little annoyed. “I don’t need you to tell me, like, ‘Oh, I’m so awkward,’ because you’re not awkward to me. Like, that stuff is endearing, and it’s cute.” How about when she starts talking about herself in the third person — “Olivia is here for you” — is that endearing and cute, Ben? Cause if you ask me, it’s yet another reason to send Miss Thing packing.

Oh hey look! The #SexPanther has pounced again!

After making out with Caila and Becca, and canoodling a bit with Amanda, Ben spends a few minutes reassuring Jubilee that she’ll get a rose — in so many words, at least. “You’re beautiful, you’re funny, you’re sweet, you’re incredibly intelligent, you’ve served our country…” and so on. Seriously, Jubilee, he’s right — enough with the “I’m not sure I’m good enough” shtick. It’s getting old… and so am I, so let’s get to the rose ceremony, okay?

It’s time to find out who will join Becca, JoJo and Lauren B. in the Circle of Safety. The fact that Olivia (who is still talking about herself in the third person) just announced “Olivia is here to stay” makes me wonder if perhaps we’re in for a surprise? Robot roll call: Amanda, Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily, #SexPanther, Jennifer (this prompts Olivia to mutter a scornful, “Seriously?”), Leah, and… Olivia, a name Ben utters with a complete lack of enthusiasm. Of course, she thinks he’s saving “the best for last,” when in fact Ben has clearly agreed to keep Olivia around one more week to appease Team Bachelor. After all, she gives such good crazy.

And so we say goodbye (yet again) to Amber, and bid farewell to Rachel the Unemployed. That’s right, Amber — you ditch those high heels! No need to conform to society’s patriarchal standards of beauty when you’re riding in the Reject Van. And no offense, but I hope we never see you again. It’s time to break free, girl.

Well, rose lovers, I need to know your thoughts: Did Ben send home the right twin? Is Olivia a goner? And is #SexPanther a compliment? Post your thoughts now! Be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog as well. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think we’re out of Oreos, and that cookie game made me hungry.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC. Bachelor Live airs Mondays at 10 p.m. on ABC.