6 Things To Never Say To A Woman Who Doesn't Have Kids

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I’m a nice person. Honestly. I can keep a conversation going with the best of them, while navigating tricky topics like politics and religion. But there is one topic that leaves me stunned and grasping for words: When someone decides to explore the lack of babies in my life.

There’s the look of pity and a quick, “Oh, I’m sorry.”(You should be, just for going there.) Other times it’s the way-too-intimate questions. (“We met five minutes ago and you’re asking about my uterus??!”) And then, there are the humiliating assumptions: “You haven’t found the right guy yet.” “You must have trouble in the fertility department.” “You’re too focused on your career.” I got your career focus right here…

Suzie Wright, 55, says she can relate to the sad looks and apologies when people find out she doesn’t have kids. “Almost everyone assumes I wanted kids but couldn’t have them,” she says, “and neither is true.” Kathleen Keating, a 48-year-old non-mom adds that it’s the questions others ask her when they find out she’s childless that really tick her off: “I get a lot of, ‘Why don’t you have kids?’ and 'Didn’t you want kids?’ ” she says. “How about not asking the question at all,” says Keating. And 27-year-old Laura Fredrick says some of the comments she receives are downright rude. “'You’ll change your mind’ and 'You’re selfish’ are two I get a lot—and despise,” she says.

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Kathy McCoy, a licensed marriage and family therapist without kids says she can relate to this on both a professional and personal level. “We wouldn’t think of asking a woman with children, 'Why did you have children, anyway?’ or 'Why do you have so many children?'—but the childless woman is fair game,” she says. That needs to change, says Tamur Gur, MD, an assistant professor of psychiatry and women’s behavioral and mental health expert at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center. “The most important thing to keep in mind when speaking to a childless woman or man is that, unless they’ve confided in you, you literally have no idea why they are childless,” she says. “This makes the situation rife with possibilities to offend them, which means there is virtually nothing that’s acceptable to say.”

Here’s what not to say the next time you’re talking to someone who doesn’t have any kids:

“Why don’t you have kids?”
This one falls under the none-of-your-business category, says Gur. Sure, there are exceptions. You might feel comfortable asking this question once you get to know someone and you’re at the point in your friendship where you’re starting to divulge personal details about one another. But until then, it’s important to remember that the answer to this question might bring up very personal, potentially very sad responses, adds McCoy. Bottom line: don’t go there unless your childless friend brings it up. And even then, tread gently.

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“I’m sorry.”
Laurie Rose, a 50-year-old non-mom says this comment elicits a strong reaction in her, which goes something like this: “I’m not sorry. It was a decision I made. It is not a medical issue for me, nor is it something that I regret,” she says. Next time you’re about to offer your condolences to a childless woman whose back story you don’t know, imagine her responding with something along those lines—and watch it remind you of the beauty of simply nodding, says Gur.

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“Have you tried [insert new procedure or fertility fad here]?"

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This one may come from a helpful, well-meaning place, but it’s certainly presupposing that whomever you’re talking to is actually trying to have a child—and is infertile. Even if you know she might be trying, there are better ways to offer your support, says Elizabeth Yuko, a bioethicist specializing in reproductive ethics. "Saying things like, 'Just relax,’ 'You’ll get pregnant when you stop trying so hard,’ or 'You should see Dr. So-and-So,’ are equally unhelpful,” she says. “Trust me, if a woman wants to get pregnant, she has likely done her research and is probably trying very hard,” she says.

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“If you don’t have kids, who will take care of you when you’re older?”

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Want to know how a lot of childless people would like to respond when they hear this one? It goes something like, “Why are you so sure your kids are going to take care of you?” says Gur.

“What do you do with all of your free time?”

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Talk about annoying: “This totally discounts the stresses and workloads of women who don’t have children,” says psychotherapist and relationship coach Toni Coleman, LCSW. “Also, assuming a childless woman has all kinds of leisure time suggests she likes it that way, when really she could be grieving because she’s not able to have kids or she isn’t in a relationship where that’s a shared goal,” she says. “It’s insensitive and presumptuous.”

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“You’ll change your mind.”

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When people say this to 22-year-old Melissa Vitale, she says it feels like a personal attack on her ability to make decisions. “I’ve had 22 years of babysitting, spending time with younger cousins, and sitting next to noisy children at restaurants. I’ve even had a child projectile vomit on me at a wine bar,” says Vitale. “It’s not anyone’s responsibility to tell me what I will or won’t want in the future.” Related comments to avoid: “But you’d be a great mom!” “It’ll happen for you one day!” and “Don’t worry, you still have time!”

By Meghan Rabbitt

This article ‘6 Things To Never Say To A Woman Who Doesn’t Have Kids’ originally ran on Prevention.com.

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