AHS: Freak Show "Pink Cupcakes" Review: TIGHTY FRIGHTIES (PHOTO RECAP)
American Horror Story S04E05: "Pink Cupcakes"
Although I watch all my television in the TV display aisle at Sears, I really love a lot of shows! Good Luck Charlie, QVC's Christmas in July sale, you name it. Television has never been better. But sometimes I hear a rumor that TV was better about three years ago, specifically on FX and specifically the first season of American Horror Story. To investigate this rumor I went back and watched the first three episodes of Murder House and guess what? They were not great episodes! The editing made me seasick and the main characters were uniformly awful people—except for Connie Britton's hair—and it all felt like a frantic mish-mash of deeply unpleasant concepts. Compare that to the opening episodes of Freak Show and Coven, two seasons that a startling number of people mistakenly consider to be inferior to Season 1: They're cohesive and full of vibrant characters, and they've settled into a rhythm that's less concerned with making us nauseated and more focused on building compelling worlds. I'm still not totally sure why people think Coven didn't come together in the end, while Murder House's "everyone dies" conclusion was considered satisfying? Also I didn't care for Frozen.
Freak Show could be fairly accused of not being particularly horrifying. Sure, the Twisty stuff was nightmare fodder, but for the most part the narrative has been about people being unfairly subjected to the "monster" label, as opposed to actual monsters to be afraid of. But much like each season of American Horror Story has a different setting and plot, they also sample from different genres. Freak Show is the dark, period melodrama punctuated by the occasional Lana Del Rey song. Which is fine! The series doesn't always have to be a Greatest Hits of Horror mixtape; the word "horror" is flexible enough to apply to almost any dark journey. However, that issue was moot this week, as "Pink Cupcakes" was a very scary and gross episode! This hour had it all: Gabourey Sidibe, Matt Bomer in tighty whities, Angela Bassett doing so much acting, an American Psycho-inspired workout scene, and a truly brutal murder. The first episode of Freak Show did a great job of establishing the world, but "Pink Cupcakes" may have been its strongest episode yet. Let's talk about it!
We started at the Museum of Morbidity with a bit of a refresher about what exactly the two con artists were up to.
But it was actually a dream sequence within a flashback! The Illustrated Seal had not been captured and placed in formaldehyde, but that didn't mean a con artist couldn't dream, you know?
I think this scene in the motel was supposed to signal a few things, namely that Maggie wasn't wild about the idea of killing people and also that Stanley liked to read wrestling magazines. Ugh, the '50s.
Then Mrs. Mott woke up to find a dead Patti LaBelle staining the tile!
At first Dandy ran downstairs and tried to pretend he hadn't done it, but credit where credit's due, Mrs. Mott knows her child. Realizing he'd been busted, Dandy sorta apologized.
I don't know about you guys, but I got the impression he was not sorry at all!
Meanwhile Stanley was hanging out in Elsa's tent trying to woo her to Hollywood with a concept that she truly hated.
I mean, this was obviously a funny scene. Hearing Elsa describe the terrible disgrace of television was clearly meant to be VERY ironic, but I also have to question Stanley's con artistry. Shouldn't he have tried to entice her with something she'd actually WANT? Go back to con art school, Stanley.
Meanwhile out in the field, Maggie kinda flirted with Jimmy while he was trying to juggle.
It was cute how she basically tried to tip him off about her plan to help murder his friends, but instead of Jimmy taking her cue to leave town he went in for the kill instead!
Aw, nice try, Jimmy. After that mega rejection he went to go check in on Desiree, but she was thinking about skipping that night's show so she could spend more time getting crunk'd.
Desiree had HAD it. And sometimes sad vibes are contagious, because that's when Jimmy sat down to have a cry about Meep and failure.
But again, the second she tried to comfort him he mouth-attacked her!
Jimmy was horny, guys. There's no getting around that, he was horny as h*ck. Fortunately Desiree was BOUT IT so she politely asked him to put those lobster hands to work!
Unfortunately that's when things got weird.
Whoops, that's not good. Next thing we knew the bearded lady was whisking Desiree off to the doctor!
So then that night's show started and it turned out that no amount of heroics on Jimmy's part could transform the townspeople of Jupiter, Florida, into Bowie fans.
Elsa bombed so hard that the audio dropped out and she just frowned and ran away from torrents and torrents of popcorn, which, instead of being covered in rich creamy butter, that popcorn was covered in HATERADE.
That's when Elsa had to reconsider Stanley's fake offer to star on a TV show.
Next: Page 2, featuring the best crazyperson underwear workout montage ever
(Continued from Page 1)
Meanwhile Desiree got some interesting news from the doctor:
It turned out she wasn't a hermaphrodite after all, she was just a lady with three breasts and an extra large ladypart, what of it? This meant it was still possible to get pregnant. Again. As she'd just miscarried a couple minutes earlier.
But of course, as someone who had previously been knocked up by Desiree's husband, Ethel had mixed feelings about the prospect of Desiree sitting on that junk dick again.
Back at Mott Manor, Dandy's mother had decided to help dispose of Patti LaBelle's body by instructing the gardeners to dig a 12-foot grave beneath a flower planter.
We also learned that the Mott family has a history of incest-derived criminal insanity, so she was not particularly surprised by Dandy's psychosis. The's when Dandy pled with her to either allow him to become an actor or a serial killer, and it was obvious that he'd be going with the less-crazy option.
So then there was this weird fake-out where Elsa was getting ready for some kind of picnic with Stanley and it was all set to another David Bowie song ("Fame") and then she came outside but Stanley was pulling away with a set of conjoined twins in the backseat instead!
Poor Elsa! She'd busted out her burgundy fur for nothing.
But why had Stanley decided to take the twins instead? This might answer your question:
And you're probably wondering how he could have managed to do such a thing. Here's how:
That's right: Poisoned cupcakes. That he kept offering to the girls on a saucer in the absence of actual lunch food. But don't get too bent out of shape about it, because this was all just another one of Stanley's legendary daytime fancies! The twins were fine.
Speaking of fine (sorry) have you ever heard the story of the American psycho?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the mother of all crazyperson underwear workout montages!
NOBODY'S MAD. Except Dandy, he's pretty mad. Like as in the British way. (I mean crazy.)
It was this big montage about how he's readying himself mind, body, and spirit to become the world's best crazyperson or whatever. I had no idea the crazyperson-workout montage involved so much baby oil, but I stand corrected.
Anyway, then Dandy went to a bar. You know the kind of bar. This kind of bar:
Also a Bryan Ferry song was playing? And guess who else was there!
It was the strong man, who is apparently gay, and his boyfriend-for-hire, Matt Bomer! This was perfect because in a way Matt Bomer is ALL OF OUR boyfriend for hire. Anyway, this was one of those sad/frustrating scenes because the strong man was like, "be with me" and the hooker was like "cash American pls." So the strong man stormed away, which led to an opening for a certain dapper Dandy.
Meanwhile at home the strong man's day just kept getting worse. For example, Desiree informed him that she'd miscarried and that she wants to get pregnant again but with literally anybody else other than him because he's trash and the bearded lady had told her so.
GOOD FOR HER. But also, good for US. Angela Bassett is truly incredible and this was a great episode for her skills. Angry Angela Bassett is truly sublime. I was hoping she would light something on fire on the way out, but maybe next week.
As you can imagine, things were about to go south for Matt Bomer, and not in a sexy way. Well, SORT OF in a sexy way. I mean, he and Dandy both undressed down to tighty whities (win) in Twisty's old trailer (loss).
I think we've all been here though. Seeing a date's living situation for the first time and trying to pretend you're not grossed out. Usually it's because he or she owns a papasan, but in this case it had something to do with the stench of murder.
And then this happened:
EMMYS: FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION, BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY. THANKS
And yeah:
It was a truly grisly stabbing, which had a lot to do with the fact that Dandy seemed to be using a letter opener or something? That is just a lot of puncture wounds.
Then Dandy tried to destroy the body using acid in a bathtub that I guess was Twisty's bathtub? But it was so clean? I don't know.
All I know is, Dandy had jumped the gun on the whole 'is the hooker dead' question.
YIKES. What a terrible way to go. That's just my opinion though. Maybe you think it's a pretty okay way to go, or at least a medium fine way to go. But in my opinion: No me gusta. R.I.P. MATT BOMER.
I don't know about the rest of you, but the only thing better than an appearance by Matt Bomer in tighty whities is an appearance by national treasure Gabourey Sidibe! I'm serious, I love her with all of my heart and I'd been waiting so patiently for her to finally appear and SHE DID!
She plays Patti LaBelle's daughter and she was calling to see if her mom had by any chance been murdered or something. Which led to Mrs. Mott waxing poignant about what a bad mother she'd been to Dandy because she'd allowed the help to raise him.
I loved how easily Gabourey Sidibe got out of the phone conversation. Just by saying "I'm uncomfortable now" and hanging up. IF ONLY I could do that every time I was uncomfortable with a conversation! I truly need to try this trick.
I also loved what happened when they hung up the phone and the split-screen returned to single screen:
SO GOOD. And Dandy was wearing my favorite kind of outfit: BLOOD.
The tragic, O. Henry style twist was that now that Dandy had developed a taste for murder after murdering the maid, there was no longer a maid left to clean up the mess he was making from all the murder. Murphy's Law!
Meanwhile the strong man was feeling very threatened by the concept of his wife having a clitoris-reduction surgery, so he paid the doctor a visit.
Not a very nice thing to do to a doctor. He needed those fingers for something, whatever, I'm not sure what. But in general he needed those fingers!
Meanwhile Elsa had HAD IT with the twins bogarting all her opportunities, so it was time for them to take a drive and get a new hat. Except then they drove past the mall and the twins grew nervous.
And to be honest they had good reason to be nervous. Because the next thing they knew they'd been carted off to Mott Manor for a bucketful of shenanigans!
YUP. Elsa straight up peddled the twins to Mrs. Mott. I don't care if you are German or American but that is RUDE. We don't do those kinds of things here. Somewhere David Bowie is frowning.
"Pink Cupcakes" definitely cheated with its use of hypothetical dream sequences, but overall it was a scary and disturbing hour of TV. Am I biased because there was a truly impressive amount of gratuitous beefcakery? MAYBE. But this was also a grisly and upsetting episode full of pathos and terrific performances. I truly don't know what else anybody could want from a TV show. APPROVED.
GUBYE
QUESTIONS
... Is Dandy a bad person, why or why not?
... Bigger thrill: Seeing Matt Bomer or seeing Gabourey Sidibe?
... Is Elsa a hero or a villain?
... Would you like to father Desiree's child, why or why not?
