AHS: Freak Show "Bullseye" Review: Spinning the Wheels (PHOTO RECAP)

American Horror Story S04E06: "Bullseye"

It's hard enough being a tiny lady. Nevermind the near-constant coyote attacks, think of how annoying it would be to do ordinary everyday things like shopping or riding roller-coasters. And then you have to deal with jerks trying to dunk you in formaldehyde so they can sell your tiny body to brokedown museums? No thanks. Count me out of being a tiny lady. It just doesn't seem worth it. Poor Ma Petite! But also thank goodness for dream sequence fakeouts. That's probably the only time I'll ever say that.

I wasn't wild about "Bullseye." It was not my favorite. I wasn't 100 percent jazzed about it. When it comes to this episode I wasn't hella stoked. It was fine. Just okay. Not great. I am not going to write home about this episode and certainly not on the good stationery. This episode did not blow me away, which ordinarily would seem like a good thing because how horrible would it be to get blown away in any circumstance? But in this case I am using the phrase as a negative thing. I was underwhelmed. "Bullseye" did not hit the bullseye for me, which is a play on the title. If this episode threw a dagger at us we would not come away unharmed. I would kick this episode out of bed for eating crackers. Don't quit your day job, episode. This episode was medium-alright. That being said, the final line was so funny that I did a cartoon spit-take and then somersaulted off my couch and directly into a ravine.

Let's talk about it!


It all started with a menagerie of blue-collar carnies rummaging through the storage tent for a bullseye-lookin' POS. Apparently Elsa wanted to resurrect her old knife-throwing routine for the upcoming TV show that she would not be starring in because it was not actually a real thing. But it was still kinda cute when they wheeled it into the devil's mouth because it looked like the devil was eating an after-dinner mint. I don't know.

And then in the first of many instances where the most interesting stuff was imaginary, Elsa started throwing knives at everybody!

But no, she was just throwing knives at a dummy. Still, the bearded lady was nervous about this idea.

Meanwhile at Mott Manor, Mrs. Mott presented her son with prophylactics on a literal silver platter. Because if he was going to be having a pair of conjoined twins around the house, he'd better not knock one or more of them up.

But Dandy protested that he loved the twins with all of his heart because they were his soulmates or whatever. Either way, this was one hot menage, am I right? (Seriously, am I right? Let me know.)

Meanwhile guess whose birthday it was!

All the citizens of the freak show brought Elsa gifts. For example Paul brought her lingerie and Salty brought her a pot of dead flowers. Normal gifts. But the most normal gift of all was Amazon Eve's, who bestowed upon Elsa the gift that keeps on giving.

That's right, it was something of a joint gift. Eve gave Elsa a human being, and Ma Petite put on a crocheted body sack and became a living hand-warmer like something out of a Stefon monologue. The perfect gift!

Anyway, it was hard for the rest of the crowd to feel too stoked about it, seeing as the twins were missing.

Elsa was SOOO mad that people were questioning her about the "ungrateful hydra" but come on, Elsa. Everyone knows you're shady.

I did not expect this:

Yep, that's just Elsa and Paul smoking opium and making sex. Except then Elsa was like "don't fall in love with me, ho" and he got sad and left. But not before grabbing Ma Petite out of a nearby box and placing her in the bed. That's right, a grown woman was just sitting quietly nearby while they'd done sex to each other, why do you ask?

But don't worry about Paul, he had his side piece... Meryl Streep's daughter!

I guess they'd really hit it off during that freak-orgy a few weeks earlier. That's a story they should definitely tell at their wedding.

However, Paul was a bit nervous that Meryl Streep's daughter was only using him for his body and not his mind. Also, if we're being honest, Meryl Streep's daughter did not have the full blessing of her father in this situation.

Meanwhile Bette and Dot were experiencing a very mixed-emotions kind of situation in their new life with Dandy.

Obviously Bette was ALL ABOUT it. Obviously Dot was not.

But then she realized that dating Dandy comes with certain perks, like when he shared a news article about conjoined twins that were separated and one died. Because hey, maybe now she could afford a murder-surgery as well!

She even fantasized about getting rid of that pesky second head and being able to hug Jimmy Darling in a normal way. Fair enough! Dot is very horny for Jimmy Darling in my opinion.

Speaking of Jimmy, he did NOT appreciate Paul's accusations that Elsa had been responsible for selling the twins.

I guess some people are just not ready to listen to truth. And sometimes those people have lobster hands.

Next: Page 2

(Continued from Page 1)

Then Dandy tried to take credit for having saved the local townsfolk from Twisty, but guess which one of the twins was skeptical about this claim?

Dandy did not take this guff sitting down, so he stood up. Also I think he dumped them or something. Either way he was DONE with the twins and it was all Dot's fault for not wanting to share secrets.

Speaking of secrets, the con artists were out in the swamp talking about their next move.

Maggie was reluctant to capture Jimmy mostly because she wanted to bone him a ton, but she did suggest a slightly smaller prey. And then we saw her plan unfold and it was very upsetting!

NOOOOOOOOOOO.

But also, no, because it was just a fantasy sequence.

But Maggie at least seemed pretty serious about killing Ma Petite. [frowny emoticon]

Then Elsa sang another song, but it was just some random song. I don't know what it was, and I am NOT Googling it. Maybe it was off of #1989, I wouldn't know. And Frozen is not great, I'll explain later.

Paul was NOT impressed by Elsa's heavenly singing and immediately came at her with a face-full of hot TRUTH. She sold off the twins and everyone knows it.

So she responded the only way she could: by throwing all her birthday presents around and yelling at everybody.

Note: We have ALL done this.

And then after she accused everyone of not trusting her she demanded that somebody climb up on the dagger wheel so she could throw knives at them. I am honestly not sure what anybody thought this would prove, but next thing we knew Paul was climbing on and I think we all knew where this was headed.

PRETTY MUCH. Guys, this was just a big series of mistakes on everybody's part. Now Paul was nearly bleeding to death and Elsa was refusing to call an ambulance. Cool trust-building exercise!

Meanwhile, like a sort of sexy Praying Mantis, Maggie was about to swipe her prey!

Next thing we knew Maggie was carrying Ma Petite into a barn and Ma Petite (who might be mentally disabled?) pretended to be a butterfly while Maggie uncorked a jug of formaldehyde!

Again, this was VERY upsetting! I know AHS loves to traffic in upsetting concepts and imagery, but this was the kind of upsetting that was also just too sad and unfun to watch. I truly don't want to see an infantilized primordial dwarf get murdered on camera. Call me crazy.

Next: Page 3

(Continued from Page 2)

Anyway, it was another false alarm, because later we saw that Maggie'd had a change of heart apparently:

But she knew this meant the heat was on to come up with a different prize, so she decided the best thing to do was to run away with Jimmy. Which meant she was finally ready to kiss him!

But it was a good news, bad news situation.

The good news was obviously that she'll probably be on the receiving end of the Shocker pretty soon. The bad news was that Stanley now insisted that she lure Jimmy into the barn so he could lop off Jimmy's lobster claws. Just going by what we've seen from Maggie so far, I have a feeling she won't do that? We'll see.

So then Mrs. Mott discovered Dandy sobbing up a storm on his stage bed and he made her read aloud from Dot's diary. Dot had not written very nice things about him!

And that's when Dandy unleashed a truly scary and sad monologue about how he's an empty wasteland inside and his true purpose now was to bring death and destruction to others. It was what Oprah might call an A-HA! moment.

Then Jimmy showed up looking for the twins.

Uh-oh, watch out Jimmy! You in danger boy.

Finally, Elsa decided to just get a case of the f*ckits and enjoy some damn cake. It also allowed her to experience some quality time with Ethel and her accent.

At this point Ethel had stood up for Elsa so much (including agreeing to let someone get stabbed on a wheel for her) that she suddenly wanted to make sure Elsa wasn't treating her like a chump. So I loved this moment where Ethel suddenly threatened to murder Elsa. Stakes: raised!

But I REAAALLY loved this final moment, when Elsa blew out her birthday candle and in voiceover said, "I just want to be loved."

HAHAHAH. I can't explain why that made me laugh so hard. I think it was the voiceover aspect? Or how hilariously sincere it was? Or how she'd just spent several weeks trying to murder her friends in order to get more famous? So clearly Elsa's delusional, but what else is new? Surely something else is new besides this idea, right? Anyway, what a sad old lady.

Guys, this episode was not my favorite. It just felt very wheel-spinny (sometimes literally) and full of scenes that were not very important-seeming. And come on, are we really at the point where an episode's scariest scares are IMAGINARY? Not even dream sequences, but just hypothetical scenarios that aren't actually happening? Considering American Horror Story is already a work of fiction, that's a double fiction. Ugh, dream sequences. Because there's no stakes like no-stakes. But anyway, last week's episode was really fantastic and this one felt like a time-waster. Sorry to sound harsh but sometimes the truth is harsh. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go swan-dive into the open mouth of a whale shark.

TALK SOON!


QUESTIONS:

... Should Ma Petite be a little more careful?

... Why didn't Angela Bassett attend Elsa's birthday party?

... Would Meryl Streep approve of her daughter's taste in men?

... Would you date Dandy, why or why not?