AHS: Freak Show "Edward Mordrake Pt. 1" Review: Ghosts of Mars (PHOTO RECAP)

American Horror Story S04E03: "Edward Mordrake Pt. 1"

Probably the best part about arriving at various places on a carpet of green fog is the wow factor. It doesn't matter if it's at a masquerade or the governor's summer cottage or the Long John Silver's—the moment that glowing green fog precedes you into a room, people will pay attention. We're talking double, even triple takes as everyone's like, "Did that person just arrive on a carpet of green fog?" It is the ideal first impression to make. But on the flip side, the worst part of arriving at various places on a carpet of green fog is probably the smell. It's hard to tell this from simply watching it happen on TV, but glowing green fog smells like a combination of sewer baloney and wet dog. It does not smell great, and this fact definitely reduces the wow factor of arriving on a carpet of green fog. Not all the way, but just enough to maybe make it not all that worth it. So keep this in mind whenever you see Edward Mordrake enter a room dramatically on American Horror Story: Freak Show. Everyone's fighting a reflex gag.

Truth time: Every new minute of American Horror Story is a good time for me and you and America and horror. That being said, I wasn't 100 percent wild about "Edward Mordrake Pt. 1." As the first half of a two-parter it was anticlimactic by design, but if we're being real, every season of AHS has a two-part Halloween episode, and this one just did not stack up to the first installments we've seen in the past. The bearded lady is a mega bummer in general and the overly chill Edward Mordrake character just does not compare to zombies or Anne Frank or school-shooting victims getting their comeuppance. Add to that a terrible Lana Del Rey song and a story that didn't seem very propulsive and I was feeling a little blue about it all. HOWEVER, there were two huge homages to John Carpenter's Halloween (my all-time favorite horror film), plus Patti LaBelle and her eyebrows' Woody Woodpecker impression, plus #butts. NOT ALL BAD in other words.

Let's talk about it!

We started off in the Smithsonian just kidding, it was some freak museum. After the docent lady showed everybody a bunch of bones, she gave them Halloween candy and they left. But that's when Denis O'Hare and Emma Roberts showed up dressed like scientists and tried to sell the museum a jar of sumpthin'. But the curator didn't want it!

They claimed it was supposed to be a baby sasquatch but it was actually a baby goat with a cat jaw sewn on, and in my opinion that is not the same thing. Anyway: denied! But on their way out the con artists were taken aside by the docent lady and she made them a deal.

That's right, this museum has a no-questions-asked policy when it comes to dead freaks, but the dead feaks have to be real. So you better believe Denis O'Hare and Emma Roberts are going freak hunting!

Meanwhile it was Halloween in West Palm Beach and everyone was doing some daytime trick-or-treating due to the curfew. But this little girl was not having the best time:

HALLOWEEN HOMAGE #1. And just like in John Carpenter's masterpiece, the shape kept shifting around the neighborhood and nobody else saw it.

But there he was, lurking in the background!

Ugh, so good. If you're going to steal, steal from the best. Daytime suburban boogeyman horror is my favorite. Just monsters loitering in the background with nobody noticing. Yes, this is horror to me.

Meanwhile the bearded lady was not in great health.

This was a touching scene mostly because Kathy Bates is a national treasure and made it so sad (especially when she told the doctor he'd been the first person to ever treat her with respect), but I'm not wild about this "I'm dying soon"-type plotline. That's so Coven.

Meanwhile back at tent city, all the performers were having a blast and partying it up.

But a certain pair of conjoined ladies did NOT approve of all the merriment considering one of their own had been beaten to death in jail a few hours earlier.

Everybody got straight-up SHAMED!

But it was just as well, because then the bearded lady came in and wanted everybody's undivided attention.

It was all about WHY they would not be performing on Halloween. It turns out freaks are not allowed to perform in any way on Halloween because of a ghost with an unusual head.

Meet Edward Mordrake, just a regular guy except for the psychic face that won't die that lives on the back of his head!

But forget about him, he's mostly boring. I mean, yeah, he murdered a bunch of circus freaks and then himself and now he haunts freak shows that perform on Halloween and takes one soul with him every time, but I am telling you, he's mostly boring.

What is NOT boring is Patti LaBelle's Woody Woodpecker impression.

When I first learned that Patti LaBelle was going to appear on this season, I'm not sure I was prepared for the fact that she would be the BEST PART by far. My theory is that last season she saw Patti LuPone's name in the credits and for a split second thought it was her own name and wondered whether she'd filmed a role on American Horror Story and had forgotten about it, but upon watching the episode realized it was her old arch-enemy (in my mind) Patti LuPone instead, so she angrily called up Ryan Murphy demanding to know why SHE hadn't been on AHS yet. Next thing you know Patti LaBelle was wearing a Woody Woodpecker costume. Be careful what you wish for, Patti LaBelle! Anyway, she is the best, and have you watched her cooking videos on YouTube lately? Her brisket ended "that heifer" Diane Warren's vegetarianism.

ANYWAY, it was Halloween in the Mott household, which meant that Dandy's mom presented him with his new, handmade Halloween costume: Howdy Doody!

Needless to say, Dandy did not want to be Howdy Doody for Halloween. So he threw all the plates and glasses on the floor and ran out of the room, but not before demanding that Patti LaBelle sweep it all up. But Patti LaBelle was NOT having it.

I have to agree with Patti LaBelle here and in every instance always from now on.

Meanwhile it was time for Meep's funeral and it was sad!

I expecially liked the part where everyone threw chicken heads on his casket.

They also poured booze on his grave. That is pretty much how I want my funeral to go also.

Then a taxicab pulled up and a VERY familiar looking lady got out looking to join the Freak Show. Meet "Esmerelda" the fortune teller.

Didn't have to ask Jimmy twice! The lady con artist was IN.

Meanwhile check out this weird fantasy nightmare that Dot and Bette were having:

They were being surgically separated, which meant Bette was gonna die! But yeah, just a dream:

I mean, we knew that Dot had tried to murder Bette earlier, but in my mind that was just payback for killing their mom. But now Dot is just straight-up insisting that they're going to get separated and one of them will die and Bette just has to deal with it. So basically Dot is a maniac all of a sudden. Keep an eye on these ladies.

Meanwhile the con artist girl looked around Elsa's tent and immediately knew what to say in order to get the fortune teller gig.

And to top off it off she fell on the floor, which is always the master stroke of any con artist worth a dang.

In short, she looked into the crystal ball and reported that Marlene Dietrich had stolen Elsa's career, but Elsa would be famous soon thanks to a mysterious man. Elsa nearly dropped her opium pipe she was so happy. Nailed it!

Next: Page 2, featuring Lana Del Rey, #butts, and more

(Continued from Page 1)

Then Angela Bassett tried to seduce Michael Chiklis but it didn't work.

But Angela Bassett had HAD IT with his sober whiskey-dick and then he got mad at her for being mad, but then she got mad at him for being mad at her for being mad.

Things were not going great for the strong man. There was another scene after this that mostly had to do with the bearded lady telling him that she was dying and would he please look after Jimmy and he sort of agreed to do so. A sad scene, but come on, American Horror Story, what's with all the domestic drama? I want to see minotaurs and junk. Just kidding, I love Kathy Bates, and I do care about the bearded lady's well-being, but it's not that fun to photo-recap, sorry.

HALLOWEEN HOMAGE #2. Then we got this recreation of the opening scene of Halloween, but in this case the first-person killer did not murder a nude family member, which must have been disappointing for Frances Conroy fans.

But then things got scary when it seemed like Dandy was about to murder Patti LaBelle!

But she fought him off with the ultimate weapon: Her eyebrows. Victory: Patti LaBelle.

Meanwhile the con artist lady was having second thoughts about possibly murdering an abnormal human.

But it was fine because Denis O'Hare had other priorities!

The nude viking hustler looked at Denis O'Hare's junk and was astonished. So what do you think is so special about it? Is it big or does he have two dicks? Be honest. Show your work.

LOVED this part: That little girl trick-or-treater was being teased by her brother when they were interrupted.

Then Twisty abducted the brother instead of the girl! That was a real good switcheroo, I didn't see that coming.

Speaking of which...

AAHHHHHH!!! HOW RUDE!!

Speaking of rude, I do not care for Lana Del Rey (am I still gay?) mostly because the songs are bad. That includes whatever this was:

Lana Del Rey is the Frozen of singers. I don't get it. HOWEVER the whole point of this scene was, even though this was just a rehearsal, Elsa went and conjured Edward Mordrake! Cue green fog:

If we're being real, I don't think it was the German-accented Lana Del Rey impression that brought Edward Mordrake to the tent, but I have a theory about what did:

Meanwhile in the bearded lady's trailer, some ghosts showed up.

Then Edward Mordrake arrived!

But again, he wasn't anything to be afraid of, really. In fact he was more just like a male, old-timey ghost Oprah, just wanting to get real about life's problems.

This led to the bearded lady talking about her sad life, which at the height of her fame involved doing showgirls-type routines:

But then the strong man (who fathered Jimmy, did I mention that yet?) made her give birth against a tree in front of a bunch of yokels for a couple of nickels.

At this point the bearded lady assumed that Edward Mordrake had come to claim her soul for his traveling parade of carny ghosts, but I guess he took pity on her and deemed her not a "true freak" and then took off!

Elsewhere, Dandy showed up at the clown's trailer and offered candy to the captives and then tried to stab them!

And that's when Twisty arrived home with the teen he'd just stolen.

And then this happened:

How very dare you, American Horror Story. Just kidding, this happens every year. The problem is, usually the first part is so good that you're upset when it ends, but this episode was both super long and seemingly uneventful. At this point only the Twisty plotline qualifies as "horror" and the rest is just a slightly creepy domestic drama. I don't know. I just wasn't super-feeling this episode. But I'll take an off-episode of AHS over nearly anything else, so believe me I AM FINE. And maybe next week's episode will be so amazing that I'll be straight-up embarrassed for having doubted this week's. You never know!

*green fog pours in*

WHOOPS GOTTA GO

QUESTIONS:

... Which freak will Edward Mordrake steal?

... Does it annoy you whenever primordial dwarves jump out of pumpkins to scare you?

... What did the viking hustler see?

... Are you mad that I don't like Lana Del Rey or Frozen?