American Horror Story: Freak Show Season Premiere Review: Sideshow Mob (PHOTO RECAP)

American Horror Story S04E01: "Monsters Among Us"

When the interdimensional future-aliens arrive on Earth and dig through all the petrified Wendy's wrappers for artifacts—any artifacts—that might reveal what humans were all about, I truly hope they find a complete-series DVD set of American Horror Story. Not because American Horror Story is the most accurate representation of life on Earth, but because it is the greatest achievement in human history. You know, in his day, Michelangelo probably dealt with backlash from haters also. "What's with babydick on David?" So it goes with this masterpiece, but with dickfingers.

Freak Show is the fourth season of this thing, and in keeping with the show's tradition, the opening episode was essentially a mixtape of horror references. This year it was Zodiac, Freaks, Moulin Rouge, DePalma, Fellini, Geek Love, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and Big Top Pee-wee. EXCELLENT REFERENCES. But unlike the first season's incoherent opener, Freak Show's was elegant, beautifully structured, and frequently astonishing. Also it was insane, obviously. And brilliant. And sad. But mostly insane.

With each new project Ryan Murphy unveils, there's been a constant back-and-forth, from both critics and fans, about his talents. But what will it take for people to just accept that he's one of the most important and skilled writer/directors alive? He's easily as talented at distilling homage into original entertainment as Quentin Tarantino, but Murphy's is a language of unapologetically gay sensibility which I'm sure has NOTHING to do with the backlash he seems to provoke. WHOOPS, did I just stumble into a think piece? Because think pieces are boring, and I want to talk about American Horror Story: Freak Show, which is NOT boring and is now basically my favorite thing. I mean, the "Life on Mars" part alone. This show is truly a gift. I'm sure the aliens will enjoy it, but I'm just glad I got to be alive when it was actually on the air and reinventing television every week. This feels like history.

Now let's talk about "Monsters Among Us"!

We started with a voiceover from a woman who looks like Sarah Paulson walking glumly into some unknown place while being framed by the camera very unusually. WHY the unusual framing, though? Because this episode assumed we didn't see any of American Horror Story's Season 4 promos, I guess.

But psych, that was just a flash-forward. Here's the real scoop: A 1950s milk man was entering a house against his better judgment!

Then the first laugh of the episode came when, upon finding a mutilated body, the milk man decided to investigate a strange noise upstairs. That's what makes this show so special. Where you or I would be like, "NOPE," this show is like, "OH YEAH."

Needless to say, the milk man did not enjoy what he found in a closet. But again the episode pretended like we didn't see the promos, so there was quite a bit more buildup about what was going on:

Could it be a TWO-HEADED SARAH PAULSON? I can't spoil that for you just yet, sorry.

Meanwhile, guess who?

It was Jessica Lange! She's playing a character named Elsa Mars, a German national who came to America to seek fame in Hollywood but who now walks around hospitals and prisons in the finest of furs, bribing candy stripers into letting her meet with freaks.

And it didn't take long for her to work her magic on Meryl Streep's daughter! Next thing we knew Elsa was in disguise and on a mission:

OMG A TWO-HEADED SARAH PAULSON. I had no idea! Okay fine I won't be a jerk about it, this was actually a very good reveal if only for the amazing the special effects. They look seamless and expensive to me. Good one, American Horror Story.

Speaking of good ones, THOSE OPENING TITLES. All sinister stop-motion like a mid-90s Tool video. And what ON EARTH was THIS about:

That naked clown ghoul lady has a Doc Marten boot for a penis!

Anyway, back to the Siamese twins (question: this is a racist term right? I feel like we should probably sort it out before I use it in every photo recap for the rest of the season): This whole element is next-level. For one thing, Bette and Dot each had very distinctive personalities right away—Bette is nice but a bit of a mouth-breather, and Dot is a straight-up B. Also, the way they're filmed is truly genius. Their dialogue is both spoken out loud and also telepathically to one another. Plus occasionally we saw their P.O.V. in split-screen to indicate where each one was looking. And Sarah Paulson should win two Emmys for these performance, since they were immediately masterful and compelling. I'm definitely all-in with these two.

Elsa didn't waste time asking the important questions.

Oh, American Horror Story. Doesn't matter the era or circumstances, we will always, always learn about the characters' genitals immediately upon meeting them. Which I treasure.

Next: Page 2, featuring a murder clown and Jimmy Darling's dickfingers

(Continued from Page 1)

We cut from the hospital to this scene:

Just two teens making out on a blanket in broad daylight, then the one named Troy got up to go back to the car and then this guy arrived:

Just a regular clown, what of it? Maybe ALL clowns in the 1950s were nightmare creatures, because this girl acted as though his appearance was normal and even assumed her boyfriend had perhaps hired him to perform for her as a romantic gesture.

But obviously things did not go well. Like, especially the part where the clown beat the two of them unconscious with juggling pins and the girl woke up to THIS sight:

To her credit, she tried to run away, but she forgot one important thing:

Ladies, let this be a lesson to you: If your legs and feet are functional, consider practicing how to run on grass or else you might be chased down by a clown. That is something my parents taught me from a young age and to this day a clown has never been able to catch me in an open field. Anyway, this whole scene was an "homage" to the scariest scene in Zodiac, and as a horror fan I can tell you that broad-daylight horror is the hardest to pull off, yet can be the scariest thing possible. Slasher attacks at night are so basic. Daytime attacks are where it's at.

So then we got this brief moment where we learned how Elsa keeps her business running. First, she carries around a fully grown woman and treats her like a newborn toddler, then she seduces her landlord by offering him Schnapps and sex in exchange for letting her keep her traveling cavalcade of human aberrations on his property.

Elsa just does what it takes, guys. Don't judge.

Meet Jimmy Darling, our collective new boyfriend. Yes, that's him sitting in a diner dressed as a young Marlon Brando. And yes, Evan Peters is back in period costume which somehow makes him 4,000-percent cuter. But let's not bury the lede here: He has dickfingers.

Who knew there was such a hotbed of prostitution among sideshow performers? Ryan Murphy knew, that's who.

Meanwhile that clown just would not stop murdering folks!

Here he murdered a lady and her husband in their home in the middle of the night! But he also captured their little boy and took him back to a frightening mobile home in the middle of the woods and then this scene happened:

This clown just started throwing things at their cage and breaking bottles and acting like a crazy person. I'm sorry if "crazy" is an insensitive, ableist pejorative, but this clown acted so crazy? Aside from being a murderer in a torn mask, probably his scariest aspect is the fact that he does not make any sense. WHAT is he up to and WHY? Is he even rational? I really hope we don't get too much explanation. A lack of reason or rationale is always scarier. Anyway, that girl with the dumb legs and the little boy were not having a good time.

Uh, then Elsa wore this:

Right? Every other TV show should self-cancel because it doesn't get better than this.

So this scene was about how Elsa figured out just how Bette and Dot had murdered their mother. Like most matricides, it began as an innocent argument at the dinner table.

So now that Elsa had the upper hand (and also because the twins were still on the run from the law), she blackmailed/sweet-talked them into joining her "Cabinet of Curiosities." Except Bette and Dot did not feel the same way about this turn of events.

Next: Page 3, where we meet the freaks and Jessica Lange is the best

(Continued from Page 2)

The entrance to the main tent looked A LOT like the entrance to my apartment building, how about you?

From there we got to meet some of the sweet oldballs who also populate Elsa's troupe. Like the Geek, who bites heads off chickens:

And you already knew this guy:

I loved that the stuffy Dot immediately got horny for Jimmy Darling, like the very second he winked at her. That's how universal his appeals are, stop calling me a creep, jeez.

Also, here is Jimmy's mother:

Kathy Bates in a beard and speaking in an accent that's like if Romy was in a John Waters movie. Anyway, she'd been a hard-boozin' woman who was bailed out of jail by Elsa, back when Elsa literally glowed:

AND GUESS WHO ELSE WAS THERE?

PEPPER! Nobody called her by name, but that's definitely our girl. This season takes place at least 10 years prior to Asylum, so it's clear that Pepper's probably going to be experiencing a number of bad times before experiencing even worse bad times later. Like, so bad that she'll eventually have to be committed because everybody's faces look similar to people she used to know. But don't feel bad for Pepper, unlike you or me she gets invited to orgies with Evan Peters, as we were about to learn in this wonderful scene:

Meryl Streep's daughter had been hanging out with the troupe, but she smoked too much opium and decided that she was a prisoner there. But Elsa had footage proving that she was totally there on purpose to get her freak on. (And in.)

OMG PEPPER!!!

Guys, I've done my research and I have concluded that this is definitely Evan Peters' #butt. Just FYI.

I also liked this scene because Elsa gave a very impassioned speech about how these orgy-loving circus freaks were actually much more honest and joyful and real than the 1950s suburban zombies outside the tent. TOLD.

Meanwhile a detective showed up and put handcuffs on Bette and Dot. Which enraged the rest of their friends.

After the detective kept calling them all freaks and monsters Jimmy had no choice but to SLASH HIS THROAT!

A rash decision, sure, but what happened happened, leave Jimmy Darling alone.

So then word spread that that night's performance had been completely sold out! At first people assumed it was because the addition of the conjoined twins had indeed piqued the town's interest, but in actuality it was simply a spoiled guy named Dandy who had bought all of the tickets so that he could have the entire performance to himself:

And at this point we got to witness just how special this titular Freak Show really was. First the various performers were introduced in their best costumes and makeup:

But then the true star came out. Ladies and gentlemen, I barely even need to tell you why this next part was an instant classic:

Cue David Bowie's "Life on Mars," as performed by Jessica Lange in a German accent. (There is nothing about that statement that is not amazing.)

And it was also intercut with moving images of characters in crisis, including, for some reason, Jessica Lange dressed as a sad Italian clown.

The entire thing was so good I've now watched it about 40 times. Surprising and perfect and yes, anachronistic, but also emotionally pure. I was already rooting for this freak show to be financially successful, but now I'm rooting for Elsa to actually become the star she's always wanted to be.

Unfortunately, when she realized the supposed packed house was just two rich jerks, she didn't take it well. (Though Frances Conroy was, as ever, hilarious when she described Elsa's singing as horrible "caterwauling.")

Apparently Dandy and his mother were so smitten with the twins that they offered to BUY them. As in OWN them. Normal thing to want, sure. Fortunately Bette and Dot both decided to stay, Bette because the spotlight appealed to her and Dot because Jimmy Darling kept winking at her. Both fair motivations.

But to add insult to injury, look who was prowling around the premises:

DID HE PAY? No, I bet he did not pay. Rides aren't free, clown. Beat it.

I loved this part: The denizens of the freak show then carried the dead detective's body out into a field where Jimmy Darling rose up as the angry leader to their newfound militant pro-freak agenda.

Even Bette and Dot seemed gung-ho about unionizing or whatever. Freak Pride was something they could both definitely agree on. And to seal the deal, the entire gang joined together to chop apart a corpse!

Aw, poor clown wasn't invited to help do the very thing he was an expert at! I could relate, though. It would be like if my friends had a Starburst party without me. (What are friends?)

This was a sweet moment: Elsa admitting that she'd been recruiting these oddities of nature not so much because she was a social worker, but because she wanted to use them to hasten her rise to the top.

But how chilling was it when Bearded Kathy Bates hugged her and then went immediately glassy-eyed? WHAT is going on there? Were they lovers? Does Bearded Kathy Bates secretly hate Elsa? I don't know. But it was a good scene.

And that's when Elsa put on a catchy record and removed her prosthetic legs.

WHAT A FREAK! Just kidding, she's simply legless, no big deal. But Jessica Lange's face in that scene alone should earn her another Emmy nomination. Tears and pathos infused with an edge of insanity. Elsa is not well, but she's certainly complex, and how many non-Ryan Murphy TV shows can claim characters like that?

I really and truly loved this opening salvo for American Horror Story's Freak Show season. A lot of it had to do with seeing familiar faces in new roles, sure, but I really think the dialogue and directing were noticeably sharper and more inspired than I've come to expect of this show. And it looks more expensive in general? I feel really confident in getting my hopes up about this season, guys. I was basically watching this episode with heart-eyes the whole time. So good.

OK BYE

QUESTIONS

... Who is your favorite new character?

... Would you rather have a conjoined twin or dickfingers?

... How do you think Elsa lost her legs? (Do not say orca.)

... Do you like clowns better or worse after having seen this episode?