'American Idol': Judging the Judges, Week 2

“Attempting to steer American Idol’s farewell season in a bold new direction is a brutal mission, but someone’s gotta attempt the impossible before the mothership goes down in in a blaze of former glory come early April. Welcome back to Judging the Judges, our weekly power ranking* of Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick Jr. during the final Idol-sponsored round of their ongoing quest to become the greatest not-so-obvious self-promoter America has ever seen.

*Unlike the undeniable power of an early J.Lo hit booming from an untalented contestant’s beat box, the Judging the Judges points system is 100 percent arbitrary and subject to change.

KEITH URBAN

+200 points go to Keith for signing young Isaac Cole’s guitar case, offering to carry it out like a reverent roadie, and sending him on his way with a hearty back slap and a “See you in Hollywood, man.” Isaac’s memory of his hero declaring him “not ready” for primetime may fade, but this televised slow-motion feel-fest should last a lifetime.

-50 for attempting to drink coffee through his sparkly Jesus wig (clearly faking it).

+4.20 for figuring out the best euphemism for “Dude, are you stoned?” in the face of permanently glazed-over contestant Jenn Blosil: “You’re very present.”

+100 for temporarily slumming it like the rest of us and soliciting attention the old-fashioned way: out on the street at the Denver auditions.

+20 for supplying 22-year-old plumber’s apprentice Jake Dillon with the missing chord in his Kenny Loggins cover.

-10 for overreaching with his down-on-the-farm humor for country girl Sarah in Philadelphia: “Just to be clear, you did meet our eggspectations.”

+10 for delighting in his own Evil Hands to pass the time.

+300 for generally being the only one awake at this point. Season 15, y’all.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

-2 points for making a basket, then immediately demanding it be shown in slow motion. Sure that was wise?

-300 for creepily demanding that contestant Jordan Simone approach the bench so she can inspect her youth up close: “I wanna feel your fifteen-ness!”

+40 for expertly dabbing away “tears” or some similar substance while reuniting with ‘80s pop singer Brenda K. Starr, whose daughter Gianna is headed to Hollywood.

+50 for claiming to only use free weights when they coordinate with her outfit. Very smart. If only the judges were this picky with the contestants!

+10 for wearing earrings bigger than her sunglasses while off the clock/on the block. “I liked the 15-year-old with the Bieber haircut!” she raved at the end of last Wednesday’s episode. Safe answer, good call. That could be anyone.

+100 for besting Keith Urban in the hairstyle they were clearly both going for. And what the hell: Keith gets an extra 20 points for his solid effort.

Automatic 50-point deduction for “goosies” mention (little ones on her leg).

HARRY CONNICK JR.

-500 points for telling impressionable 15-year-old Ethan Kurtz, “No doubt in my mind that you’re supposed to do this. Don’t do anything else with your life. That said… I just don’t think you’re ready.” WTF?!

-50 for chanting “Take it off! Take it all off!” to a janitor in a sparkly Jesus wig

+60 for somehow — heroically — following through on the “Harry stole Keith’s tips” fake plot without losing his will to live, because it was seriously that stupid.

+300 for actually saying no to less-than-inspiring contestants like John Arthur Greene, who accidentally shot and killed his brother while playing Cops and Robbers as kids. “Strong voice, but what else is there?” wondered Harry. Later, he told Jake Dillon, “Good isn’t going to cut it… we’re looking for spectacular, and I didn’t see it there.”

+50 for advising 15-year-old Issac Cole to stop singing with a twang because he doesn’t talk with a twang. “You can be a country singer without putting a fake identity on it.” Was this some unintentional shade on poor Keith Urban? Whoops.

And this week’s Contributing Players…

RYAN SEACREST

+50 points for supplying fresh oxygen to the poor, well-paid martyrs stuck in their chairs.

+100 for committing way harder to the Grapevine than contestant Tank, who was supposed to be leading the workout.

CLAY AIKEN

+100 for taking it in stride that a teenager has no idea what he’s been up to since not winning American Idol.

-1000 for deciding nope, he’s totally not cool with this sh*tshow after all on Twitter, months after filming.

KRIS ALLEN

+300 for knowing where Nashville, Arkansas is (“somewhere…in the country”).

FINAL TALLY:

Keith Urban takes the lead again, winning Week 2 with a seemingly impossible 594.2 points!!!
Kris Allen: 300
Ryan Seacrest: 150
Jennifer Lopez: -152. Zero goosies.
Harry Connick Jr.: -160. Terrible.
Clay Aiken: -900

Let’s hope the judges up their games for the final American Idol audition episodes EVER, airing Wednesday and Thursday at 8 p.m. on Fox.