Boomerang kids won’t fly the coop? How to get your adult children to move out

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As if saving for retirement isn’t challenging enough, a lot of Canadian parents have to hold off on saying goodbye to their work life because their adult kids are still living at home or have boomeranged back.

More than 42 per cent of young adults aged 20-29 are living with their parents, according to the most recent Canadian census from 2011. That’s well above the level of 26.9 per cent in 1981.

So how do parents know when it’s time to tell their offspring that it’s time to pack up and get out—and what’s the right way to do it when the time comes?

Parenting expert Ann Douglas says that before giving kids the boot, it’s important to consider the reasons behind them being at home in the first place.

ALSO SEE: Parents struggle to keep retirement savings as adult children stay home longer

“I tend to err on the side of kindness and support when it comes to allowing 20-somethings to boomerang back home for a while,” says Douglas, author of Parenting Through the Storm: How to Handle the Highs, the Lows, and Everything in Between. “I wouldn’t ever feel comfortable kicking my kid out. If my child has returned home, odds are there’s a good reason. It could be that they’re having a hard time finding full-time work–a common scenario these days. It could be that they’re grappling with some physical or mental health challenges. It could be any number of reasons. And if a young person is going through a tough time—perhaps grappling with depression, anxiety, or another mental health challenge—they might also benefit from being back home for a while. You don’t want your child to feel guilty, like they have failed or let you down, by having to return home. And you always want them to know that they have a safe place to turn, if they’re going through a tough time.

“Most young people crave independence,” she adds. “They want to get out on their own and begin to establish their own lives. And in most cases they will as soon as they can. In the meantime, parents can spell out expectations and help the child to come up with a game plan for working toward greater independence.”

Social psychologist Susan Newman, author of Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily, notes that attitudes toward adult children living home have changed dramatically in the last 20 years, with many parents enjoying having their adult child at home—that is, once they have ironed out the kinks in responsibilities, contributions, and expected behaviour. Many are sad when their kids leave.

That said, asking grown kids to leave is much simpler if there is a mutually agreed on “exit plan” in place from the outset.

ALSO SEE: How to get your financial act together by the time you’re 30

“A parent might say, ‘You’re saving for your own place. How much time do you think that will take?’ Or ‘The job market is difficult now; we understand that. Do you think you can find a job in six months?’ Or ‘How long do you think it will take to finish your degree?’” she says, explaining that these plans generally last six months to a year but can be revisited and revised along the way.

“But when the arrangement turns unhealthy or not mutually beneficial, it may be time for parents to put their adult child ‘on notice,’” Newman says.

“For example, ‘In three months, I expect you will have made other living arrangements,’” she suggests. “A parent might say, ‘I know this sounds harsh, but I feel being on your own is best for all of us.’ That could be because tensions are growing, parents feel as if they are being taken advantage of, or parents feel they are hindering and not helping their children move ahead by allowing them to remain under their roof indefinitely.”

Newman acknowledges that pushing adult children out of the house is not an easy thing to do, so it’s best to ease them into the idea. And parents can make it clear they can still provide support once their kids do leave.

ALSO SEE: How parents can have a healthy relationship with their kids

“Offer ways that you can be helpful—giving them a modest amount of money for their rent, offering to babysit if grandchildren are part of the equation, giving them cooked or frozen meals if they will be working long hours and are nearby, or borrowing a car if and when feasible,” Newman says.

To minimize the risk of headaches and misunderstandings of this type of cohabitation, Christina Newberry, who wrote The Hands-on Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home, says the best way to make the arrangement work is to have an agreement in writing beforehand.

“Always put it in writing,” Newberry says. “This is important. Sit down ahead of time and work out not only financial agreements but other agreements related to behaviour and expectations. That’s because once you’re living in the situation, if things don’t go as you hoped, it’s very easy for everyone to remember that conversation differently.”