Checking In
Doctor? Mother? A Personal Choice
Thu Mar 27, 3:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: I have a 26-year-old sister who was halfway through medical school before she decided to drop out and have two children. Initially, my family was shocked and angry, as she did not reveal her pregnancy until her first baby was born -- but like most families, we've come to respect and support her decision. I, however, am still puzzled over why she did such an unimaginable thing. My sister graduated at the top of her class from a top-tier college and aspired to be a neurosurgeon. We occasionally talk about her decision to drop out, and my sister's response is always, "I'm happier being a mom. I did what made me happy." She says she feels more successful being a stay-at-home mom and raising two kids, but I think a successful person is someone who's able to balance their professional career and personal life. Am I right?
--- STRING THEORIST
DEAR STRING: It is interesting that what is "unimaginable" to you was a no-brainer for your sister. I know people who have graduated from med school and then gone on to be authors, screenwriters or lawyers. My own daughter chose to forgo children and opted to become an M.D. I am for people doing what gives them the most pleasure. In your sister's case, she opted for children, and from what you say, she sounds quite content with her decision. I'm not sure why you and your parents are so het-up about this. The fact that no one knew about the pregnancy until there was a baby suggests to me that your sister was well aware of everyone's feelings about her career. And life is long, my friend. Her children will not be young forever, and then, who knows? She may take her interrupted science/medical education in another direction. I do think that being a dedicated mother is every bit as valuable as being a physician. As for your question about what constitutes a successful life, your definition of balancing professional and personal is strictly your own; there are no "rules" for this.
--- MARGO, INCLUSIVELY
When It's All in Your Head
DEAR MARGO: I am a happily married man with a dilemma. I have always been a one-woman man, even in earlier relationships, which were really bad in some ways. Before I got together with my wonderful wife, I had a serious crush on a woman who's in a position of authority (and senior to me) at work. Even though I knew this was nuts, I have been in love with this woman from the first moment I set eyes on her. Because of her position, asking her out was impossible, but I felt a deeper longing for her than for any other woman I've ever known. When I got together with my now-wife, I thought this would end, as other crushes ended as soon as I found a relationship. It didn't. I still think about this woman all the time, and I'll do almost anything to spend a few minutes talking to her. I will never hit on her because I'll never be unfaithful to my wife. But I wish my longing for this woman would go away. Do you have any advice for me?
--- FRACTIONATED
DEAR FRAC: Your fantasy has taken over your life, my friend. I would hope that as a self-described happily married man with a "wonderful wife," you would recognize that you're spinning your emotional wheels and dreaming about forbidden fruit -- which is not only a waste of time and energy, but a distraction from your real life and your real marriage. If you cannot shake thinking about Impossible Dream Woman, I would suggest talking to a mental health professional, lest you spend more time focusing on a party you will never attend.
--- MARGO, CURATIVELY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
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