Checking In
A New Kind of Closet
Fri Feb 23, 3:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: I am frustrated with my relationship in so many ways. My partner of seven years has been looking at straight porn (we are a gay male couple) all this time, and I have just recently made him fess up. Finally he has admitted to looking at this for most of his life. I work with computers professionally and do the regular maintenance on our desktop and laptop, so he has no idea that I can see what he thinks he has deleted. I am now having trust issues since he's been denying it for so long.
At one point, our joint account was charged a fee that I did not recognize. I called to find out what it was. It was a subscription to a straight porn site. He still denies it. I believe he signed up for a trial period and did not cancel in time. And . . . he has had erectile dysfunction problems throughout our relationship.
I had opened the door at one point to see if he needed to experience women beyond what he already has, but he declined because of our relationship. What should I do? We have everything together -- joint accounts, vehicles, etc.
--- UNSURE OF WHAT'S HAPPENED
DEAR UN: This is kind of unusual, as it sounds as though your partner may be a closet straight person. There's clearly a strong emotional bond between you because he's declined your offer to "experiment." If he were watching straight porn and he could perform with you, I would chalk it up to a kink, but the bottom line is that he is conflicted and ambivalent, and neither you nor I is equipped to get to the bottom of this.
A therapist who specializes in gender issues should be consulted. As for the joint holdings, should it come to breaking up, it sounds as though the two of you would financially unwind in an equitable manner. You are right to want to get to the root of the problem, because the relationship sounds unsatisfactory for both of you as it is now.
--- MARGO, PROBINGLY
When a Ghost Stays Too Long
DEAR MARGO: I had a wonderful marriage to a man I started dating in 1979. Although we went through several cancer surgeries for my husband and were blessed with two sons the doctors said were "miracle babies," I wouldn't have traded a minute of it.
My husband lived longer than his docs ever expected, but he finally died at the end of 1988. Two weeks before his death, we were talking. I promised him there would never be another man in our boys' lives until they were out of high school. I hope this gave him some peace. And I kept that promise. Our oldest, 19, graduated in 2005, and our youngest, 18, graduated this year.
I'm now free to date, but I feel like it's cheating on my husband. I still love him dearly. How do I go about dating again when there is the ghost of my husband still in the picture? My husband treated me like a queen, and I can't settle for anything less. Do you have any advice for me?
--- TEXAS WOMAN WITH A HOLE IN HER HEART
DEAR TEX: I do not think one can cheat on a departed spouse, and to be frank, I think either your volunteering or his asking that there not be another man until the kids were out of the house was a mistake. Because it's been almost two decades that your memories have held you back from living your life, you probably need psychological counseling to understand life is for the living.
As for dating, it's not so easy, but a lot of men your age feel the same way. I'm betting you will feel comfortable with the right one. In a perfect world, it would be a widower who, like you, had a wonderful marriage.
--- MARGO, OPTIMISTICALLY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
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