Checking In
He Said, She Said -- Literally
Thu Jan 3, 3:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: My new boyfriend is extremely uncomfortable with any contact I have with my ex-husband, whether it's phone or e-mail, even in regard to business. I am absolutely forbidden to have even a 30-second phone call. Is his reaction appropriate, or should he stay out of my relationship with my ex-husband since it does not involve him?
--- C.V.
DEAR MARGO: My girlfriend recently wrote to you regarding my uneasiness with her continued contact with her ex-husband. I'd like to set the facts straight. First of all, I never "forbid" her to do anything. I'm uneasy with her contact with the ex because she cheated on me with him and lied about it for six months. Even after the truth came out, she couldn't be honest about simple things like saying she called him. All I'm asking from her is that she keep her contact with him to a minimum and conduct it in a businesslike manner. (The divorce is almost final.) What's so wrong with asking her to take my feelings into consideration? Perhaps providing you with the full scope of the situation will help you render your advice. Thanks.
--- D.B.
Before I had read the boyfriend's version, I would have answered her this way:
He certainly sounds unreasonable, insecure and far too controlling in his approach. I would have added that I didn't think anyone over the age of 8 could be "forbidden" to do anything. I was taking her at her word that there were no lingering embers between her and the ex. My recommendation probably would have been to get her boyfriend to lighten up, bag the jealousy and go forward. Or not.
After reading his letter, however, the whole picture changed. The particulars had the ring of truth, and I then felt she was presenting a slanted picture to get me to come down on her side. Weighing both versions, a la Judge Judy, I would have to agree with the boyfriend in his request that the communication between the two of them be open and aboveboard, and that the dealings with the ex be brief. I would also compliment him for being able to get past her cheating. Not every man could. There is something particularly galling about cheating with an ex, not to mention lying about it.
Readers occasionally carp that I don't have both sides of the story when I answer letters. I think that is just the nature of this kind of column, and it is unrealistic to expect people to write me in pairs. Plus ... I have no desire to be Judge Judy.
-- MARGO, EVENHANDEDLY
This Is the Time To MYOB
DEAR MARGO: A friend of mine is happy in her marriage, though I wonder whether her husband is overly controlling. He is a successful chiropractor in the community, and my friend considers him a good source for medical information, often telling people she is married to a "doctor." The issue is that when my friend recently developed a strange sore that concerned her very much, her husband told her not to see a doctor and that he would treat her. My friend agreed because she is afraid her husband would be angry if she disobeyed him. I am concerned that she needs to see a specialist quickly in case it is something serious. Am I overstepping my bounds? What, if anything, should I do?
--- AMBIVALENT
DEAR AMB: You would be overstepping your bounds, and what you should do is nothing. Your friend's husband, the bone cracker, will likely figure out at some point that a manipulation is useless when it comes to a skin lesion. In any case, this is not your business. If your friend takes herself to an M.D., it should be her decision, not yours.
--- MARGO, SAGACIOUSLY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
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