Checking In
A Family Spat About Gay Visitors
Fri Jan 11, 3:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: My husband and I have been together for 19 years. We have had normal problems over the years, but now there's one we can't seem to work through. He is a self-employed contractor. One of his employees is gay. I do not approve of this lifestyle. I have told my husband I would prefer he not bring this man to our home because the man makes very inappropriate remarks directed toward me and our children. He also talks openly about his relationship with his partner while our children are present. The kids have made comments that this bothers them. I questioned my husband about why he allows this behavior from an employee, and the conversation became quite heated. He says I am wrong in demanding that this man not be allowed in our home just because of his lifestyle. It is not just his lifestyle; it is the disrespectful manner in which he conducts himself around me and our children. I have learned over the years to choose my battles very carefully, and this is one battle I am not backing down from. Am I wrong to take such an unyielding stance on this issue?
--- OLD IRONSIDES
DEAR OLD: I'd be willing to bet you are homophobic, though you would probably reject that. I think, in this day and age, it is disgraceful to wish to bar someone from your home because he or she is gay. (It would be illegal if you ran a business or a public establishment.) As for conversation you find inappropriate and disrespectful, as your husband's wife and the children's mother, you certainly may request that certain subjects be out of bounds. Your negative feelings, however, may be causing you to be hypercritical. That you say your children are bothered by this man's conversation suggests you have managed to communicate your anti-gay bias to them. So yes, in this instance, I think you are wrong and have chosen an unfortunate issue over which to draw a line in the sand.
--- MARGO, INTUITIVELY
Like Mother, Like Daughter?
DEAR MARGO: I am a bisexual woman. I live with my boyfriend and have a good relationship with both my parents. When I was 16, I told my parents I was attracted to women, and they accepted it. Shortly after, my mom took me out to dinner and told me she also likes women! I had a lot of questions, but she withdrew, saying she had only been curious, but the lesbian relationships she mentioned each lasted years! I think that makes her a little more than curious. I told her I was uncomfortable with my father not knowing, but she asked me not to tell, and I have not said a word. It didn't really bother me until I got older and she told me I should not seriously date women and should marry a wealthy man (dating any woman I liked on the side).
More and more, I believe this is how my mother lived her life. I accept my mom, but I feel guilty keeping secrets from my father. I don't want to mess up their lives, but if it were me, I'd want to know. At the same time, part of me thinks my mother's past is not important and I should keep my mouth shut and let them enjoy the rest of their lives together. What is the right thing to do?
--- TORN
DEAR TORN: The right thing to do is nothing ... though I think you have your mother pegged right. As for feeling you ought to deliver this news to your father, forget it. It is not your place and not your business. It is their marriage, and I am quite certain your mother was confiding in you. As for her advice to marry a wealthy man, apparently no one ever told her that's a tough way to make a living.
--- MARGO, RELIABLY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
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