Checking In
When Mother Does Not Know Best
Thu Jan 24, 3:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: My mom is 66 and was widowed 15 years ago. My stepfather was a verbally abusive alcoholic who made life miserable for my younger sister, my mother and me. (He died at age 44 from complications of alcoholism.) This past spring, my mom met and started dating a younger man. He's 43 (the same age as my younger sister), and guess what? He's an alcoholic. He rides a Harley, and his idea of a good time is hanging out at the local tavern. My mom is having a great time with him and ... she recently ran off and married him. She now expects my sister and me to accept him as part of the family. Margo, I am not a judgmental person, but this guy is not someone I would ever choose to associate with. I have absolutely no interest in getting to know him, and I think my mom has made a huge mistake. She is making poor financial and personal decisions that will have consequences for my sister and me. That said, I want her to be happy, but not at the expense of my own happiness. I have a 12-year-old son whom I don't want exposed to the bad choices these two are making (drinking excessively, smoking and more). Am I being rude? Please give me some direction. My sister and I are really having a hard time with this. (We are successful, happy and well-adjusted, despite tough times with stepdad No. 1.)
--- RESISTANT TO ANOTHER DRUNK
DEAR RESIST: I suspect you are thinking: If we knew it was lousy living with an alcoholic, why didn't she? It is, alas, not uncommon for women to repeat their mistakes in choosing men. Not only has your mother teamed up with another drinker, he is also close to the age of her last husband when he died -- almost as though she wanted subconsciously to pick up where she left off. If I were you, along with your sister, I would tell your mother her choice of husband makes you uncomfortable, so you will probably wind up seeing her without him. If she says that's not in the cards, you will have to tell her you feel strongly enough that there may have to be a timeout. You might also voice your concern about her decisions -- relative to her own good -- and then you must leave it at that.
--- MARGO, PURPOSEFULLY
I Love You, I Love You ... Now What Is Your Routing Number?
DEAR MARGO: I met a girl five months ago and have fallen in love. We met on eHarmony and have since moved in together. We're both committed to a serious relationship, and we talk about marriage. My previous relationship fell apart after a year and a half, and I'm a realist. Our relationship is amazing, and as much as I think we're perfect for each other, I wonder how we'll feel a year from now. She wants to begin merging bank accounts and such. This scares me because I like to plan for the worst. We're looking at purchasing furniture and other long-term investments. I don't want to let the situation get out of hand too fast and lead to a premature breakup or large amounts of stress. I've seen too many of my friends' relationships end that way. Should I heed my fear or follow my love? Is this a stupid problem to have?
--- LOST IN DELIBERATION
DEAR LOST: I would rather call it being rational, but yes, follow your fear. This girl is in entirely too much of a hurry to play house. For one thing, it is most unusual to merge bank accounts while just "going together." Even engaged couples normally don't do this. There is too much room for error and misunderstanding, or worse. I would get the upper hand in this situation and decide you are not going to be maneuvered into anything prematurely. You have not known each other half a year, and the young woman has to be encouraged to slow down. This would only be a stupid problem to have if you acceded to her wishes.
--- MARGO, GRADUALLY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
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