Checking In
Apron Strings and Angst
Fri Jun 6, 3:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: I am just holding on by a thread. I have been with my fiance for 12 years now. We have been engaged for two years because I can't seem to get him to grow up. His mother has her claws in him in every way possible, and it drives me crazy the way she manipulates him. I love him a great deal, but if he doesn't grow up, and fast, I will walk away from everything we've built together. He calls his mother "baby" and "honey," and the few times we three have been together, he would start his sentence with "baby," and we both would answer. I guess I just really want to know if it's time for me to walk away because I know some things aren't going to change. I honestly believe that if I were to suggest he choose, I would definitely lose. He is not the only child. His older brother lives closer to the mother than we do, but because the other brother doesn't fall for her tripe, she has my home in turmoil. Is it time to cut the apron strings?
--- MISS V.
DEAR MISS: Twelve years is a long time to go with somebody, hon, and I fear it may be too late to cut the apron strings. Things sound as though they are at the point where you have to stick it to him: Either you'll need to see some changes, or the romance is off. If you lose, as you predict, you won't have lost much because a guy who can't detach from his mother is going to be a source of grief forever. I agree that this taffy pull of a romance needs a serious re-do or a termination.
--- MARGO, DECISIVELY
When the Marriage May Go Up in Smoke
DEAR MARGO: My husband of 18 years promised to quit smoking after the wedding. I'm still waiting. Obviously, since I've been this patient, it hasn't been a huge issue in the past. But I am increasingly worried about his health. I also worry about the bad example this sets for our teen and pre-teen sons. In addition, my husband always smokes outside, which means he is always outside and away from the family when he is home, since he is a chain smoker. I feel that I'm not even married sometimes because he's seldom around. In addition, my husband dislikes going anywhere because of all the smoking restrictions. When we do go somewhere, the whole outing is centered on finding smoking opportunities. My husband has tried patches, prescription meds, counseling and numerous behavior modification strategies, but all to no avail. It's only a matter of time before his health will become a problem, and I'm starting to feel desperate. How do I cope with this?
--- ADDICT'S WIFE
DEAR AD: You are right that your husband is addicted. It has been said that kicking cigarettes is tougher than swearing off booze, although Mark Twain said quitting smoking was easy; he knew this because he had done it thousands of times. I can tell you that the decision to stop has to come from him. He has apparently tried and failed -- which means he's really hooked. As for your feeling desperate, I would suggest you attend either an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting. These are specifically for family members whose emotions are roiled because of someone else's addiction. You will get good support there. (There is also the possibility that Narcotics Anonymous might be the answer for him.)
--- MARGO, UNDERSTANDINGLY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
