The Lookout

Lance Armstrong mocked by late-night joke writers

Dylan Stableford, Yahoo News
The Lookout

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(Comedy Central)

Lance Armstrong's reported doping confession to Oprah Winfrey provided plenty of fodder for the former professional cyclist's many critics—and plenty of red meat for America's late-night joke writers.

The seven-time Tour de France champion and testicular cancer survivor taped an interview for Winfrey's OWN television network on Monday during which he reportedly admitted to using performance-enhancing drugs during his cycling career.

"According to the CDC, over 128 million flu vaccines have been administered this year," Jay Leno said on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno." "That's almost as many injections as Lance Armstrong has gotten in his entire career." And Armstrong's confession, he noted, "came as a shock to as many as a dozen people."

Armstrong's sit-down with Winfrey "lasted close to three hours," Jimmy Fallon quipped on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon." "So it's sort of like a regular interview but, you know, on steroids."

And Jimmy Kimmel joked on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" that "inside sources say [Armstrong] refused to come clean about the doping at first, but then he caved when Oprah promised him a panini maker."

Kimmel then outsourced the rest of his Armstrong zingers to a mock call center in India. "We've done a lot of Lance Armstrong jokes over the years, and it's hard to come up with new stuff," Kimmel said before turning his monologue over to the outsourced material:

"Why did Lance Armstrong go on the Oprah Winfrey show? Because he thought he'd have a ball."

"What is the secret of Lance Armstrong's success? He always stays positive."

[Related: ‘The View’ panel mocks Lance Armstrong’s testicle size (VIDEO)]

As for "The Daily Show," it weighed in on Armstrong in a segment called "Mr. Fibb."

"I believed in you Lance Armstrong," host Jon Stewart said, feigning outrage. "I shelled out a dollar for a rubber bracelet I have somewhere in my house. ... Well I think we all owe cancer an apology."

Stewart then mocked Winfrey's recent satellite interview with "CBS This Morning."

"I would say that for myself, my team, all of us in the room, we were mesmerized and riveted by some of [Armstrong's] answers," Winfrey told Gayle King.

"So you're saying we should watch it?" Stewart joked, adding: "By the way, that's not on satellite—Oprah just appears whenever Gayle gazes into a reflective surface."

The "Late Show With David Letterman," meanwhile, dedicated its "Top Ten" list on Tuesday to the other revelations from Armstrong's Winfrey interview:

10. Artificially enhanced his cycling shorts

9. Still never leaves the house without several vials of clean urine

8. Owns Texas real estate known as "Rancho Decepto"

7. Took steroids to work up the strength to admit taking steroids

6. Once had an inappropriate relationship with an air hose

5. Also has tattoo of Rex Ryan's wife

4. Has given up on making the baseball Hall of Fame

3. United States Postal Service paid him in stamps

2. Started erotic website, "Tour-De-Pants"

1. Admitted to doping just to get on "Oprah"

Stephen Colbert also skewered Winfrey's appearance on CBS.

"She sat down ... to give us her reaction to what she won't tell us Lance said," Colbert noted on "The Colbert Report." "Well I'm sorry, Oprah. I am not playing into your little PR stunt. If you will not tell us what happened between you and Lance, I have the responsibility as a journalist to make something up.

"This just in," Colbert then announced. "Lance Armstrong is banging Oprah."

Colbert also said that "rumors have been swirling for years. But when times got tough for this man, I did not get off the tandem bike of admiration. No, I saddled up, rang the bell of loyalty, put down the kickstand of support and stayed in it to Schwinn it ... and I've run out of bike metaphors.

"Point is, this man is a hero," Colbert added. "He beat cancer, then he went on to beat something even less popular: the French."

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