'Orphan Black' Premiere Recap: Drop the Glue Gun — We're Using Real Bullets Now

SPOILER ALERT: This recap of the "Orphan Black" Season 2 premiere contains character and storyline spoilers.

They're baaack! Open your crafts closet, grab a glue gun, and design a big ol' thank you card, because our favorite clones — including one we didn't expect to see again — finally returned in "Orphan Black's" thrilling (and hilarious) second-season premiere on BBC America.

Like the series premiere — when Beth took off her heels and jumped in front of a subway train — "Nature Under Constraint and Vexed" got off to a fast and furious start. It picks up moments after the season finale, with Sarah frantically searching for her kidnapped daughter, Kira, and her guardian, Mrs. S.

[Related: 'Orphan Black' Bosses Tease Season 2 Action and 'Next Level' of Conspiracy]

Farm to Table

Who do we have to kill to get some organic eggs around here? In a scene as tense as "Pulp Fiction's" diner robbery, Sarah found herself at the center of a shootout between two creepy cowboys and a gallant diner owner. She eluded the only other survivor ("Nikita's" Ari Millen) by kicking out a hole in the bathroom wall, because that's how you do when you're a badass like Sarah Manning.

Bottoms Up

Hello, Felix! Sarah's sassy sidekick made a grand entrance (does he ever not?), high as a kite, and baring his backside — again — in a--less chaps at a gay club. If anyone has a right to party, it's Felix, after everything Sarah and her clone sisters have put him through. Sadly for Fe (and the four guys he was planning to spend the night with), Sarah dragged him away from his super fun night. His new assignment: borrow a gun from Alison. The kind that uses bullets, not hot glue — Sarah was planning more than craft-torture when she confronted Rachel and the Dyad Institute.

[Related: 'Orphan Black' Star Jordan Gavaris Previews Season 2: Felix Will Have 'New Allegiances, New Enemies']

"Wipe, Wipe, Wipe Away the Plasma!"

Alison was not pleased to see Felix or do anything to jeopardize her Dyad peace agreement. Desperately trying to reclaim her Suzy Homemaker lifestyle, she's not only sober (no more "little helpers") but has an exciting new suburban hobby: community theater. Savor these six magic words: Alison. Is. Starring. In. A. Musical. She inherited the leading role from the dearly departed Aynsley. (Recap: She was strangled via garbage disposal while Alison, mistakenly believing her nosy neighbor was her monitor, looked on, à la Walter White and Jane.) One little ditty in the play involves Alison and her co-stars mopping up after an "unfortunate death" while belting out these brilliant lyrics: "We will wipe, wipe, wipe away the plasma, scrub away every stain / Since I cannot control my asthma, I will stand by to entertain!" (When will this hit Broadway and is it too soon to line up at the TKTS booth in Times Square?)

Big Bad Proletheans

Alison also stood by her sister clone, buying a gun from her drug dealer ("let's call him 'Ramon'") and arranging to hand it off to Sarah during her rehearsal. Unfortunately, Clone City's Finest (where does "Orphan Black" take place anyway?), Art and Angela, were on Alison's tail — sorry, poor choice of words, given a certain transgenic amputee; let's say they were on a stakeout — and apprehended Sarah as soon as they spotted her in the parking lot. On the bright side, Art became convinced that Sarah was telling the truth, especially after he learned that the dead cowboy in the diner was a Prolethean like Maggie Chen. Now Art really wants to know who Helena is — you know, the Jell-O-lovin' killer clone whom Sarah shot dead in the first-season finale.

[Related: From 'Game of Thrones' to 'Orphan Black,' Michiel Huisman Is About to Be Introduced to TV's Biggest Fandoms]

Tubthumping

Surprise! Helena is actually alive. We should've known: Like Chumbawamba, when she gets knocked down, Helena always gets up again — you're never gonna keep her down. But she's definitely not great, Bob: When we see her again, she's staggering down a hospital hallway, politely saying, "Excuse me — my sister shot me," before collapsing in a pool of blood. Here's hoping the doctors get to her before that Prolethean predator on her tail. (Oops, sorry again!)

HBIC

Sarah eventually got that gun (with a handmade card!) from Alison, and crashed a Dyad fundraising party disguised as Cosima — proving once again that Tatiana Maslany is some kind of sorceress because how else could one human so convincingly portray these utterly unique characters? Anyway, Rachel the ice queen was anticipating Sarah, if not her firearm, and claimed that the Dyad did not have Kira — they were only using her kidnapping as leverage. (She might be telling the truth: In the last scene, an unseen kidnapper appears to be taking Kira's picture for ransom.) Rachel's lackey, Paul (sigh) forced Sarah to stand down, but not before she punched the boss lady in the face. But Sarah turned the tables, stealing her ex-lover's gun after smacking him too. "In the face?" he asked incredulously. "Sorry," she responded, because YOU DON'T MESS WITH HOT PAUL'S FACE. You'd better apologize, girl.

Cosiphene 4evah

Cosima and Delphine's romance is steamier than ever — but the sexy immunologist is still working for Dr. Leekie and the Neolutionists. At the Dyad fundraiser, Delphine handed him a blood sample — presumably from Cosima, whose health isn't improving — saying, "324B21 is showing same respiratory symptoms as the other two. Congratulations: I'm invested, which is I'm sure what you wanted." Aw. Alison, could you please make a "Get Well Soon" card for 324B21?

[Related: Attack of the Clones! A Who's Who of 'Orphan Black' Season 2]

Best Felixims

"I'm in the midst of a five-way." (at a gay club, wasted, in a--less chaps)

"Holy sh--, what's with the balls of your thumbs, they're so bouncy!" (high, to Alison)

"Oh my God, not 'Cats.'" (when Alison says she's doing a musical)

"I smell lesbians in my bed last night" (to Cosima, who stayed over with Delphine; her response: "I'm not going to apologize for my heart")

"Orphan Black" Season 2 airs Saturdays at 9 p.m. on BBC America.