Caring Neighbors Fill Void Left By Child's Inattentive Parents

Quote of the Day:

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a $ $ holes. - William Gibson

One of my son's friends is living with us right now, his parents are unwilling/unable to care for him because alcohol is more important to them. I am a single mom and money is tight but somehow we manage. I cannot for the life of me imagine something being more important than my kids.

Oh I love everything about this article! I learned that it only takes one significant adult to effect a child's life and give him that stability he so needs. Amen to those who take those precious few minutes a week to do that!

I dont remember the original letter saying dad was ignoring his family. I just remember thinking I wouldnt want to be married to a hard hearted person like his wife.

My parents took in a teenage friend of my brothers and and helped him become an adult. Years later my son brought home a friend who's parents had died and whose sister had kicked him out. He stayed with us for a summer in South Dakota and in the fall one of his brothers took him in back in California. He was suicidal due to the losses and we had lots of talks. He called me about a year later to thank me and let me know he was ok and studying the art he loved. I am thankful for that summer helping that trouble boy. I hope the letter writer's children learn the love and compassion I learned from my folks and my son learned from my actions with Scott.

Over the years, my daughters have brought many young friends through our doors. Perhaps because for many of those years I was stay at home mom, I ended up becoming a surrogate mom to a lot of those kids. I've never regretted that. I am glad that I can help them and listen to their problems. That they know they have someone who will be there to lend them a helping hand and who believes in them. My daughters have learned a lot and have learned about reaching out and helping others throught this as well. They have grown into lovely women themselves who are continuing the tradition. I am very proud of all of "my" children!

Our home is a hangout for my kids' friends as well as my dogs' friends. Our only rule is pick up after yourselves if you have thumbs and don't pee on the carpet. We just simply can't afford to have all the kids I would have liked (or dogs for that matter ;) so our house feels much bigger and warmer with everyone hanging out on a Friday night. I'm happy to provide pizza and snacks knowing that these kids aren't out getting into trouble. Writer's wife needs to lighten up and learn to love. You never know kind of difference you make in someone's life.

this is a great story, and I hope comes to a happy ending. I am only 53 and i remember a time when neighbors helped neighbors. Now every one is to scared of being sued if they try to help. its a darn shame

We only have the one side of the story. I would suggest that they husband adress why his wife feels like he's neglecting his family. I know it sounds corney but a family meeting that includes the daughters would give everyone a chance to discuss the issues. Maybe the daughter's don't feel the same way the mother does. As long as the father is being a father to his children and a husband to his wife, then the wife needs to remember that no one has a finite amount of love to give. The awesome thing about love is you can always create more when you need it.

The original letter:

DEAR ABBY: Our neighbor's son, "Donny," has become a regular fixture in our home. His parents divorced years ago, and his father is terminally ill.
Donny has "adopted" me as a father figure. We have spent a great deal of time together. Not having a son -- I have daughters -- I admit that being with him is a novelty.

My wife, on the other hand, feels no one should "infiltrate" her family. There are few boys in our neighborhood, and Donny isn't old enough to venture to other streets in search of playmates. I can't bring myself to turn him away knowing how lonely he is and how difficult his life will become. I worry that he's a prime candidate for a predator, or that he could start drinking or smoking at an early age. I'd rather have him in our house where I know he's safe.

My wife says we can't save everyone, and I know that. But when I hear about the bad things that happen to kids on the news, it makes me wonder where was someone who could have helped them.

How can I get my wife to see this is a chance to make a difference in this boy's life, and that he's no threat to our family unit? -- FRIEND OF A LONELY CHILD

DEAR FRIEND: Your wife appears to be responding to Donny on an emotional rather than a rational level. Because she didn't "produce" a son, she views the time or emotional nourishment that you give Donny as something being taken away from her daughters. That's sad.

It's possible that a religious adviser could help her to view this differently, but if she can't find sympathy in her heart for the boy, then I recommend you talk to Donny's mother about finding a Big Brother for him, through her religious denomination.

One of my desires as a parent is to be the kind of person my son's friends can come to if their own home life isn't giving them the loving support they need, or if they need a safe place to be for a while. My little one is only 2, so it's a bit early for that yet. But the mother in this family sounds like she has problems and doesn't understand that the more people you love, the more love you have for everyone.

How to make a grown man cry -- A few years ago my son asked to use the phone to call his old "buddy". As I listened in on the extension I heard him say to the neighbor who used to let him hang around, "You're the closest thing to a dad I ever had and I wanted to thank you and wish you a Happy Fathers Day." Those few minutes once in a while add up and mean more than you may ever realize, so take the time to say Hi, invite a kid to help you work on the car, ask him if he needs to talk, etc. Thanks to someone that did, my son changed from an angry, hateful child into a young man that amazes me and a nice guy that couldn't have kids of his own got to hear the magical words he thought he never would --- Dad.

It sounds sort of goofy... alright a lot goofy... But just look at the TV show, based something on real life, Little House on the Priarie. Ma & Pa Ingalls took in just about ever stray they ran across and there might not have been money, but there was always love. Even if that is embellished for literary purposes, I do hope they were that loving a family and cared that much for other human beings. It would be nice if we all stopped and cared about someone, other than ourselves, once in a while. I think the world might be just a little bit better if we did.

My father died from cancer when I was in my early tees. During that time, and in the years after when my mother was struggling to find her way as a single parent of five young children, my best friend's parents opened their home to a lost, angry, and heartbroken young girl. Because these wonderful people gave me the love, acceptance, and structure that my own family was not able to at the time, I learned love is not a finite commodity. I learned responsibility, faith, acceptance, and caring. I would have been in prison,or worse, if it hadn't been for the Smith family. Every day, I ask God to bless them and return the positive impact they made on my life. Such small gestures can have such a large impact.

My across the street neighbor is a single mom with 3 kids, one of them behaviorally challenged. She works 40-50 hours a week at a gas station just to make ends meet, even went to work with a broken ankle. She's a GOOD mom who tries so hard. But sometimes they have no food in their house. I mean NONE, not even a packet of stale crackers. I make huge dinners those nights and feed everyone. Once a month I take her to get necessities and a few snackies for the kids. I can't afford much, BUT to leave children with empty bellies or aching hearts is to be heartless. This man is no ordinary man, but apparently a man who was raised to have love and compassion.

Sounds to me like it's the wife who's jealous. Of a child? Really? I know this is assumption, but maybe Dad knows his daughters and knows that they are strong, and self-reliant and that he's taught them what he can, but this grieving, pain filled boy doesn't have that.

But to immediately assume he's a pedophile? Really? Just because that's the first place YOUR mind goes, doesn't mean that's where someone else's is.

The Viking is forever helping the little kid across the street who lives with his grandmother while meanwhile the kid's mother is off having another baby with yet another man. The Viking shows him how to fix things, mow a lawn, etc. and even hooked him up with a tool box a couple of months ago with the various basic tools a guy would need. It's so cute to see him out there wrenching on his bicycle and you can tell he's very proud of having his own tools. It's a sweet sight to behold.

Today's Play on Words:
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

The original letter:

DEAR ABBY: Our neighbor's son, "Donny," has become a regular fixture in our home. His parents divorced years ago, and his father is terminally ill.
Donny has "adopted" me as a father figure. We have spent a great deal of time together. Not having a son -- I have daughters -- I admit that being with him is a novelty.

My wife, on the other hand, feels no one should "infiltrate" her family. There are few boys in our neighborhood, and Donny isn't old enough to venture to other streets in search of playmates. I can't bring myself to turn him away knowing how lonely he is and how difficult his life will become. I worry that he's a prime candidate for a predator, or that he could start drinking or smoking at an early age. I'd rather have him in our house where I know he's safe.

My wife says we can't save everyone, and I know that. But when I hear about the bad things that happen to kids on the news, it makes me wonder where was someone who could have helped them.

How can I get my wife to see this is a chance to make a difference in this boy's life, and that he's no threat to our family unit? -- FRIEND OF A LONELY CHILD

DEAR FRIEND: Your wife appears to be responding to Donny on an emotional rather than a rational level. Because she didn't "produce" a son, she views the time or emotional nourishment that you give Donny as something being taken away from her daughters. That's sad.

It's possible that a religious adviser could help her to view this differently, but if she can't find sympathy in her heart for the boy, then I recommend you talk to Donny's mother about finding a Big Brother for him, through her religious denomination.

This story reminds me of my mom. While all my friends had a mother their mothers were more interested in being their friends than their parents. My mom would listen to their problems, would talk to them about solutions and how they could be avoided in the future. My friends didn't have curfews or chores but they did when they were at my house. Mom dropped them off at 10:30 and made sure they went into their houses. They had to pick up their messes at our house and all homework was done before we went anywhere. I think it's funny how many of my friends call my mother mom. It wasn't because she let them get away with murder but because she actually showed that she cared what happened to them. I'll always remember one night we got two phone calls one from my best friend and one from one of my guy friends. They had both been kicked out of their house and needed a place to go, mom didn't even blink we went and picked up my best friend and her stuff and then headed over to my guy friend's thankfully his mother had cooled off and was allowing him back in, unfortunately the same was not so for my best friend and she ended up moving in with us for probably about two years while she finished high school and started community college. I don't think people realize what a big impact people have on children by just showing them that somebody cares.

This read on reminds me of that movie Courageous that was in Theatres recently. The movie talked about the damaging effects that can occur when a child does not have a male role model in their life. It also reminds me of Mars Needs Moms. That movie was about a society that decided that men were not valuable and literally tossed them aside into the trash. I think people are just beginning to realize that our current trend of "mom" doing all child rearing is just crazy. I also can't help but wonder how many men feel about just what is their role in child rearing. Children need more than money from their fathers, they need time. Just my thoughts.