DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 10 years. At every company he has worked at, there was always a female he got close to -- sometimes a little "too close." We have had counseling. Our counselor has told him his behavior is destructive in a marriage and he should be an "open book" for as long as it takes to rebuild the trust in our relationship.
I recently found that he has changed all the passwords on his email and computer accounts. Needless to say, I am seriously disturbed by his behavior. He hasn't said anything about it, and I think he's waiting for me to ask him why. I think he wants to make the point that his "privacy" is being compromised, but I also suspect there is another new woman he's interested in recruiting.
I'm tired of these games. I don't know whether it's worth the energy to once again pursue the reasons for his behavior, or to finally walk away because I don't think he'll ever change. I really need advice. Please help. -- RUNNING OUT OF ENERGY
DEAR RUNNING: Because you are tired of the games, stop participating in them. Obviously, what your husband has done is a red flag. Tell him you know he has changed his passwords, and it appears to be an attempt on his part to close a chapter of what's supposed to be an "open book." If he attacks you for looking, remind him that with his history of serial infidelity you would have to be out of your mind not to.
Forgive me for appearing negative, but if after 10 years the two of you haven't been able to fix what's missing in your marriage -- even with the help of a counselor -- there is nothing more I can suggest.
DEAR ABBY: A longtime friend of mine, "Blanche," was diagnosed with Alzheimer's several years ago. She let me know that once she reached a certain point in the disease she did not want to be paraded around for others to gawk at.
That time came about a year ago, but I still pick her up every Sunday and take her to church. It's the only time she gets to leave the nursing home, and she loves it. The people at church give her hugs and go out of their way to treat her well and she feels it.
My question is, am I wrong in going against her earlier wishes? -- FRIEND IN ARIZONA
DEAR FRIEND: I think you are. Your friend clearly stated when she was in her right mind that she did not want to be an object of pity. By going against her wishes, you have taken away her right to be remembered with dignity. And while it was done in a well-meaning way, I don't agree with it.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman in my 30s and I'm facing the serious decision of whether to have children or not. What I'd like to know is, do people who choose not to have children regret it later in life? I appreciate your response. -- CURIOUS IN TEXAS
DEAR CURIOUS: Some probably do, but according to the mail I have received, most of the women I hear from have no regrets. In fact, last year I heard from a number of parents who said they regretted having taken on the challenge of parenthood. So, while having children can be rewarding, it is clearly not for everyone.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
- Family & Relationships
- DEAR ABBY