How to Date Like an Entrepreneur
As Neely Steinberg, a dating coach, started building up her dating business, The Love TREP, she quickly realized that many of the lessons she was learning as an entrepreneur could also help her clients find love. Having a vision, creating a board of advisors, embracing failure, tapping into networks and getting customer feedback were all techniques she wanted her clients to embrace. She wrote a book on the subject, "Skin In the Game: Unleashing Your Inner Entrepreneur to Find Love," and also incorporated the business lessons into her one-on-one consultations with women. U.S. News spoke with Steinberg, 36, about this business approach to dating and how it works. Here is an edited version of the conversation:
How did you come up with the concept of applying entrepreneurial principles to your dating life?
When I started my dating coaching business, I read as many books on entrepreneurship as I could get my hands on, subscribed to Entrepreneur magazine, attended entrepreneur-related forums and panels, and even took a class on how to create entrepreneurial opportunities. I also grew up with my father, who is an entrepreneur. I started to see a ton of parallels between the worlds of dating and entrepreneurship and thought, "What a cool way of looking at it."
[Read: The Price of Passion in Entrepreneurship.]
Being entrepreneurial is really a life skill, and it can be a game-changing idea for single women. Your love life is a startup and you are the CEO. It's a liberating way to look at things, especially for women who are stuck on the idea that they have to sit and wait for some elusive Prince Charming to rescue them.
How do these entrepreneurial strategies really help women looking for love?
It forces them to realize that they are the ones designing and building their future love stories. They learn to take smart risks and to see the possibilities in an uncertain future. It encourages discovery and growth through trial and error, thoughtful reflection and more action. It teaches you how to embrace failure and mistakes in your dating and love life by seeing those things as assets. It empowers you to ask, "How will I succeed?" instead of "Will I succeed?"
Dating entrepreneurially is about investing in this venture and making it a priority. You tap into your networks and create your own opportunities. One client had a series of good dates, only to abruptly stop hearing from the man. Instead of passively waiting for him to call, she treated him like an unresponsive client and followed up to ask him what happened. He quickly told her that he had gotten together with another woman, and she was able to move on.
Can you explain how having a "board of advisors," a concept you discuss in your book, helps?
I think there's this idea out there that we should be able to sort out our love lives on our own. Meanwhile, in every other aspect of life we have advisors and mentors and coaches and supporters. But suddenly when it comes to dating and love, we have to figure it out all by our lonesome selves, which is silly.
Any entrepreneur understands that companies are not created entirely alone. Yes, you are the one taking the risks, but inevitably you've had guidance and support and cheerleaders along the way. You admit when you don't know how to do something and reach out for advice and help.
[Read: 9 Secrets of Successful Entrepreneurs.]
Your board members in your dating venture are your partners, your confidantes and the people who believe in you. They become co-creators of your vision, and they help you achieve it through guidance and support. Your board of advisors can consist of a therapist, coach and mentor, who is a happily coupled friend.
When you say "listening to the customer" is important, what does that mean?
In any entrepreneurial venture, listening to the customer is hugely important. In the dating context, customer feedback is about listening to and understanding men -- your customer -- and having empathy for them. What do they think about dating, love, sex, relationships and marriage? It's about putting your assumptions on hold and looking at things from their perspective. Then, you become a person who creates value for others, just as the most successful entrepreneurs do.
I'm not saying that a woman should spend all her time trying to get into the heads of men and worry about what they're looking for, but she should dedicate some thought to it, and ask herself: Am I likely to make a man feel like his life would be better with me in it or more stressful with me in it?
You also say that just as for entrepreneurs, even failure is useful.
I always say that no date is a bad date, and I know we've all had doozies, but every date is an opportunity for you to practice something, even the "bad" ones. Maybe you want to work on smiling more, talking about passions in life rather than just work, flirting more or being in the present moment. Entrepreneurs become better entrepreneurs through practicing, and it's the same for daters.
[See: The Best Side Business Ideas for Busy People.]
What kind of common mistakes do both entrepreneurs and women daters make?
One is limiting beliefs. Budding entrepreneurs can often be held back in their business because of limiting beliefs around money or success. Maybe they are terrified of what it will look like if they fail. The same goes for women in the dating world. Once you identify those beliefs, you can start to address them.
What about you -- how as the entrepreneurial mindset helped your own love life?
I was totally entrepreneurial in my dating life. At age 33, I met my now-husband, Dave, on Match.com. It was as though the clouds finally parted and sent me the most wonderful man. In truth, it had nothing to do with luck but everything to do with being an action-oriented, thoughtful dater, which took time and commitment. I was persistent and resilient. I engaged in a lot of trial and error. I networked and created opportunities for myself and was a creative problem-solver when things didn't go according to plan. Even during some of my darker moments, I still believed in my overarching vision.
