Daughter Bears The Burden Of Her Parents' Unhappiness

Guilty in Georgia-tell your mom what I told my mom when she tried the same crap with me when I was about 13 or 14, "You married the guy, you chose to have a family. Either live with your choices, or get a divorce. Either way, it's not my fault and it's not my problem!" It's amazing how fast she shut up and put up. She eventually remarried, after I had gone on to my own life and family.

#1. Your parents are unhappy because they made a mistake marrying each other and don't have the nerve to end their relationship. They are transferring their anger about their inability to deal with their problems onto you. Don't let them. They are not staying together "for you". That is just an excuse. Take control of this. Tell your mother that she is doing you no favors by staying together because it is obvious they are miserable and they are making you miserable. Tell her that if they are miserable that it is worse for you than if they just got a divorce. If they don't get divorced after that, knowing that would be better for you, then they are not staying together for you. You will soon be old enough to move out and they will be faced with being alone with each other. Who are they going to blame then?

#2. Why would you feel guilty about walking without her? If anything your mom would feel guilty about holding you back. Neither of you should feel guilty about anything. How silly. Walk with her when she's available and without her when she's not. Problem solved.

#3. So you're married to an immature, unstable, unpredictable man who drinks and does drugs rather than dealing with life and won't leave the house to do things with you. Yea, that sounds like a great marriage. Honestly, being alone sounds a lot better than that. In fact, it sounds like you're already alone. IIWY I'd make that situation a formality.

Man, I'm in a really pissy mood tonight. How did that happen? lol

Ltr1) Your momma needs a butt kicking by one of your aunts. If you don't have one, well this might get a bit on the green side of what your momma likes, but here it is.
NO PARENT has the right to tell the child that they are responsible for keeping a marriage together. THE ADULTS that joined in that state of matrimony did all this without your consent. Don't let anyone tell you that you are resposnsible for anything other than YOU keeping up good grades.The accolades you get for school activitities will keep you busy. Keep your head in the school game. I know this isn't much now, but it's all I can give to you. Look forward to what you want, no one is allowed to hold you down baby girl.

2 - Get a dog. Then you'll feel guilty if you don't walk.

You've been in a lousy marriage for ten years and DARRYL is the do-nothing?

#3 You should have married Daryl's brother Daryl, or his other brother Daryl.

Parents who stay together for the sake of the kids try to pretend they are a happy family, they don't tell the kids about what they are doing. Find some cards from divorce lawyers and leave them on the counter for her.

LW1, you're not the reason your parents are unhappy: THEY are. Your mom wants to blame everyone right now, so she's blaming you. If you can, sit down with both of them and tell them that what she said bothers you, because you're not responsible for their happiness. They're the grownups, and you're the child, and they're still supposed to put your well-being first. You can also tell Mom that you seem to be the target of her anger when she's really mad at Dad, and could she please examine who she's mad at and why? It looks to me like Mom picks on you because you can't fight back, whereas Dad can. I think that your parents should sign up for ten sessions of divorce therapy--how to separate responsibly, with their kid in mind--or therapy to decide whether they're going to get divorced. But you are NOT NOT NOT responsible for their unhappiness, and your mother was mean to say that to you, and irresponsible as a parent not to think about what that could do to your feelings. If they split up, go live with your dad, honey, 'cause your mom's anger will keep her company. And remember it's far easier to blame other people than to self-examine and take responsibility.

Congratulations on being more mature than your parents.

If you want your children to be miserable just keep telling them it's their fault that your life is miserable. If they're lucky they'll wise up, leave home early and won't bother coming back.

L#3: I was married to a Daryl when I was 23. We both smoked pot and worked part-time to enjoy cross-country skiing and biking. A few years later, I saw the handwriting on the wall. Getting high was my husband's first love, so I left the marriage. Talking to Daryl will not change anything. If you have outgrown your life with him, move on. It doesn't matter how old you are.
(P.S. You're getting negative responses because you say you want something "better," but I think I know what you mean. If you mean you want a "different" life and you think it will be "better" without Daryl, it probably will be.)

3. Why did you marry Daryl to start with? You said yourself he never hit the mark in what you want. So he was always this way? It wasn't a case of he was totally what you were looking for, you both went to bed one night and he woke up totally transformed. All I have to say is everybody out there deserves to find happiness. Being stuck in an unhappy marriage--well, there ya go.

As for the advice given--isn't that a bit twisted? The first part anyway. Nobody should have to fake it or put on an act. Too much like an actor playing a part imo. Real deal. And Daryl obviously isn't what you're looking for and never was.

"If it wasn't for you I'd divorce your father" is one of those things you should never tell your children even if it's true. Like "I never wanted to have kids in the first place but your mom got pregnant so here we are." Honesty is actually NOT the best policy in every single case. :-)

better to point out to mom that if she is staying married because of you,she's really not doing you any good as you are constantly subjected to the stress of watching your parents not get along.

Off topic: waffles are tasty!

Everyone clip letter 3 to show to someone who asks if they should "settle".

L#2: I might be wrong, but I suspect that this walking issue is related to your mom's divorce somehow. Did your father leave your mother? Or has it been a very difficult adjustment for her? Walking alone isn't abandoning your mom or surpassing her in some way. Abby got this one completely right. Keep walking, alone or with her when she's available. Be kind to yourself.

If the daughter shows her letter to Abby, to her mother, she might find out just how bad tempered and miserable the mother really is. I wonder how old this daughtr is?

LW#3 thought Daryl was a "loveable rogue" when in fact he was just a rogue. Amazing how many otherwise sensible women fall into this trap. They want a "dangerous" guy, then appear bewhildered when he puts them both in danger.

When my dad announced that he and my mom were getting divorced, he also said he didn't know where I was going to live. Probably an orphanage.

#1: Your mother has a serious mental health problem. Both of your parents are too immature to have children. If you have any relatives you can live with, I suggest you go there, begin proceedings to get free of these DANGEROUS parents. If your mother is willing to verbally abuse you like this, the next step is physical abuse. Your parents do NOT deserve to be allowed around children of any age. Their attitude of blaming you for their incompetence is a gateway for them to begin other types of abuse. Get away from them as quickly as possible before they push you to the point of self injury. These people will continue to blame you for their own short comings. Their insecurity will only be a detriment to your well being. It is difficult to acknowledge that some people are too 'self-centered' to safely raise children. I am not a big fan of Foster care, but sometimes that alternative is best compared to the life of a child kept in this type of home environment. Please do not let your parents' selfishness and ignorance ruin your life. Find a better place to live while you still can. Staying in this environment will affect you the rest of your life.

Sign me: No kids because of my childhood.