Daughter Could Use Counseling To Cope With Controlling Mom

Does this mother remind anyone of the movie "Carrie"?

shoot your dopey mother.........or pay me to

I love my parents, thank God they are cool...

LW1
You moved several hours away to get away from your mother. As a college graduate,you are supposed to be an adult. Get rid of the phone, make your own way, leave her alone, and stop whining about it.

Dear LW1: Your mother is a soul-sucking psycho. I fear for yours as well as your future children's mental well-being if you don't put serious distance between yourself and your mother.

#1: unplug your phone on your landline. sent your mom a letter telling her you did this, and you would appreciate her disconnecting the line so she is not wasting her money, and set the boundries for your relationship. Let her know you will call her twice a week (or whatever you feel you can do) tell her you love her, but you are going to life your life......go enjoy.

LW1: Disconnect the phone (it's on your property, you can do that), and stop talking to your mother. She is an emotional vampire sucking the life right out of you. Yes I can relate. I have had to cut my mother out as well. Because just when you think they will act normal, they will do something and pull you back in. Cut the tie NOW.

OK, what I don't get is why she keeps telling her mom stuff if all she gets is negativity in return. It should go like this. Ring, ring. "Hello mom. I'm fine how are you? Uh, huh. Hmmm. Ohhh. That's nice. Really. Ok. Ok. Ok. Yes, love you too. Bye now. Uh huh. Bye Bye. Yes of course. Bye. Love you. Bye."

Your mom's the one who's disrespectful--she doesn't respect your career, your choice of boyfriends, your decisions, and your maturity. Write mom and tell her you're going to take a 90 day break from them. Cancel the phone or unplug it. Tell them that during the break they need to re-think their relationship with you, and you expect that they will show you respect and there are now subjects that are off limits, such as "mind control" and your soul. I don't think telling her that you'll call every Sunday will do it, I actually think you're going to have to re-boot. Tell them the 20 calls a day are unwelcome. You can also tell Dad that he's partly to blame for not doing anything to modify her behavior, since he's admitted it's destructive, and you're expecting big changes from him, too. Then in 90 days you can call them and see if they've changed any. If they mess up, tell them you are not interested in their opinions if they fail to show you any kindness or respect, and hang up. Repeat as necessary.

It's kind of like dealing with an alcoholic, sweetie, or training a dog that jumps up on you: if you don't get the appropriate behavior, you just get away immediately. And seriously, you qualify for a restraining order, but the simpler thing to do is to screen calls. I speak from years of experience, since I could only talk to my mother about 5 times a year, and the abuse was incredible. (It pretty much defined insane--after half an hour of berating me, she'd ask why we didn't move in to the house for sale across the street. Instead we moved west and found the last zip code before the ocean.) Your mom is mentally ill, your dad is throwing you under the bus, and you can't rescue either of them. All you can do is live your own life to the best of your ability (and it sounds like you are off to such a great start, and with a wonderfully supportive and thoughtful guy). No one has the right to abuse you--mentally, physically, emotionally, any way--and the silence will be weird for a while, but you'll come to love it.

LW1 - your mother is mentally ill. She maybe using god or religion as her "reasoning", but her behavior is that of someone who is pertrified of the outisde world. I know it is sad, but you will never have a "normal" relationship with your mom. You cannot change who she is, and she doesn't seem to know that she has crossed a line. That doesn't mean that you cannot have ANY relationship with her, but as an adult, you are allowed to set boundaries, and she must follow them. Let her pray for your soul, and worry that work is taking advantage of you, she has probably always worried this much about you, but don't allow t to change the way you live your life.
My parents were pretty controlling, and while it drove several of siblings nuts, my very easy going older brother taught me, "Smile, nod your head, agree with them, and then do you what want."

LW#1 - Unplug the dogdamned phone. You are already far away, cut that last line. Sure, you might cut off your father who seems sane, but your mother... there is no helping her. The sooner you hear none of her, the more your quality of life WILL improve.

LW#1: A friend of mine once was engaged to a beautiful, aspiring young girl who had a mother that sounded exactly like hers. She, like yours, tried desperately to get her daughter to move back, but the fiancee was happy to finally be free from her mother. Then her mom faked having breast cancer and told her daughter she was dying. She broke up with my friend and moved home, fearing the worst. Welp, since she quit her job and used up her savings to care for her "sick" mother, now she's stuck. last I checked, she was on antidepressants and had gained about 60 pounds.

The moral of this story: do not ever, and I mean EVER, talk to that woman again. under any circumstance. Cut her free, and enjoy your lifelong bliss. Rip the phone out, if she sends cops to your address send them away saying your mother is mentally ill and to place her on their watchlist for phony 911 callers. do everything in your power to keep her as far away from you as possible - permanently.

LW2 - Good privacey fences make good neighbors.

To "Wants A Healthy Relationship With Mom": you're twenty-three and living a life you enjoy except for trying to please your mother. I am now in my fifties, my mom is eighty-three, and she is still as bad as yours in some respects. I moved 750 miles away when I was eighteen, to an area I love and have made a good life in. I tried moving back "home" to my old city for a few months when I was twenty, and I felt so trapped. Live your life, do good things, and don't try to have a "normal" relationship with your mother, because it will not be possible. I worked with a therapist to manage my expectations and to accept that I am not responsible for my mother's feelings or her "condition." I still love her, after some rough patches, but I shudder to think what my life would have been if I'd spent it trying to please her. Please, steer by your own star! Signed, Few Regrets

1 - You are not your mother's keeper. That's your father's job. Your job is to keep yourself sane. Now take a deep breath, pull the phone plug out of the wall and throw that landline into the landfill. Tell your mom that aliens took it and you won't replace it for fear they'll come back.

To the letter writer with the mentally ill and controlling mother:

There is a simple solution. Seeing as you do not want or need the land line phone, get an answering machine, turn off the phone ringer and record an outgoing message.

You have reached my home phone. If you are a friend, you know my cell number and should call me on that number.If you are trying to sell me something, take a survey, or save my soul, please take me off your list.

Anyone else leave a message and I will get back to you. Thanks.

You can then scan through the messages and delete them when it appears that there is no emergency.

Tell mom that you are very busy and you will call her on Sunday evenings (or whatever is good for you. When she starts with her controlling comments, tell her thank you for your opinion, but you have to go now. You will call again next week, you love her and to have a great week. Then hang up the phone.

It may take several weeks of you refusing to listen to her rants, but she will either learn that she can not control you, or you will get to the point where you will not feel guilty when you do not call for weeks. You may have to also stand up to your father, and tell him that you are now an adult, you love them both, but you are going to make your own choices in life, and will not allow your mother to control you. He needs to understand that you are not going to "work with her" in the way he wants, you are going to limit her ability to complain to you and to try to control you.

Do not worry about your soul. Your mother is using that to try to make you into a mini -her and that is not who you are.

LW1 - Seriously, you can't fix mama. Unplug the phone, check in once a week and live your life.

L#1: Let go of your dream of having a healthy relationship with your mother. That won't be happening. The "distance" you have established is the only thing keeping YOU sane. Your dad has given you bad advice because he is weak and overwhelmed. Face the fact that you didn't win the "happy family" lottery and keep your contact to a minimum. Begin by tossing the phone out.

To the lady with the controlling mom....your mom has issues, you don't. Continue to enjoy your happy life. Don't share any details with her cuz she'll just rain on your successes. Disconnect the landline phone. Don't even call her. Call your dad regularly and he can let her know that he talked to you and that you're alright. You don't 'owe' your mother anything but respect. She will never see the error of her ways if you feed into her behaviors. Just because someone is a relative doesn't mean you have to take their crap. Enjoy your life.

Your father is every bit as much, if not more so, responsible for this problem. DO NOT cut him slack that he does not deserve. He knows what your mother is doing is wrong but he would rather throw you under the bus than reach down and find a pair and either stand up to her or force her to get help. I saw this same thing with a friend of mine in college. Her mother was beyond sick. You would have the have been there to believe some of the things she did to her daughters, in private, in public, at their weddings, their children's baptisms, and NEVER once did "daddy" do a damned thing.

And don't think for a minute that he ever disagrees with her or tells her she is wrong.

Cut her off, tell him he is on that list too, and tell him why. You are a grown woman. You will survive and thrive without that toxic duo.