Fate Of Frozen Embryos Puts Couple At Crossroads

LW 1: I'm guessing your husband will be all kinds of #$%$ off if you give birth to two more kids without his knowing what you're up to. Yes, he is thinking of the family's financial well being. In the real world, money doesn't grow on trees, and it doesn't appear as if by magic because you are doing what you think is right. Don't make this decision on your own, and really think about his point of view. He's under a lot of pressure. Don't add to it.

#1 A good portion of your marriage, 8 years out of 11, has been dedicated to having babies. Now you want to continue discussing babies while you've got 3 to care for. What are you trying to avoid?

#2 Your birth mother has cirrhosis of the liver, multiple arrests and can't maintain sobriety. You can't help her and she has nothing to offer you but drama and pain.

LW#2 - Birth Mother had a reason she did not want you in her life. She made the right choice giving you and your sibling up. Honor the few good choices she made in life and stay away forever.

Abby's advice would have been mine for LW1. So many are struggling to have children, the kindest thing is to allow another couple to have them so they can have a child/children of their own. The letter writer will feel less like she is throwing away unwanted children, and the couple will likely be truly grateful. The husband is right, too many responsibilities would be a too-large strain on this family, and it is always possible the families could stay in touch.

LW2: Walk away or you are opening yourself to a mountain of heartache. When/if your bio mom ever achieves sobriety there will be time for you to get to know her. Until then, listen to your family and friends.

My relationship with my ex is as distant as I can manage to make it. Nevertheless, when he dies, my first question to my children will be "Do you need me to come?" It's not about him, it's not about my relationship with him; it's about what my children will need from me when their father passes.

I don't think LW1 should do anything with the embryos without her husbands consent. She mentioned her religious and moral beliefs and I would hope that would include being honest with her own husband. She already has three children to think about. If she goes behind her husband's back she could wind up being a single mom with five kids.

CONFUSED AND TORN: Are you crazy? Run away from the biological family as fast as you can! Be there for your real parents - the people who raised you!

A number of my family and friends have stipulated that they do not want a funeral of any kind. After being a faithful DA reader lo these many years, I can see why. Extremes from "why didn't you show up" to "what in blazes are YOU doing here?" Lawsy! Now if only we could do something about all those bridezillas.

MEANT NO DISRESPECT. : If the husband hadn't communicated with his ex wife for more than 30 years, the divorce could be very old indeed. (Or he dumped them all.) I do not think the daughter should hold it against her father for not showing up. She should be old enough by now to figure there's too much water under the bridge. She's probably still hoping for support and affirmation from Daddy. She's probably holding his whole life against him at this point. Classic child of divorce stuff. Sad, understandable and at this late date, silly. Give up ladyl! Men don't do funerals. Especially if they were divorced from the corpse more than 30 years ago. The daughter expected too much from a man who might have always given too little. Even under more ideal circumstances, I wouldn't expect the father who was divorced that long ago to come a great distance to a funeral if it was a hardship.

Why is it when the ex husband doesn't show up at the ex-wife's funeral he either abandoned the children or doesn't care? But when the ex-wife is no-show, the deceased husband must have been a real a #$%$....

1 - Donate those embryos and make two people happy because you can't make one person happy at the expense of the other if you want your family to stay intact.

L#2: I can relate to this letter personally. I have only one first cousin, who has spent the majority of her life in mental hospitals or halfway homes. Before she was institutionalized, however, she had two daughters (2 years apart) who were put up for adoption and went to different families. Twenty years later the girls found each other, met, and decided to find their mother. It was very traumatic for them. After being pumped with thorazine for so many years, her hair was gone and her teeth were rotted. She was incapable of having a normal conversation. The girls were horrified and troubled that they would also inherit whatever mental illness she exhibited. With some people, there is no chance to develop a connection or "help." As hard as it is to walk away, that's what the letter writer needs to do.

Based on what the mother of the embryos said "my husband is concerned only with the financial side of it as we have been living on one salary and things are tight", only one of them is using HIS brain. She wants five kids when they struggle to support three?

#1 - Have we not learned any lessons from Octomom? She made the choice you want to make and now has 14 kids. So now if you went ahead and had these babies, you might also lose a husband (and your mind) and everyone suffers including those kids you already have. You already made a decision to use science to help you have children that you couldn't have had naturally, don't use your beliefs now as a way to convince yourself that they should have a chance. As Abby said, you can donate them. I do feel for you but don't be a dummy.

LW #2, You now know why your mother got rid of you, to put it bluntly. It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her and her love of alcohol. A love of hers that consumes and overrides all other loves. When she got rid of you and your siblings, she did the only wise thing she probably has ever done in her life since she got married to alcohol. STOP! Stop trying to mess up her life even further by getting involved with her and negating that one good thing that she has to hold on to about what she did for you. You have your answer. Now GO away!

LW1=With three very young kids, and financial hardship, you are in no position to have more kids right now. Your husband understands this. Too bad you don't. Don't add to his stress by harping on it, and definitely DO NOT have the embryos implanted behind his back. Wait until your money situation has improved and your kids are older, and then bring it up again. If your husband is still not keen on adding additional financial stress onto the family, then have the embryos adopted. Adoption of the embryos also applies if the place storing them is charging you a fee that you can no longer afford to pay. And remember, your husband is not being unreasonable. He is trying to take care of the family. You need to do your part, too. That includes letting up on him about the embryos, and finding ways to reduce his stress at home. Frankly I am surprised that you even have the time or energy to consider having more kids right now. Instead of spending so much time thinking about the embryos, spend some time finding ways to cut family expenses, and save money. Set up a budget, clip coupons, get out there and plant a garden, preserve as much of the garden produce as you can, don't eat out or get take out meals except on special occasions, sew some of the family clothes, etc.

Frankly, LW #1, I think it's irresponsible for anyone to have more children than they can financially care for. I'm going to side with your husband on this one, that having more kids is a bad idea. But I can understand your religious convictions as well. Donation to an infertile couple seems like your only solution.

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