George W. Bush to Finally Be a Grandpa

This morning on the Today show, correspondent and presidential scion Jenna Bush Hager announced that she was with child, meaning George and Laura Bush, former President and First Lady of this tattered old United States, will be grandparents for the first time. That's a big deal! For the family, of course, but also our nation. I mean, just imagine it! In twenty-some-odd years, this little baby, all grown up, will meet the adult version of Royal Baby and spill chili on him or her in some sort of hilarious pratfall, or say, "Dare me to eat this?" — and then chuckle and say, "Naw I'm just messin' with ya." It's going to be so special. Royal Baby all pinched and uptight, clearly unnerved, while Dubya's grandkid starts referring to the waiters as "Sparky," as in "Hey, Sparky, more dinner rolls, toot suite. Love these freakin' things." Royal Baby responding with a skeptical, "Quite..." while Dubya's grandkid leans back in its chair and, picking its teeth, says, "Say somethin' to me in fancy talk. I love the way you limeys jabber, all fancy-like." Royal Baby stiffens and says, "I'm sure..." and Dubay's grandkids claps its hands and says, "Woohooo! That's the stuff. Man, I love that classy talk. Hey, you ever seen an appendectomy scar? I can show ya one..." And it goes on like that for a while until, of course, the two are married. Can't wait. Neither can W., it seems. On the Today show they called up George and Laura, and George said he was "Fired up!" So let's do this thing. Let's go on and god dang do it. [Reliable Source]

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Here is a strange report from a strange land: It seems that a member of Sarah Jessica Parker's entourage was stopped and fined in Norway recently after being caught with a stolen pair of sunglasses. Yes, SJP was in Oslo for some sort of Nobel event (with Gerard Butler? This is all very strange), and on the way home, police and security personnel at Oslo International Reindeerport stopped a member of Parker's posse and asked her to show them the contents of her bag, and when she did there were hot sunglasses in there. So she was fined £900, which is roughly 22,000,000 American dollars, and then sent on her way. Yeah, no jail or anything, just a hefty fine and probably a stern shake of the head. And of course she's never allowed back in Norway, lest she be handed over to tiny old Fjosnissen, the Norwegian barn Santa, who will feed her to his animals and grind her bones over his porridge. So, yeah, that's what's going on in Norway these days. Sounds exciting! [VG Nett]

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Oh, dear. Poor Miley Cyrus has lost her pet dog. Yeah, no joke here, just sort of a sad thing. Her little 2-year-old dog Lila has died, and Miley is very sad. Understandably! My first dog died when I was 22 and it was very hard. So, no begrudging her her sadness. Well, maybe a little begrudging. She tweeted: "Broken. Gonna go MIA for a bit. Need some healing time. Thank you to everyone who has sent love my way. I need it." Which, OK, I get being sad, completely, but "Broken" and going "MIA for a bit" for "healing time"? That all sounds awfully dramatic. I mean, I know, she's 20 years old, so whaddaya want, but maybe that's my point. How dramatic 20-year-olds get to be now that they've got Twitter and Facebook and all the like to express every thought and feeling as if it is the definitive thought or feeling of the day. It's just funny, is all. A little new human thing. Well, new sort of. The medium is new. Anyway, it's sad for someone to lose a pet they love, so let's let her grieve in peace. (Just FYI, "MIA" time lasted 11 hours.) [Us Weekly]

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Has Jessica Chastain found love? There's a rumor afloat that she and her Zero Dark Thirty castmate Edgar Ramirez "became close during filming" and that the romance has continued, as they were spotted at a premiere event with their arms around each other. But their mutual representation says they're just buds. Which, y'know, we believe. Chastain doesn't seem like the type to derail herself with a romance right now. That lady is programmed to one mission, and that is to be a big actor. I do not think she will deviate from that mission for some foolish, frivolous romance. No, sir. When asked directly about the relationship, Chastain cocked her head oddly and said, "It does not need love. It needs roles. Do you have a role? Give it your role." She then advanced on reporters, sending them scattering, Chastain gliding off eerily into the night. [Page Six]

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A British comedian named Russell Howard has said that another British comedian, Nick Grimshaw, pals around a lot with shaggy One Direction tween-bait Harry Styles and that that is strange. Y'see, because Grimshaw is 28 and Styles is a mere 18. So what are these two blokes doing palling around with one another, going to clubs and the like? That's all Howard wants to know. He said of the relationship, "How have they become best buddies? I'd rather hang out with my mates and do gigs." Hmm. Do I detect a hint of jealousy there, perhaps? Maybe. Or maybe Howard likes to 'ship Harry with someone else? It's hard to say why he's calling the relationship "odd," though, OK, yeah, an 18-year-old and a 28-year-old regularly hanging out is a bit strange. We'd certainly hope the skepticism has nothing to do with Grimshaw being gay, because that would certainly be a little... something. And, hey, good for an 18-year-old lad from Cheshire having no problem being friends with a gay. It's all very progressive! Anyway, gonna go stare out this window right now and wonder why I'm talking about any of this at all. [Daily Mail]

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Celebrated blonde idea Gwyneth Paltrow says in a new interview that the work-out regimen she started after the birth of her son Moses was great for her life, sex life included. She started seeing celeb trainer Tracy Anderson in 2006, and has never been happier, saying, "When you feel your best, you're more confident in bed, It's not lights-out, under-the-covers sex. It's more like, 'Take a look at this!'" So that's great. Good for her. We're all very proud of her, that she, Gwyneth Paltrow, could finally feel confident about having sex with Chris Martin. But, y'know, it wasn't always all sunshine and roses for Gwyneth. No sir. When she first went to Anderson, things were bad: "I couldn’t shift the weight. But I met Tracy and she was this force from the second I met her. She pulled my pants off. I’ll never forget it. She was like, 'Oh, my God, wow, I just am so surprised, because you look so good in clothes. I wasn’t expecting this.'" Which, haha, yikes. Gwyneth. Gwyneth. We can all see you sneaking the compliment in there. I mean, it's right there. Stop pretending. We all already know quite well that you are a willowy column of lavender water vapor, so you don't need to remind us, baby weight or no baby weight. "Because you look so great in clothes." Aha. Perfect. Thanks. Coin that phrase. GOOP it. Make it happen. Oh Gwyneth. [Daily Mail]