How to Handle Living with the 'Rents
Dear Millenials,
Don't feel bad if you're living at your parents' house. Turns out, you're normal.
Some 21.6 million millenials - or 36 percent of Americans ages 18 to 31 - lived at their parents' residence in 2012, according to an analysis of census data released this month by the Pew Research Center. That's the highest rate in 40 years and "represents a slow but steady increase" in recent years, Pew reports. In 2007, before the Great Recession, this figure stood at 32 percent; in 2009, with the recovery underway, it had risen to 34 percent.
The new socioeconomic landscape owes to fewer jobs, declining marriage rates and increased college enrollment, Pew states, noting that the data includes college students living in dorms during the school year.
As Americans transition with this transition, new viewpoints are emerging about young adulthood. "There used to be this huge stigma about returning home, and people - friends, neighbors, relatives - would say, 'What's wrong with this child?' or 'What did these parents do wrong?'" says social psychologist Susan Newman, author of "Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily." "That's really changed. The stigma has disappeared." .
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As a senior economist at Pew Research Center, Richard Fry, who authored the study, framed his report in financial terms - "an indicator that economic conditions remain sufficiently weak among the nation's young adults, that they don't have the economic self-sufficiency to move out on their own." From a psychological perspective, however, it may not be a problem. Fry references a 2012 Pew report, entitled "The Boomerang Generation," which found 78 percent of 25 to 34 year olds who live at their parents' homes felt satisfied with the arrangement.
In some cases, the return home can help serve a young adult psychologically and financially.
"I don't think there's a cause for great hand-wringing," says Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco-based psychologist and co-chair of the Council on Contemporary Families at the University of Miami. The situation only becomes problematic, he says, if it stunts growth or breeds resentment, harming the relationship between parent and child.
Attitudes on the subject vary by age, gender, region and whether someone is or isn't a parent, according to a survey of more than 2,000 Americans released last week by Coldwell Banker Real Estate and New York City-based psychotherapist Robi Ludwig. More lenience comes from younger parents (between ages 18 to 34), who approve of adult children living at their parents' home for up to six years, while older parents (ages 55 and older) cap adult children's stay at four years after graduating college.
In any intergenerational living situation, of course, the particular roles and issues depend on the individuals involved. But ultimately, the goal should be the same, experts say: to coax the adult child toward independence and free up the parents for their next stage in life.
"The best possible situation is one in which the parents and the adult children can continue to grow, develop and thrive," Ludwig wrote in an e-mail. "For this to happen, parents and young adults should work to establish and enforce expectations ... At the end of the day, the economy may be a reason to move home temporarily, but we can't let the economy get in the way of living an adult life. The things we do, and the lessons we learn in our 20s influence the opportunities we have both professionally and personally, so we don't want to waste them."
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When children do move back in, experts advise that both parties agree to certain ground rules. And that's not easy for a recent college grad, who may have let tidiness slip behind making grades and attending parties and isn't used to reporting on her whereabouts. But if parents want a heads-up to know when their child will be home or decide against romantic sleepovers, that's their prerogative.
Plan, too, for personal goals and roles like duration of stay and the extent to which the child will contribute, such as helping with chores or the mortgage. "The more that both parent and adult child can do these things, have these conversations ahead of time and have some basic agreements and ground rules, in all likelihood, the better it's going to go," Coleman says.
Meanwhile, savor the perks. "Family is your lifeline ... It's the safe place, plus you have all the benefits of a washing machine you don't have to pour quarters into," Newman says.
But be careful to avoid becoming too comfortable or, worse, regressing. Newman suggests young adults assert themselves if they feel their parents are interfering by saying something like: "When you talk to me about my hair, my clothes, my dating habits, my job hunt, it makes me feel as if I'm 10 years old again." Parents should, ideally, get the hint, she says. But it's likely to take some time to readjust.
"There are going to be bumps along the way as you get used to living with each other again because this adult child is not the same person who left four years ago or six years ago, and you want to view it as an opportunity to strengthen your bond," Newman says. "You're building a lifelong relationship, and it's a real opportunity to know each other as people rather than as parents and child."
