January Jones Is Having Hair Troubles

The Atlantic

Today in celebrity gossip news: January Jones' hair is falling out, Chris Brown has his own version of events, and John Mayer is romantically linked to someone new, maybe. 

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Oh dear. January Jones, star of Mad Men and thespian of X-Men: First Class and Unknown, among other thrilling fare, says that her hair is falling out. And not just falling out, but falling out "in clumps." Yes, it seems that she's dyed it and otherwise played with it so much recently that it is now rejecting her scalp and fleeing the premises. "I’m going to have to shave it off and wear a wig," she joked, but also let's hope she's not really joking. Let's really hope that she decides to start all over again, shave her head and wear a wig, like a common Roald Dahl witch. Wouldn't it be fun to see January Jones in a series of strange wigs? Or not even strange wigs, just regular wigs. Basically it'd be fun to see January Jones in any kind of wig for a while. "Oh there's January Jones, in her known wig," people would say. Because everyone would know it was a wig, 'cause she said it was. "Her hair was falling out," one person would say. "In clumps!" another would chime in. And then we'd all nod at her wig. Oh, please let that happen, dear lord. By which I mean Chris Brown, to whom I pray because he is basically a synonym for Jesus. Please let January Jones decide that wearing a wig is the way. It must and should happen. [People]

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You all have been so quick to judge singer Chris Brown about his latest maybe-altercation with singer Frank Ocean. It's as if you have some sort of past knowledge with which to frame this current incident. But oh well, the truth is that Chris Brown is blameless in this matter. Brown, in fact, wants to talk to the police, because he believes there is video of the fight — had with Ocean and his crew in the parking lot and lobby of a recording studio — that will clear his name. Apparently the video shows him not throwing a single punch. Same for Ocean. It's their crews that really mixed it up, though who threw the first punch is still a matter up for debate. But the point is, Chris Brown did nothing wrong. And you should believe him when he says that, because, again, innocent as he is, there really is no reason to ever suspect that Chris Brown might act violently. Chris Brown feels so passionate about his innocence that he posted a drawing on Instagram of Jesus on the cross and wrote, "Painting the way I feel today." So, hm. Was he saying that the painting was how he felt, of that he was actually doing some painting, to get out his feelings? Let's really hope it was the latter, huh? It'd be nice to think he was expressing himself through painting. But whatever the case may be, the point is simple: Though Ocean is pressing charges, Chris Brown had nothing to do with this. And he wants to talk to police so he can prove that to be the case and he can stop being crucified. Because if there's one thing that's exactly like what Jesus went through, it's being accused of participating in a brawl outside a recording studio. Too bad, in Jesus's case, that there weren't surveillance cameras. [TMZ; Us Weekly]

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Would you like to know a thing? You probably want to know this thing. Robert De Niro? Actor, producer, wearer of slippers? He wears his socks while... in the moment, if you catch my meaning. He wears socks while in bed with ladies, is the point. Some woman named Carole Mallory has written a memoir about sleeping with celebrities, in which she says of De Niro, "He had a butterfly tattoo that I later realized matched his flighty spirit. So did the fact he left his socks on." So! Now you know that. And you can always picture it when you see Robert De Niro shuffling around somewhere in his housepants. Those socks? They do not come off, not for nothin'. Aren't you glad you know that? Don't you feel grateful that I have told you this today, and that Carole Mallory told Page Six, who told me, so we might all know? Meet the Fockers? More like meet the SOCKers. Sock Fock, a new movie starring Robert De Niro. Man oh man. Why did this old lady write this book again? [Page Six]

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Jamie-Lynn Sigler, aka Meadow from The Sopranos, is engaged, you guys. She really wants people to know, given how a selfie of her engagement ring has been sent to every gossip sheet in the land this morning, so I am just telling you. She really wants you to know that she is engaged. Her fiance is a baseball player named Cutter Dykstra. So... that's... Well, whatever. Point is, she's engaged. It's all over online, so I thought you should know. I hope you're glad. I've no idea who wears socks and when in this relationship, but it's a relationship, confirmed by a ring. And soon a wedding. "She said yes!" Cutter Dykstra allegedly tweeted. So everyone's in on this. Everyone's making it public. Just thought you should know. [People]

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Oh dear lord, OK, so. The headline reads "Cocky Justin Bieber shows off his abs in Miami." Though, how "cocky" is it and how much is he even really showing off if he was photographed with a telephoto lens from hundreds of feet away while at a private residence? "Following his slightly arrogant display," reads the beginning of one paragraph. Which, come on, no fair. You don't get to call someone arrogant for walking around how they want to walk around while at home (or whatever this Miami place is). That's really not fair. "Showy Display As Gossip Writer Gets Out of Shower." See? It's just not OK. Granted, at one point in these horrifying photos, Bieber does seem to deliberately lift his shirt and display himself to the camera person, but that seems rather provoked. Mostly, though, he's just walking around near a pool with his shirt off, which is not so much cocky as much as it's just normal for a kid to do. On the front page he's described as "Overconfident Justin Bieber." Which, jesus, now you guys are really being jerks. Not only is he being arrogant for daring to not wear his shirt while we hide behind bushes and take photos of it, he's overconfident, because he so doesn't look as good as he clearly thinks he does. Like, adults wrote this. And put it together. And edited it. And published it online. Adults. Actual humanoid adults. Slow news life, I guess. [Daily Mail]

Oh dear god. John Mayer, dater of women, is apparently now dating Allison Williams, the Girls star who also happens to be the precious daughter-property of newsman Brian Williams. Though Mayer is thought to still be dating one Katy Perry, song monster from another galaxy, he and Williams were seen entering a party together recently. He had his arm around her waist. Williams was thought to be dating Mayer's cool internet pal Ricky Van Veen, the dude who invented CollegeHumor, but maybe not? Or maybe Mayer and Williams are just intimate friends? Who knows. The point is, you know you've sorta kinda made it when people are saying that you're dating John Mayer. You may not be, the very thought of it, as a human being who respects senses like smell and touch, might repulse you, but the rumor still means you made it. Congratulations, Allison. And a fine gurgle of Listerine to you, John Mayer. [New York Daily News]

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