Jennifer Aniston's Wedding Is Doomed

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Jennifer Aniston's Wedding Is Doomed
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Jennifer Aniston's Wedding Is Doomed

Well, here we go. This is how it starts. Or how it ends. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux's wedding plans are apparently on hold. So this is it. Here it is. Poor old Jennifer Aniston, the lonely old maid of the Southland, is about to lose love once again. Who knows what's happened. Perhaps she showed him too many of her mysterious curio rooms, full of jars of hair labeled "Vince" and "John" and "Brad." Maybe he was actually awake, only pretending to be asleep, all the times she whispered "Never leave me" into his ear at night before pouring in a strange potion that felt both cold and warm. Maybe he heard her rattling around in the basement, the sound of things clanking and crashing, she speaking in a strange, squakwing voice he'd never heard before, saying "Angelina, Annnnngeliiiiiina, ANGELINAAAAAA" over and over and over again. Who knows what she could have done, what strange spinster horrors she might have subjected him to, but the point is that the wedding is on hold. And of course it will soon prove to be a silly dream that will never happen. This is the beginning of the end. Because that old witch said "never" when she gave Jennifer Aniston the role on Friends, and as the ancients tell us, never is a promise. Those were the terms of the spell. A lifetime of fame and stardom in exchange for all the love that might come her way. At the time Jennifer thought it would be fine, but now, oh cruel, cruel now, now she knows it was a huge mistake. The wedding is postponed. Because of course it would always be postponed. Because— Hm? What's that? They're busy with home renovations and both just took new jobs so they're putting the plans on hold for a sec because they're both grownups who don't need to get married right now? Oh, OK, I see. Never mind. Sorry, guys! False alarm. [People]

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Gwyneth Paltrow, the remainder in a swan's division problem, has called for omerta among her friends and family when it comes to talking to Vanity Fair. The magazine is doing an article about her, but she does not want people talking to them because she did not like recent pieces they did on Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. Though she refuses to participate, the magazine is proceeding with the story, so Gwyn's been asking folks to kindly stay silent. Specifically, she's been walking up to them and saying "Hiiiiiiii. Can you shut your big fat stupid ugly f--king mouth for two goddamned seconds and not talk to that magazine please? Thanksssss." And that's to Blythe Danner! It's gotten worse from there. She sent the severed head of Cameron Diaz's cat to her house in a silver box with a note saying "You're next if you squeal. Besos, G." She sent Chelsea Handler a copy of her real birth certificate which shows that Handler was born in 1964, the words "I KNOW" scrawled on it in what Handler really hopes isn't blood. She sent Mario Batali a photo of herself outside the Crocs factory holding some TNT with a note that read "I'll do it, Batali. I'll f--king do it. You f--k me, I f--k you right back." This is serious business, guys. Do not talk to Vanity Fair about Gwyneth Paltrow or she will ruin your life as you know it. Because Gwyneth Paltrow does not want anything unflattering written about her. Except the unflattering stuff she participates in. That's fine. [Page Six]

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OooOoOoooO. Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus flirting?? TMZ's saying it happened, showing us snaps from a recent hang at Miley's beloved Beacher's Madhouse. Apparently they were only there for fifteen minutes or so before leaving and going... somewhere. No one knows where, but Bieber was at Miley's house earlier in the day. So what's going on?? You know what, I don't know, and speculation is useless, but there are a couple things about this item that are concrete facts worth talking about. One, look at the second photo on the post. Particularly, look at everyone else's face, meaning the faces of those who aren't Miley and Justin. There are only a few, but they all tell a different, thrilling story. The two men on the left are probably security, but there's a chance that the guy on the way left is some sad finance guy, like a Real Housewife's husband type, who's trying to play it cool in the face of all this YA celebrity glaring like a quasar in the middle of the room. Then there's the guy on the right, who is just so faded dude but holy sh-t it's Biebs and Miley, oh man maybe his weird dream is gonna come true. And then on the bottom that's.... Who is that, Nikki Finke's niece? What's going on with that hat? Does Miley have female security? Because that lady does not look like she's just hanging out. Unless she's going to be hanging out on a ladies' golf course after this. So that's fun to look at, all the funny people. The other fun thing is this detail, later in the post: "Bieber's leopard-spotted Audi." Did we all know about this? Because I did not know about this. Leopard-spotted Audi. And then there's an image of it, to prove its terrible existence. What is going on with this kid, honestly? Someone needs to take a giant butterfly net to whatever fool club he's at tonight and capture him and bring him home to Canada. Give him some poutine and a Labatt, make him read an Alice Munro short story, and just calm him the ever loving hell down. Because a leopard print Audi is the kind of thing they will make fun of you for for years. That will follow him around forever. Someone take the kid back to Stratford, put on some Slings & Arrows or something, and reteach him the benefits of a simpler life. Because good grief. Good grief to all of this. [TMZ]

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Here is a funny Daily Mail post that starts by saying oh how crazy that Bella Cruise, Tom Cruise's eldest daughter whom everyone forgets about all the time, took Ryanair while in Europe recently. Because that's such a cheapo airline and Suri Cruise takes fancy first class all the time or something. But then the article goes further into Bella's Instagram, where they found the Ryanair photo, and reveals that she took Ryanair to a fancy Tuscan villa where there is nice food and tennis and a pool. So they're all, "Ooh she's taking a cheap airline" and then she's in Stealing Beauty for the rest of the article. Which is it, Daily Mail? Which is it. Anyway. Rich kids on Instagram. There should be a Tumblr. Oh wait. [Daily Mail]

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Someone — was it a disgruntled director? Rival mega-agency WME? — has put up what's estimated to be $100,000 worth of ads at the Century City Mall making fun of CAA. Yes! Not but steps away from the super agency's headquarters are ads that simply say "CAAN'T." Which... Wait, what? That's the prank? That's the joke? "CAAN'T"? Um. OK. People in showbiz, who aren't comedians (but even some of them), need to learn how to make a joke. Because "CAAN'T" is a hundred thousand dollar waste of everyone's time. I mean, poor James Caan! And, I suppose, Scott Caan. I get that the signs are done in the style of CAA's logo, the red with the white lettering, but come on. CAAN'T. You caan't make a funny joke, Hollywood. For heaven's sake, "CAA sucks" would have been funnier than "AAN'T. "The hell are these?" - James Caan. It's just dumb. Hollywood is dumb. [Page Six]

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