Justin Bieber Groped Beyond Recognition

Today in celebrity gossip: Justin Bieber's newest meltdown, SNL's Chris Kattan was arrested for DUI, and Miley Cyrus finally responded to the naked teen who asked her to prom.

If you are allergic to metaphors, this story is NOT for you: The wax statue of Justin Bieber currently on display at Madame Tussaud's New York is having a meltdown! Not from the heat, of course, because as everybody knows New York is in the middle of some kind of Day After Tomorrow-type cold snap (Sela Ward is no doubt sitting frozen in a hospital waiting room somewhere). No, the statue's disfigurement stems from fans molesting it beyond repair! As Page Six describes it, the only-slightly-less-lifelike Bieber facsimile "has been groped, fondled and grabbed by so many excited fans that exhibit organizers have had to withdraw his dummy from display." Do you see? Do you see what I'm saying about fame? America's answer to Prince William has been thoroughly changed by fame and must now leave the public eye. But if we're being real, there may be an ulterior motive to Tussaud's premature retirement of this particular dummy: The statue no longer bears much resemblance to the current embattled, tatted-up, sizzurp guzzling, graffiti artist roaming the globe surrounded by a cloud of pot smoke like some kind of debauched Pigpen. So, it's time for a revamp! Dropping the metaphor entirely Page Six concludes with the snarky line "the world also awaits to welcome a real-life new 'grown-up' Justin." Haha sure, Page Six. You are truly hating all those sweet Bieber-related clicks. If Page Six were a wax statue I'd rate it a 4 out of 10, would not grope. [Page Six]

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Well, this is terrible. Julia Roberts' estranged half-sister has died of an apparent drug overdose. Nancy Motes, 37, attracted headlines recently when she publicly accused Roberts of fat-shaming her when she was a teenager and well into adulthood: "She would just let me know that I was 'definitely overweight.' ... She would make it quite clear to me — and in a not-so-nice manner." Later, when Motes attempted to pursue an acting career, Roberts allegedly nipped that in the bud. "Julia did not want to see me go down that path, mostly because I was overweight." The Motes narrative included a subsequent gastric-bypass surgery as well as an engagement, but no mending of fences with Roberts. And then on Sunday Motes' fiance found her "lifeless in the bathtub" surrounded by prescription pills "dead of an apparent suicide." There is nothing not-sad about this story, guys, sorry. [Page Six]

Former Saturday Night Live cast member Chris Kattan was arrested for DUI after his Mercedes was spotted "weaving all over the roadway at slow speeds" before plowing into "an area that was coned off for a freeway closure" where it eventually "struck a Dept. of Transportation vehicle from behind." TMZ's source reported that Kattan "appeared out of it," and that he "confessed he was on prescription meds." But! In response to TMZ's account, Kattan took to Twitter to defend himself:

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Kattan went onto explain that he'd just had a long flight and his accident stemmed from being "exhausted." So there you have it. The only influence under which Chris Kattan was driving was the Sandman's. (In most celebrity-related cases the Sandman would refer to a coke dealer, but in this case it just means Kattan was sleepy. Just wanted to clarify.) [TMZ]

Los Angeles local news personality and "mindless talking head" Sam Rubin recently made a terrible (and, uh, racially questionable?) blunder when he complimented Samuel L. Jackson for his Morpheus-drives-a-Kia commercial that aired during the Super Bowl. Which, you know, starred Laurence Fishburne. If you're a fan of schadenfreude this mistake was juicy for two reasons: Sam Rubin is a widely disliked blowhard, and Samuel L. Jackson did not shrug off the slight easily. In fact, seeming more engaged and energized than in many of his most recent roles, Jackson lit into Rubin for such a long and satisfying amount of time, pulling out hilarious one-liners and even cavalierly making fun of the fact that every African-American actor of any note are now hawking products in ads. Anyway, just watch the exchange in the video embedded below, it's pretty great. [Page Six]

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Okay, let's move past tragedy and embarrassment and get fully into celebrity romance mode. You probably know who Liam Hemsworth is, right? He's the brother of Thor. He's the ex-fiancé of Miley. He's the stack of Australian riverstones who is not Josh Hutcherson in The Hunger Games franchise. Of course you know who Liam Hemsworth is. There's probably a greater chance you don't know who Nina Dobrev is, however, which is a real shame. Nina Dobrev is the star of the CW's #1 most-watched show The Vampire Diaries for five seasons running (just FYI, on The CW even #1 shows wallow in obscurity), and I can tell you in all sincerity she's currently the Meryl Streep of that network. Dobrev's played no fewer than three characters this season and in addition to her work in The Perks of Being a Wallflower is clearly heading for a bright career post-CW. Anyway, the gossip: Liam Hemsworth and Nina Dobrev were recently spotted hanging out in Atlanta! That's where TVD films, so that explains her presence, but it's unclear what exactly brought Hemsworth to Atlanta other than perhaps some one-on-one time with a pretty lady? Well, if there IS a red hot romance brewing between them, it apparently didn't appear that way to witnesses: "It didn't seem like a date... There was no PDA going on." Because dates MUST include PDA, everybody knows this. For TVD fans this rumor will have added significance/poignancy as Dobrev only recently broke up with her longtime boyfriend and TVD co-star Ian Somerhalder (the Jessica Lange of The CW). Anyway, this is all to remind you on this fraught, harrowing Valentine's Day week, that sometimes love is attainable when you are an unreasonably attractive young actor. Have hope! [E! Online]

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You may have heard of the charming (so long as the genders aren't reversed) story of Matt Peterson, the 17-year-old high school student who asked Miley Cyrus to prom via a viral video in which he made his case to the pop singer with little to hide his junk other than a foam finger and a hopeful spirit. Never one to shy away from a little bit of left-field publicity, Cyrus finally responded with the kind of good-natured let-down we all expected:

Apparently Cyrus had a legit scheduling conflict as her BANGERZ tour would be in full swing around the time of Peterson's prom. For the record Peterson seemed to understand, though, and replied with a very measured and subdued response:

But if the photos Miley Cyrus has been 'gramming of her BANGERZ rehearsals are any indication, Matt Peterson won't be the only person subjected to high-anxiety sexual confusion this upcoming prom season! Please enjoy this photo of Miley Cyrus waggling a wedgie over her little person backup twerker:

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This article was originally published at http://www.thewire.com/entertainment/2014/02/justin-bieber-groped-beyond-recognition/357939/