The Kardashians Can't Catch a Break
Today in celebrity gossip: Khloé and Kourtney dealing with haters right and left, Macklemore wears lame and possibly racist costumes, and Ryan Reynolds got booed in Cannes.
After dwelling on the ocean floor for millions of years while feeding on radiation from the earth's core, the Kardashian sisters have suddenly awakened and trundled onto the Hamptons' shores looking for a FIGHT. Despite early reports that their new E! reality series Kourtney & Khloé Take the Hamptons (starring Kourtney & Khloé) had run up against opposition from the local homeowners and even mayor, it would appear that production has secured not only a nearby mansion but a storefront on the Hamptons' aggressively quaint shopping row 64 Jobs Lane. So yeah, the series is happening whether the residents like it or not. So instead, these very unchill rich beach jerks have begun sniffing out which Benedict Arnold among them had leased the Kardashians these properties and that culprit has been named: Restaurateur Irma Herzog. You simply must hear what Page Six's anonymous source had to say about her:
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Southamptonites are abuzz that Irma Herzog has betrayed their village … Will Irma also be bringing back another bout of hepatitis? [Last year a worker was diagnosed with hep A, but inspectors later gave the restaurant a clean bill of health.] Now she brings trash to her backyard. People are lining up to buy Irma’s property and get her out of town. She is a piranha.
Dang, Irma's got HATERS. But it's safe to say this source is a real jerk and I'm suddenly rooting for the Kardashians to leave this town in smoldering ruins come September? Anyway, don't worry, Kardashian drama isn't limited to prohibitively expensive beach enclaves. According to TMZ, just last month Khloé and Kourtney were "attacked" by a street clown who threw confetti all over them as they moseyed up Melrose Avenue. Apparently the ladies did NOT find the humor in this clown's aggressive act of mirth and attempted to get police to place the clown under arrest. As of press time, the clown has not been arrested. Can't win them all. [Page Six, TMZ]
Macklemore, the rapper who sprung from Diplo's back after somebody got him wet, has sparked much outrage after wearing a costume onstage that many felt resembled a caricature of a Jewish man. See, a couple days ago he and his life partner Ryan Lewis played a secret gig at Seattle’s EMP Museum, and that secrecy, I guess, was the reason for his disguise which included an oversized rubber nose, a beard, and a Moe Howard wig. Macklemore, of course, denies that he had dressed up as a caricature of a Jewish man, and that denial is plausible in that it would be straight-up insane for a top-of-his-game rapper to intentionally dress up as a caricature of a Jewish man for kicks. It just sort of seemed like he wanted to look the opposite of how he normally looks? The weird thing about stereotypes is that when a person claims to have spotted one, maybe that person had a lot of terrible stereotypes on the brain already? Like maybe this was a Rorshach Test that racists are failing right and left? On the other hand Macklemore sure looked a lot like Gargamel from The Smurfs, and we all know what that was about. Anyway, the bigger outrage was not that Macklemore wore a costume that vaguely resembled an archaic caricature of a Jewish man, it's that it was such a lame idea to begin with? Not funny or interesting or cool in the least. What on earth? Just stick to vests with epaulets or whatever, M. [Page Six]
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Probably the worst part of any job is the annual employee evaluation, but imagine if that evaluation happened every few months and in front of everybody and once a year it even happened in front of a large auditorium of French snobs? See, being a movie star has its fair share of nightmarish elements. So many extreme judgements all the time. That last scenario was basically what velveteen cobblestone hunk Ryan Reynolds dealt with when his newest film The Captive elicited boos from the Cannes crowd a few nights ago. Noting that Variety described the Atom Egoyan thriller as "a ludicrous abduction thriller that finds a once-great filmmaker slipping into previously unentered realms of self-parody," Us Weekly went on to report that Reynolds and his wife Blake Lively took the reaction so hard they skipped the after party in favor of "a low-key late-night snack." Personally, that is whatever *I* do whenever I get booed at Cannes, so Ryan Reynolds and I have a lot in common, just FYI. But don't worry for Ryan Reynolds too much, he still has a cool and chill wife to cheer him up: "At one point, Ryan smiled … and leaned into her for a kiss on the lips." Nothin' like a little post-low-key late-night snack sugar. (Kissing.) [Us Weekly]
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IMPORTANT UPDATE: Yesterday we discussed the rumor that the newly sizzurp-sober Justin Bieber had left Busta Rhymes' birthday with Paris Hilton and that Bieber and Hilton probably spent a long night generating the kind of heat rarely seen outside a propane tank explosion. But TMZ begged to differ with their thoughtfully titled journalistic exploration, "Justin Bieber & Paris Hilton WE'RE NOT BANGING." See, yes the pair did leave the Cannes soiree together, but they did so with about 48 other people as well. Plus they never had one on one time, and get this, Paris Hilton ended up leaving early because she "couldn't stand the fact that Justin was playing his own songs ... so she left after half an hour." In my opinion that does not sound like a romantic connection, but what do you think? Maybe it was all a ruse and they met up in secret behind a French Burger King? Just try and prevent your imagination from running wild. [TMZ]
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Has anybody ever thought to write a joke about Jake Gyllenhaal's facial hair that is a double-entendre for a woman who publicly dates a gay man? Get it, "beard" means both things. That is a connection I just thought of that might make for a fresh 'n funny crack-'em-up next time someone wants to make fun of Jake Gyllenhaal's sexuality. I'll leave this to the joke writers to tackle, though, and instead let me direct you to the news that Jake Gyllenhaal has shaved off his long, luscious hobo beard. For what felt like a geologic era he'd been walking around looking like some kind of trainyard folk, but those days are over. Whatever role he'd grown that thing out for (like maybe it was the one where he was running around naked and yelling at everybody on the side of a mountain?) must have wrapped, or maybe that movie has a face-shaving scene at the end, who knows. Point is, Jake Gyllenhaal is once again beardless. [Us Weekly]
For someone who appears to be caught in the throes of a very chill yoga session, Lady Gaga sure did caption this Instagram photo "Talk sh*t on me again ill sandwich your fuggin face." Namaste!
Here's Miley Cyrus taking one of her trademark mid-performance Instagram selfie videos, but this time she's singing The Smiths! Whether you are impressed or enraged by this song choice is strictly your decision and your decision alone:
This article was originally published at http://www.thewire.com/entertainment/2014/05/the-kardashians-cant-catch-a-break/371219/
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