Kate Middleton to Greet the World Once Again

The Atlantic

Today in celebrity gossip: Kate Middleton will soon make her second post-pregnancy official appearance, there's a young celebrity bible study group happening in Hollywood, and Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts are not fighting.

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Duchess Kate, future Queen of all Englishland and the peoples toiling in its cruel rocky fields, will soon be making her second official appearance since announcing her pregnancy in December of last year. You'll remember that Kate had some early difficulties with her pregnancy, suffering from a syndrome colloquially described as severe morning sickness, that kept her in hospital, but now she seems better and is ready for the world. On Tuesday, February 19, Kate will visit a women's drug rehab facility called Action on Addiction, where presumably she will lecture people on the dangers of opium and "the Oriental menace," thus sparking another Boxer Rebellion and throwing the nation into another dark hundred years of imperialist war. Or, y'know, she'll say some kind and encouraging things to people and talk to the staff and take a few photos and that will be that. Either or. The Duchess was most recently seen, in non-official capacity, taking her dog for a walk and going to Starbucks and shopping for clothes at a department store. Awfully normal things for the future Sea Queen of the Northern Atlantic to be doing. Of course when the baby is born, sometime in July, there will be a year of celebrations, as it is carted around to all the British territories and the local heads of state are made to kneel to the infant in fealty, but for now it's coffee, clothes, and rehab facilities. The easy life for a future ruler. [Us Weekly]

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Hollywood is mostly a godless place, but there are at least a few good noble Christians carrying the torch high through all that sordid heathenry. Well, they're not carrying it that high. It seems there's a kind of down-low Hollywood bible study class going on these days, mostly for young celebrities, held quietly at a hotel once a month. Members include Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and this piece of bologna from 90210. The meetings are apparently organized by E! News correspondent Jason Kennedy. Justin Bieber and his mom went once. It seems the kids just meet and talk and have coffee and whatever else you do at a bible study, same as any other young person's bible study group. This one is only strange because it's in Tinseltown and is full of celebrities. Beyond that, it's just normal stuff. Though, do we not find something a little unsettling about a guy who works for E! gathering a bunch of young, impressionable celebrities together and getting them to talk about personal things? Like, that could easily just be some weird excuse to get scoops or, y'know, some kind of sinister cult. Maybe it's perfectly innocent and righteous and godly! But maybe also it's an E! News blood cult formed by Steve Kmetko years ago and passed down through the generations to Jason Kennedy. All things are possible. It is L.A., after all. (But is it possible that Steve Kmetko works part-time at an Apple Store in Skokie, as his Wikipedia page suggests? Are all things possible in Skokie too?) [Us Weekly (don't watch the dumb video)]

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Folks at a pre-Super Bowl party at Channing Tatum's New Orleans bar Saints & Sinners got worried on Saturday night when Tatum was seen physically struggling with UFC fighter Cung Lee. People thought they were in a fight, but then eventually realized that it was just genial roughhousing. A source told Page Six: "At the end of their match, the two gave each other a big bear hug, and everyone realized they are friends." Aw. "And everyone realized they are friends." And then the music struck up again and everyone danced a merry jig, sloshing their mead around, singing "High holly hos!" and laughing gaily in the thick, waxy candle light. Twas a bonny night at Channing Tatum's public house for all. [Page Six]

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You guys, Baby Spice's dog is missing. Emma Bunton was walking her dog Phoebe, a lab, in London and it got away from her or something. So if you live near "East Barnet, Hadley Wood, Trent Park" and you see her dog, let her know. That's all. [People]

RELATED: Cue the Pregnancy Rumors: Kate Middleton Toasted with Water

The former CEO of the Ed Hardy T-shirt corporation, Hubert Guez, is being sued by a masseuse who says that Guez made unwanted, aggressive sexual advances toward her when she was at his house giving him a massage. According to the lawsuit, Guez grabbed her and suggested that the masseuse "perform sex acts with his wife while he watched." Which, y'know, I hate to profile a type, but if anyone was going to do this, it was going to be the ex-CEO of Ed Hardy, right? I mean, those T-shirts are in and of themselves unwanted advances of some kind. Unwanted social advances? Unwanted club-thumping advances? They're unwanted, that's for sure. Anyway, this is a gross story and I hope the masseuse gets a billion dollars and buys a private island. She's earned it. [TMZ]

Are Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman, known besties, currently in a spat? No, probably not, but people are trying to make it seem like they are because Kidman couldn't record a thing for Watts's upcoming appearance on 60 Minutes. Kidman's people say she was too busy, which um of course she was too busy she makes 142 movies a year, but other people are whispering that she's upset about not getting an Oscar nomination this year while Watts did. Which is absurd. Nicole Kidman already has her Oscar and plenty of other nominations. Sometimes women are just busy, guys. It doesn't always have to be some screeching cat fight. I mean, come on. These girls are tight. [New York Daily News]

The sad misadventures of Calvin Klein's ex-boyfriend Nick Gruber, a former porn actor, continue. Now he's trying to get a restraining order from his former roommate, a Mob Wives: Chicago star named Nora Schweihs, who is represented by Gruber's entertainment manager and who, Gruber says, threatened to have the mob kill him, stole his $10,000 Rolex watch, and then said she was going to kill him herself, with a screwdriver. So that's going well. Nothing to see there. Just a regular old roommate spat. Meanwhile, who is this "entertainment manager"? Is it just an old mop in a dark room, and when Gruber and this crazy lady go to meetings they just sit in the dark and talk to the mop? Because I cannot imagine an actual human being managing anything having to do with these people's lives. [TMZ]

Speaking of sad misadventures, that poor alcoholic from New Jersey was back at it again. Ugh. That poor woman. Why did we make her famous again? Because of her tan? Woof. We are really the worst. [Page Six]

Aw. Though he hates the Oscars with a fiery passion, or so he says, Joaquin Phoenix showed up to the annual Oscar nominees luncheon yesterday, even posing for the big group photo, standing next to Sally Field. Good for him. Nice of him to show a little graciousness, and to acknowledge that his is a ridiculous and extremely privileged and rarefied profession and that he may as well stop pretending it's anything but that. Just own up to it, Joaquin. You're a goddarned movie star, same as Sally Field. Joaquin Phoenix, you are Sally Field. [Daily Mail]

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