Kate Winslet's Big Rocknroll Wedding

The Atlantic
Kate Winslet's Big Rocknroll Wedding
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Kate Winslet's Big Rocknroll Wedding

Slipping in her entry for Weirdest Celebrity News of 2012 just under the wire, Kate Winslet of all people went and had a secret marriage early this month that only came to light last night. And who did she marry? A man named Ned Rocknroll. Or Rock'nRoll, depending on who you ask. Yup. Kate Winslet has married the old cartoon mascot for the Hard Rock Café. Well, no, such a thing never existed, but that sure is what Ned Rocknroll sounds like. Or maybe an American guest character on a Japanese cartoon. Something like that. He is, in reality, the nephew of Richard Branson, whom Kate knows intimately, after she saved Branson's mother from a fire on his private island last year. Yes. Want more weird? Leonardo DiCaprio gave Kate away at the wedding ceremony, which the bride and groom's parents didn't even know about. So let's recap this: Kate Winslet secretly married a man named Ned Rocknroll, the nephew of a man whose mother Kate saved from a fire on a private island, and she was walked down the aisle by Leonardo DiCaprio. Kate Winslet, lades and gentlemen! Here we were, thinking that she was one of the down-to-earth ones, one of the normal-ish ones. Sure, sure, she was pretty awful during her 2009 awards season run, but mostly she appeared to be free of the trappings of Hollyweird. Turns out? Nope. Not at all. Kate Winslet is as weird as they come. Rescuer of fire-threatened old ladies on magical private islands, wife of a man named Ned Rocknroll, profession unknown. Given away by Leonardo DiCaprio. Who knew? And who knows what will be next for Ms. Weirdo Winslet? Maybe she'll get a reality show. [People]

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Uh oh. There's a rumor afoot that Britney Spears will soon be getting the axe from her big X Factor judging gig after only one season. The low-rated show — like seriously low-rated, not just low-rated for a singing competition show — was supposed to have gotten a boost of energy from the erratic supernova that is Ms. Spears, but it did not. Because, sadly, her erratic supernova days might be over, which is not what the producers, and lead guy Simon Cowell, were hoping for. So, yes, an insider tells Us Weekly that because Britney Spears seems to have gotten her sh-t together, she'll soon be out of a job. Isn't that great? Isn't that a marvelous indictment of how we treat our celebrity humans in Terry Gilliam's America? To be fair to whomever is making this decision, the show did pay her $15 million for her first season of work, and didn't see much return on investment. One of these insiders tells the magazine: "They paid all that for her to say 'amazing' and offer half-claps." Which, ha, is true. Not that we watch The X Factor! Oh mercy, no. But in the clips we've seen, yes, that is true. She doesn't do much. There has been nothing weird or viral or even noisy coming from Britney's time on The X Factor, and that's obviously what the powers that be were hoping for. So, it could soon be "Bye Bye Bye" for the former 'NSync-er. (Britney Spears was the blonde one in 'NSync, right? The one who later turned out to be gay? I'm pretty sure that was her.) Who should replace her? Well, I think the answer to that is clear. Kate Winslet, come on down. And bring Ned Rocknroll with you. [Us Weekly]

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Here is some news about Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise news you can use. The first important bit of Tom Cruise Newz™ is that Tom's clubgoing evening last week? It wasn't just for the lads. No, it seems there was also a young lady, a 26-year-old lady to be exact, with Cruise that night. He was accompanied by one Cynthia Jorge, the young manager of hot/lame Lower East Side restaurant Beauty & Essex. It seems that Cruise had dined there earlier last week, and the enterprising Jorge slipped him her card. Supposedly she was just giving Cruise a tour of New York hotspots, it was not a date, but this kinda sounds like a sexy date out of a Richard Gere movie, so we're going to say it was a date. That's item number one. Item number two is that Cruise spent Christmas with his kids, including Suri. Meaning Katie Holmes spent Christmas childless. Sad for her. Happy for Cruise, though. And potentially really happy for Suri. Some of her rumored gifts? "[A] £6,000 miniature Mercedes Benz, an iPad mini and some new additions to her wardrobe, with a Chloe fur coat and a Ralph Lauren dress." Wowsers. Let's bear in mind that this child is six years old. But the real gift kicker? A "$24,000 Grand Victorian Playhouse complete with running water and electricity, a sun-room, an eat-in-kitchen, a media room and intercoms can connect the playhouse to the main house." I'm not even sure what that means. What makes a playhouse with an intercom system and a media room "Victorian"? And also: What?? Where is this thing? In Los Angeles? So she can just go out in the yard and sit in her huge "playhouse" that, from what it sounds, is bigger than most New York apartments and just be there by herself all day, in her tiny media room, running the tiny faucets, pressing the intercom button just to hear the quiet fuzz of the big house? Man, they are really trying to make this child as weird as they can, aren't they? She'll be Kate Winslet in no time. "Someday you'll marry someone named Teddy Chillwave," Tom murmurs in his daughter's ear. "Someday..." I mean, this is gonna be one kooky teenager, right? Living alone in her playhouse, wrapped in her furs, only occasionally leaving the house to drive off somewhere in her rusty miniature Mercedes Benz. The rest of her story is so strange. We don't know exactly how it goes, but we know it's going to be extremely odd. Merry Christmas, weirdos. I hope Suri got the miniature luxury life of her dreams. And that, somewhere, Cynthia Jorge sat and read a contract delivered to her in the middle of the night by agents of Scientology and considered her future. [Page Six; Daily Mirror]

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Glee creator/ruiner Ryan Murphy is now a dad, he and his husband are happy to report. Murphy and David Miller, a photographer, welcomed baby boy Logan Phineas Miller Murphy through a surrogate on Christmas Eve. Logan Murphy. Sounds like a rich kid! Scourge of Exeter co-eds, that one will be. If he makes it that far, that is. Judging from past performances, Murphy will do really well as a parent for the first year, then totally screw up by the end of year two, sending the child into a spiral of irrelevancy. Aww, just kidding. I'm sure the family will do great. People who are not doing great? Some of the commenters on that article. Woof. It's 2012, folks! Get with the program. [People]

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Remarkably, like regular normal folk, Beyoncé and Jay-Z seem to have spent Christmas at home with their family. Not off in St. Barth's or on Ned Rocknroll's fiery fantasy island. At home, with Bey's mom and sister. And of course the baby. That's it. The couple was seen shopping at Bergdorf Goodman and Mary Arnold Toys on Christmas Eve, and then retreated home. Good for them. Awfully humble. Of course, "home" is an 8,000 square foot mansion in Tribeca, but still. That's all they did. Nothing fancy. Or at least nothing extra fancy. Kate Winslet could take a note from them. [Page Six]

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