Kristen Stewart Plays Coy

The Atlantic

Today in (mostly) non-election celebrity gossip: Kristen Stewart isn't giving any answers about her love life, Katie Holmes had a cast party, and a Bachelorette is dating a new man. 

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World's most important girl Kristen Stewart was on the Today show this morning and when asked about her fabulously fascinating relationship with British sex-vampyr Robert Patinson said the following: "Funny you mention that. I'm going to just let people watch whatever little movie they think our lives are. Keep 'em guessing, I always say." O ho ho! Ms. Stewart if ya nasty. That quote ought to give fuel to those conspiracy crazies who think this whole relationship is a marketing scam, eh? I mean, she just straight-up calls it a movie. I know, I know, she was just being cute, but she still said it. Do we think these two frown monsters are going to break up the minute Twilight 5: Easy Eddie's Final Forks Freakout comes out? Probably yes. Then they will date other actors, or more likely musicians in Kristen's case, and soon enough we'll forget that they were ever together, like Mimi Rogers and Tom Cruise. (Yes, that happened.) It's just how history goes. [Us Weekly]

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Katie Holmes had the first preview of her new Broadway show Dead Accounts on Monday, and what comes after your first show? The cast party, of course! She and her cast and crew went to the Lambs Club in midtown Manhattan on Monday night, laughing it up into the wee hours. So that's fun! A cast party! If personal experience tells me anything, that means that Holmes played a lot of Never Have I Ever, drank too much Carlo Rossi jug wine, and made out with that sophomore boy who her roommate was into but oh well, who really cares, we're young and weird and great and we'll all get over it soon enough. I hope she had a great time and remembers that she still has her Elements of Theatre project due on Monday. [Page Six]

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Bachelorette star Emily Maynard may have just split up with her chosen beau, silly faux skater hipster Jef Holm, but she's already landed in the lap of another fella. She's said to be dating a NASCAR racer named Jason White, a fitting name for a sport involving white people and the occasional Greek-level tragedy. Apparently they "were all over each other" while on a recent group date to a Carrie Underwood concert (hahahahaha). Says a witness, "Jason guided her through the crowd and held her hand as they walked downstairs." Wait, that sounds polite and cute, not "all over each other." Not that there's anything impolite or un-cute about "all over each other," it's just that holding hands while walking through a crowd isn't exactly doing over the underpants stuff by the men's room door. Y'know? Those are two very different things and I wish this witness had recognized that difference. I want real descriptive accuracy in my Emily Maynard dating gossip, and I don't think that's too much to ask. [Us Weekly]

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Well this is nice. Darling little English tea cake Emma Watson, she of the Harry Potter films and the brief and noble if misguided stint at Brown, was seen offering hurricane relief in New York. She was delivering meals with Citymeals-on-Wheels, which is very good of her. She's in town filming Darren Aronofsky's Noah, which, as much as I hear about Russell Crowe being in town and getting rescued by the Coast Guard in his kayak in the New York Harbor (that did actually happen), it's still surprising every time I read that a movie about Noah's Ark is filming in New York City. Doesn't seem like the right place to film such a movie, does it? But, oh well. City of dreams, this. Even old biblical myth dreams. [Page Six]

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Here are all the details about the shimmering purple dress that Michelle Obama wore last night. Was it purple? What is that color? If someone says "aubergine" I'm gonna clobber them. But they might be right. Anyway, the dress was Michael Kors, and as is true of most Kors designs, the crotch was not insane. So, there you have it. She looks great. Meanwhile Ann Romney may as well have been wearing an old potato sack that was slightly on fire in one corner for all anyone's ever going to care ever again. Haha. Oh well, Ann. Sorry. [People]

Justin Bieber. What his secret? That's what a Daily Mail article asks about the teen singer today. What his secret? What, really, his secret?? They're asking what his secret about his apparently newly jacked bod, which oops, now that I've just typed that phrase about Justin Bieber the police are here and I'm going to jail. Sigh. But no, it seems that Justin Bieber has a new ripped physique but he's hiding it under baggy clothing, so the Daily Mail wants to know: What his secret? What his secret? Why will no one tell anyone else what Justin Bieber secret?? I thought Obama's reelection would solve this mess. But no. We still don't know what his secret. [Daily Mail]

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