Lindsay Lohan to Suffer Gruesome Death

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Lindsay Lohan to Suffer Gruesome Death
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Lindsay Lohan to Suffer Gruesome Death

Don't worry, LiLo is only going to die horribly in a movie. Just a silly movie. Elsewhere in the world of showbiz today, TNT said goodbye to one of its biggest hits last night, Seth Green is going up against Skynet, and Dermot Mulroney joins an all-star cast.

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You know how Lindsay Lohan is going to be in the upcoming Scary Movie 5? Yeah, well, she is, but she's not going to be in it for long. It seems that the characters she and fellow drugs monster Charlie Sheen are playing are those celebrities-killed-off-in-the-very-beginning characters. You know, like Drew Barrymore in Scream or Christian Bale at the beginning of Dark Knight Rises. Oh shoot, did I just spoil that? Yikes. Sorry. Um, well, it's still worth seeing! And, yoooops again, sorry for spoiling the beginning of Scary Movie 5. At least we don't know how they die. I mean, it's probably from drugs, or like a car or something, or maybe a tiger, but whatever. We still don't really know how. So. Not a lot of work for the reported $200,000 that Lohan is getting paid to appear in the damn thing. Not bad, lady. Not bad at all. [The Hollywood Reporter]

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The Closer has ended. Yes, Kyra Sedgwick's TNT cop show closed its last case last night, and it did so in grand fashion. Some 9.1 million people tuned in to watch Brenda fall down an elevator shaft and die (argh, with these spoilers! Sorry!!), which is mighty impressive. Especially impressive considering no one actually watches The Closer. Not a single person! Honestly, have you ever, ever met a person who watches The Closer? Nope, you haven't. Because no one watches that show. And yet 9.1 million "people" "watched" it last night. Sounds like 9.1 million hospital waiting rooms, to me. Or 9.1 million TV displays at an electronics store. Nobody watches The Closer. Come on. And really nobody watches Major Crimes, the new spinoff which premiered last night to the tune of 7.2 million viewers. 7.2 million ghosts more like. Sheesh. C'mon, TNT. What do you take us for? [Deadline]

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Seth Green has joined the cast of a miniseries called Delete about the internet becoming self-aware and trying to kill humanity. Which... Where to start? With the title "Delete" or with the fact that haha how is the internet going to kill us? Hm? The internet is all cat videos, porn, and cat porn videos. That's it. "Oh no, some Bel Ami or Vivid model is attacking me!" "Help, it's a Japanese cat that lives in a box!" It's just not very plausible, is the thing. But, hey, congrats, Seth Green. [The Hollywood Reporter]

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Dermot Mulroney has joined the cast of the big August: Osage County movie, the adaptation of the wonderful, Pulitzer-winning Tracy Letts play. He'll be playing Juliette Lewis' character's sleazy fiance. It's a small part, but a good one. They're all good parts! And this cast is really coming together. Still have an issue with Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts in the leads, but, y'know, whatever. Everyone else is good! Oh well, Abigail Breslin, guh, but whatever. Again, small part. So good on you, Dermot Mulroney. May your spirit brother Dylan McDermott find similar success. [Deadline]

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Welcome Back Kotter star Ron Palillo died yesterday at the age of 63. Palillo played Horshack on the 1970s sitcom, and was the goofy comic sidekick of John Travolta's suavester Vinnie Barbarino. Palillo, who likely died of a heart attack, is survived by his partner of 41 years, Joseph Gramm. Much like when John Travolta dies someday he will be survived by his masseuse. [The Hollywood Reporter]

Swimhunk Ryan Lochte has booked a cameo spot on an upcoming episode of 90210. He'll be playing the ghost of Danish physicist Niels Bohr, a part Lochte requested himself, saying he's "been dying to" play his greatest hero since he was a little boy. Lochte then sang a medley of Gilbert & Sullivan tunes, bid the press goodbye in Esperanto, and headed off to the Princeton Club, where he was having lunch with playwright Wallace Shawn. [Entertainment Weekly]

Here is a first trailer for Mike Newell's upcoming Great Expectations movie, which dares to set the story in the time when it was written and has cast all British people. Helena Bonham Carter makes for a typically Helena Bonham Cartery Miss Havisham, while War Horse's Jeremy Irvine does a dopey twink Pip and Holliday Grainger is a rosy-but-icy Estella. Oh and Ralph Fiennes is the benefactor, looking very much like Ralph Fiennes in Clash of the Titans. It all looks very polished and prim and elegant and all that, but this glimpse lacks any real soul, yeah? At least Alfonso Cuaron's fairly disastrous modern update with Ethan Hawke and Gywnnie Paltz was trying something. This is just stuffy British costumery for the sake of stuffy British costumery. At least from this first glance. So who knows. If the recent spate of nicely done classics is any indication — from Joe Wright's sprightly Pride & Prejudice to Cary Fukunaga's gorgeously gothic Jane Eyre — it's perfectly possible this Great Expectations will continue the current costume drama renaissance. But can this hold up against Wright's elaborate, dreamy looking Anna Karenina? Let's find out this fall!

Here's a trailer for the first America-set movie from Irish dramatist Martin McDonagh (In Bruges). It's another violent comedy about lowlifes being lowlifes. In Bruges was terrific, but if his Broadway play A Behanding in Spokane, his first play set in America, is any indication, McDonagh doesn't quite have the best grasp of the American patois. And, uh, he can be a little racist. Or a lot racist. Or something. It's complicated. Let's just say I don't like what little I see of Gabourey Sidibe in this trailer. Let's just say that.

And finally here's a new red band (meaning: swearz, folks) trailer for Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Pena's End of Watch. What exactly is this movie? Is this a video game? This a video game. It's one of those first-person shooting games, like Doom or Wario's Shooting Spree. It looks pretty ridiculous. But hey, at least they swear. Who doesn't love a good swear.

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