Lindsay Lohan Will Survive Coachella

The Atlantic
Lindsay Lohan Will Survive Coachella
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Lindsay Lohan Will Survive Coachella

Lindsay Lohan is, as the world knows, due to check into rehab very soon. But she was only willing to go after this year's Coachella, the increasingly obnoxious music festival that takes place every year out in the middle of the Californian desert. It's an annual tradition for Lohan, and even though she needs to attend rehab lest she be thrown in the clink, Coachella takes precedent. But she swears she's not drinking or pilling or drugging or anything while she's there. And who knows, maybe that's true. But if it wasn't, would that really be such a big deal? I mean she's on her way to rehab, right? Are you going to deny a guy one last swim in the ocean before he heads to prison? I suppose there are the obvious health and legal matters to consider here of course, but otherwise, oh well. If she wants to "party," as they say at Coachella, who's to stop her, really? Let's just hope she makes it out OK and then checks into her facility and emerges in three months a changed lady. Ready to tackle the world and finally claim the career once promised her. For now, though, Coachella. Terrible, terrible Coachella. [TMZ]

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Lohan could learn a lesson in restraint from one Gwyneth Paltrow, the collection of fireflies and fiber optics that Blythe Danner shaped into a human some years ago. Paltrow tells Harper's Bazaar this month that she allows herself one American Spirit Light a week, which she smokes on Saturday nights. This is an improvement from the Paltrow of old — who can forget her ever-present pack of Marlboro Lights during the Brad Pitt years? But of course that was long ago, and now Paltrow mostly subsists on a diet of kale powder and suggestions of protein whispered into her ear. But she allows herself that one indulgence, the cigarette on the Saturday. And she chose wisely, in terms of brand. American Spirits take forever to burn, so she can enjoy that sucker for a good hour practically. But then Sunday morning, it's back to rubbing cauliflower paste on her skin and pantomiming eating a steak. "Oh, I'm so full from pretending!" she says after one of her mime-meals, collapsing onto her fainting couch, bone dust puffing out of her ears. [Daily Mail]

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My goodness. Duchess Kate is going slumming. It's been revealed that Kate, princess of England, future Dark Queen of the Britons, one-day fearsome Empress of William the Terrible's vast Atlantic Empire, enjoys watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Heavens! It seems that Kate got wind of the fact that Kim was always talking about Kate in the press and so she started watching the show and became hooked. "People forget that Kate is just a normal girl, who married into royalty, and enjoys the same trashy TV shows most people do," a palace insider said. Uh oh. I wouldn't want to be around when Kate reads that. "A 'normal girl'? A bloody 'normal girl'??" "Yes, Mum. I'm sorry, Mum." "Bring me my sword." Not a good day for that palace insider. But yeah, Kate watches the Kardashians and thinks they're really funny and apparently William makes fun of her for watching it. Pretty normal couple stuff, just like any young newlyweds. Except after the show's over, Wills and Kate go take a bath in jewels and attend beheadings and plan how to once and for all destroy the plague that is Portugal. Beyond that, though, totes normal. [Now, via Jezebel]

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The Hollywood Reporter had a party to celebrate its "35 Most Powerful People in Media" issue on Wednesday night, and to hear Page Six tell it, the "media elite" were in attendance. They then proceed to get quotes from Willie Geist, Sandra Lee, and Piers Morgan. Yeah. A real media elite there. To further drive home the fact of his eliteness, Morgan described how he is literally stalking Jack Nicholson to get him to appear on the show: "I go to parties where he might be, I go to Lakers games, I'm getting him like a tracer." You go to parties where he might be, Piers? Oh god. Oh Piers. That's just sad. Also, why Jack Nicholson? Aren't you on a news network? What the hell does Jack Nicholson have to do with anything? I'm beginning to suspect that Piers Morgan might be... a hack. Could that be possible?? I'm beginning to suspect it might be. But yeah, this really sounded like some party. Bill O'Reilly was there, as was Barbara Walters. When did this thing end, 8 p.m.? I mean honestly can you imagine a more boring party? I guess that's what happens when your 35 Most Powerful People in Media list is just a bunch of old people who are on television. Everyone has a glass of room temperature chardonnay and then it's back to the Upper East Side, back to the thickly carpeted classic six that smells like medicine. Ah, the flashy New York media! [Page Six]

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Speaking of that party, Kelly Ripa — by far the youngest person in attendance — said that she and Regis have not seen each other since he left the show in 2011. So I guess they really weren't all that great of friends. But they pretended so well! I mean, Pipa cried when he left and everything! Ah well. I guess that's just the charade of television. It's all a sham. It's all a damn sham. [Us Weekly]

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Marc Jacobs is 50! Fifty years old. And he can kick, he can stretch, and he can date 24-year-olds and take them to Brazil with some other friends. That's what he's doing right now with his current main squeeze, muscly so-and-so Harry Louis. Yeah, they're having a grand old time in Brazil, and Louis is Instagramming the hell out of it. Because he's 24. His Twitter bio reads "Cool laid back guy in love with life!!!!" Which sounds like a bot, doesn't it? It sounds like a fake account's profile, designed by some weird Kazakhstani algorithm. But it's not! He's a real guy, dating Marc Jacobs, hanging out in Brazil right now. Marc Jacobs was Harry's age in 1987. [Daily Mail]

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