Looking at the Year We Needed The Onion the Most

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Looking at the Year We Needed The Onion the Most
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Looking at the Year We Needed The Onion the Most

The people who work at The Onion are some of the smartest, and essential, people in the world right now, and they went through a tough year. So, for The Atlantic Wire's Year in Review, we thought it would be a good idea to tell them how much we like them by sharing our favorite stories. 

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Things are pretty bleak out there right now. Real news is a little depressing. It's all mass shooting this, and Congress that. Blech. So that The Onion is still here to provide us with fake, hilarious news to help us through the day is a miracle. It was a big year of change for them, too. They kicked off 2012 by moving to Chicago and losing a pretty big chunk of their staff. But they persevered and helped us get through a year full of difficult-to-digest news stories. 

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Many of these were culled from their own Year in Review celebration, others were personal favorites nominated by The Wire's staff and friends. Some were included in both. The thing they all have in common is that they're great and will make you laugh. Enjoy: 

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The Best of the 'Wait, That Isn't a Real Story?' Onion Stories

Robert Pattinson Looking Forward To Taking On More Serious Vampire Roles After Conclusion Of 'Twilight' Films

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Because we still haven't gotten around to watching Cosmopolis, though we hear it's good. 

RELATED: The Y.A./Middle-Grade Book Awards, 2012 Edition

'Breaking Bad' Creator Thinking Maybe Next Season Should Take Dark Turn

Because Breaking Bad was the show of 2012 until everyone decided it was Homeland

Weird Couple Has Greatest Sex Of Their Lives After Announcement Of Disney-LucasFilm Merger

Because we're sure this actually happened somewhere in the world. 

The Best Headline 50 Shades' Cultural Relevance Could Ever Give Us

Naked, Tied-Up Paul Ryan Tells Staff He Can’t Prepare For Debate Unless They Slap Him Harder 

Just... maybe this could have gone in the previous group, too. 

The Best Joke About Fat People

Everyone At Airport Delighted By Chubby Family Rapidly Waddling Toward Gate

Because we've all been there.

The Best Slideshow of Teenage Boys

Hot Boys We Liked in 2012

Because, well, it's not the best Sexiest Man Alive story. (More on that in a minute.) But it still deserves to be nominated for something, because it's hilarious and accurate while still being creepy. 

The Most Close-to-Home Story of the Year

Area Mom Was Waiting In The Car For 20 Minutes

One of the best things The Onion does is take a real life situation and do a small write up for it. They nailed this one, which happens across the world all the time every day. 

The Best Reaction to the Protests in Egypt

Egyptian Woman Wishes Screaming Protester Husband Would Go Bonkers For Her Once In A While

Because, really though, she just wants some attention. 

Grossest But Also Best Reaction to That Silly Petraeus Affair

Busy Mom Wishes She Had Enough Spare Time To Fuck CIA Director

Remember when that was a thing? The weeks immediately after the election were hilarious. We would talk about anything. Anyway, mom needs to keep some things to herself. 

The Best Not-About-What-You-Think-It's-About Headline

Millions Without Power Following Election

Because voting matters and this isn't about Hurricane Sandy, surprisingly. 

The Best and Most Obvious Reaction to Todd Akin

Pregnant Woman Relieved To Learn Her Rape Was Illegitimate

Because only The Onion can get away with this and we thank them for it. 

The Most Humbling Onion Story of the Year

God Admits Humans Not Most Impressive Creation

Because it's true. Mountains are cooler than us. 

The Best Reaction to the Only Thing Dumber than Peter Parker Dying That Happened in Comics This Year

Economically Healthy 'Daily Planet' Now Most Unrealistic Part Of Superman Universe

Clark Kent quit the Daily Planet to start a blog, or something. He wants to be Matthew Keys, probably. They nailed this one, though, because honestly how the heck does the Daily Planet succeed and not even have a paywall. 

The Best 'Well I Was Listening to Document the Other Day...' Story

Ahmadinejad Kind Of Getting Back Into Old R.E.M. Again

Who can blame him? 

The Only Thing That Can Explain the Prevalence of Electronic Music 

Guitar Music Fad Runs Course

Because more teenagers should be getting drunk to The Hold Steady and not that crap. 

The Best and Realest Thing About Beyonce

Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Beauty And Fame Takes Singer's First-Born Child

A video, but still the only real explanation for Beyonce's amazingness.

The Best Summation of America's Olympic Obsession

America Ends Love Affair With McKayla Maroney After Finding Out She’s 16

Because Mckayla Maroney is still great, but some of the media coverage definitely made us uncomfortable this year. This is was a necessary reminder that some people needed. 

The Best Onion Story People Thought Was Real

Kim Jong-Un Named The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive For 2012

People believe Onion headlines all the time, because people are idiots. But when a Chinese communist paper believes The Onion? Oh, that's good. That's some good stuff right there. 

A Close Runner-Up to That Kim Jong-Un Story

Stephen A. Smith Thinking Son Is Finally Ready For The Sex Argument

Because Stephen A. Smith, the shouty ESPN personality, believed this was some kind of hit piece on Twitter. Everyone told Smith to calm down and eat some of his beloved Cheez Doodles. 

The Best Editorial About 9/11 Conspiracy Theories Written By Santa Claus

Ho, Ho, Ho! 9/11 Was An Inside Job!

The headline alone is great. The rest of it is even better. 

Because The Onion Provides the Best Reactions to Multiple National Tragedies

Michele Bachmann Thankful No Americans Died In Sikh Shooting

We were horrified when the Sihk temple shooting happened in Wisconsin in the middle of the summer. We were still recovering from the Batman shooting in Colorado. Little did we know the year of mass shootings was far from over. At the time, this bit about Michele Bachman made us laugh. It still does, for the record. 

Fuck Everything, Nation Reports

But one of The Onion's greatest victories this year was nailing how everyone felt immediately after the shooting in Newtown. "Seriously, what the hell is this? What’s even going on anymore? Why do things like this keep happening?" sources told The Onion. Which is exactly how felt when we first heard about the shooting. This is one of the biggest and best arguments for The Onion's continued existence. 

The Best of the Election Stories, Because Obama, Romney, and Voters Were Never Safe

This May Not Be The Ideal Moment Politically, But It’s Time To Talk Reparations

Because this is what Obama is going to take up as soon as he's through with the cliff stuff, the gun stuff, and the NHL lockout. 

Romney Apologizes To Nation's 150 Million 'Starving, Filthy Beggars'

Because we still can't believe the 47 percent video even happened. 

Man Who Eats Breakfast At Dunkin' Donuts Every Morning And Enjoys The 'Saw' Films Allowed To Vote

Amazingly this person was not from Massachusetts. Either way, occasionally voters can be just as bad as the candidates. It's always good to remember that. The Saw movies really are terrible. 

The Undisputed Single Greatest Onion Story of the Year...

Mr. Autumn Man Walking Down Street With Cup Of Coffee, Wearing Sweater Over Plaid Collared Shirt

There is only one, and it is autumn man. There was no Onion story more widely shared and praised than autumn man. He was as inescapable as the changing foliage that comes with his favorite season. Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to enjoy some pumpkin spiced beer we have stored and reflect on the year. 

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