Madonna Makes Yom Kippur Wait for Her

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Madonna Makes Yom Kippur Wait for Her
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Madonna Makes Yom Kippur Wait for Her

Today in celebrity scuttlebutt: Madonna made quite an appearance at a Yom Kippur service in New York, Suri Cruise is talking on cellphones, and some sad news from a sad town. 

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Oh, Madonna! The elegant bone spur is in New York right now — can't you feel her cold, chalky presence?? — and yesterday went to a fancy Kabbalah celebration of Yom Kippur (wait, do you really "celebrate" Yom Kippur? Maybe she went to a fancy Kabbalah observance of Yom Kippur) that she basically held up for a while because she was running late. Take it away, Page Six: "Our spy said, 'Madonna was the last to arrive, and it seemed like they were holding up the ceremony to wait for her. She came through a back entrance with her daughter, Lourdes, and was seated in the front row. Once she was seated, it could begin. All the men were in white but Madonna had a loud track suit on. Also there was her younger boyfriend, who arrived wearing cream.'" Ohhh. First off, young boyfriend covered in cream? Madonna may be over-identifying with her gay fanbase on that one. Secondly, what was this "loud track suit" exactly? Luckily for us, Page Six explains: "a bright purple sweat suit bearing the number 86 and a hat emblazoned with the word 'Vogue.'" Hahahaha. Madonna dresses like a Honey Boo Boo. Madonna dresses like she is going to the Cheesecake Factory down at the Longacres Mall or whatever and is coming right home afterward. It's basically always a Saturday afternoon for Madonna. Anyway, that's how she spent the holiday. She apparently wouldn't talk to anyone else at the fancy service, including Donna Karan, who I guess is also into Kabbalah. Everyone's into Kabbalah! Well, they were. Like ten years ago. Now it's all hardline Calvinism. That's the new trendy thing. "I am preordained by God!!" Selena Gomez cries, her tiny hand wrapped tight around a Bible. If only they'd all become Shakers and start making chairs instead of babies. Oh well. [Page Six]

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Suri Cruise was photographed in New York yesterday talking on a cellphone. A six-year-old! On a cellphone. The mind reels. What's next, a baby using one of those newfangled hand-computers? What's that? Oh, sweet misty christ, that's already happened. A nightmare! We live in a techno fever dream of babies using baby phones. Anyway, now that our civilization is doomed, who do you think she was talking to?? Joshua Jackson, probably, right? Or, y'know, maybe her dad, Tom Cruise. He apparently calls her at least once a day. Do you think she's ever been like, "Ugh, Dad, lemme call you back, I'm on the other line"? That would be the worst, but she does have a cellphone, and that's what people with cellphones do. The whole thing is strange. Imagine Suri Cruise as a teenager? Of course we'll never see that, because by then the planet will be simply an irradiated ball of char and bone and ash, but we can at least imagine it. Suri as some Manhattan teenager, talking on her wrist implant phone, Google-texting her father in space, resenting her fashionable fortysomething mother, who gave up acting and now sells elaborate but tasteful cookware at an uptown boutique. (She's like Phoebe Cates, basically.) It's going to be so strange! Maybe she's dating one of the Gosselins, one of the non-gay Gosselins. Hoverpeds whizzing down 14th Avenue, which has been built on the riverbed of the old, dried-up Hudson. The sky brown and streaked with veiny clouds. And then some old crone, maybe it's you or me, walks up to her and says "This is because you used a cellphone, at the age of six, all those years ago. This is all your fault!" And she gives us a dollar (change doesn't exist anymore) and walks on, indifferent. What a world it would be! [Us Weekly]

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Great big mean girl Abby Lee Miller, the monster from Dance Moms, says that Honey Boo Boo, the girl from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, needs to lose weight. Which, whatever, it's not that she's wrong, it's just that here's this gorgon who makes a living belittling children and vocally taking pride in the fact that all her boy dancers are "masculine," talking to some random TMZ camera man about how some strange child needs to lose weight. Abby Lee Miller is the worst, the TMZ camera man is the worst for asking the question, and we are the worst for clickin' and readin'. [TMZ]

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We're headed into the sad stretch of this Smart Set, so buckle your Kleenex or whatever. The first bit of woe is the news that Erin Moran, who played Joanie on Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi, is now homeless, having been kicked out of the trailer she was living in with her husband. Supposedly her mother-in-law owned the trailer and kicked Moran out because she was coming home from bars late and carrying on 'til all hours. Now Moran is wandering around a Holiday Inn parking lot in Indiana, smoking cigarettes and talking to dogs. I've no love for the glee with which the Daily Mail reports this sad story, but I also can't deny that it's grimly fascinating. Indiana?? Oof. The whole thing is a doozy. There are pictures. Sad, terrible, mesmerizing pictures. [Daily Mail]

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Now we come to the saddest item: A young actor named Johnny Lewis, who was on two seasons of Sons of Anarchy, seven episodes of The O.C., and lots of other things, was found dead in a driveway in Los Feliz yesterday, outside the home of an elderly woman, who the police think Lewis killed. Lewis was on drugs, police suspect, and had an altercation with several men outside of the house, swinging a 2x4 at them, shortly before his death. So basically he was having some crazy drug freakout and did a lot of damage before he ultimately did himself in, it seems. Well, he either fell off the roof or jumped off of it. Whatever exactly happened, the kid and the old lady are dead, and TMZ is talking about how he dated Katy Perry six years ago. So. Los Angeles, man. L frickin' A. [TMZ]

Here's something happier: Jennifer Garner says her husband Ben Affleck has "wonder sperm." She said that on the Ellen show, which airs today. So, we've all got that goin' for us, the knowledge that Jennifer Garner has opinions on Ben Affleck's sperm that she's willing to share on national television. Not the sperm! The opinion about the sperm. Sheesh. Anyway, the rest of the chat seems very cute, with J. Garnz talking about raising three young kids and being a regular mom. But still. That sperm. The sperm haunts us. [Us Weekly]

Did Nicole Scherzinger kiss Chris Brown? She says no. Do you say no? Look at the photo and decide. Did Nicole Scherzinger, known Pussycat Doll, kiss Chris Brown, known jerk? It's all relative, really. There is no one fixed fact. If we think she kissed Chris Brown at Supperclub last night, then she might as well have, right? Kissing is in the mind of the beholder, or something. Did I have a wild night with Nathan Adrian at an Indiana Holiday Inn last night? Who's to say! Now that you think I might have, it may as well have happened. See what I'm saying? It doesn't really matter what Nicole Scherzinger says. It's already a done deal. To that end, gimme a call Nathan? Might as well at this point? No? [TMZ]

VP wannabe Paul Ryan will be doing some fundraising in New York City soon and will be taken to a fancy $10,000-a-plate meal on Monday. The restaurant? Aquavit. Which, hahaha. Of course. Of all the restaurants in the city, the plethora of options, the many and varied cuisines, they're taking him to the blond Swedish restaurant. "It's safe here!" they'll whisper to Ryan, who has just had a scary encounter with a bum near Times Square. "Everyone's regular here." Ha. Aquavit. Good restaurant, but come on. [Page Six]

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