The Meaning of North West

Today in celebrity gossip: Find out why North West is North West, learn where Duchess Kate has been baby shopping, and feel pity for Sean Parker.

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As you should all have heard by now, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian named their new baby daughter North West, a name that's triggered a lot of snickers since it was announced this weekend. But you shouldn't laugh. They didn't name their daughter after the directional, exactly. See, as a supposed friend of the couple explains to TMZ, "What's North of North? Nothing." Meaning, this child is the acme, the apex, the couple's highest achievement and possibly the best child in the world. So it's not a name referencing Seattle or anything, it's a name about being on top, being the zenith of Kim and Kanye's relationship, and possibly of all humanity. Which is fine. A little grandiose, but it could be worse. I mean, she's not Princess West, is she. Though of course there is one fatal flaw in the thinking. What's North of North? Well, Beyond-the-Wall. And then the Land of Always Winter, where White Walkers come from. So there is actually stuff North of North, it's just bad and scary stuff. Little baby North West is the highest of the good things. Not all things. It's important to remember that. Anyway, I'm excited for the birth of their son, Old Valyria West. [TMZ]

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Speaking of babies, are you curious where Princess Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, bearer of the royal heir, has been shopping in preparation for giving birth? Well, People magazine has the info for you. They've listed six shops where she's been seen browsing, many of them tony places meant for London's baby elite. Much like the Russian plutocrats buying up property everywhere in the city, London's baby elite are many and powerful. One of the stores frequented by this jetset crowd of British babies is The Nursery Window, where onesies cost about $60 and there's a little tiny baby coat for $100. Another is Dragons of Walton Street, a high-end baby supply store that sells cribs for $4,600 and one dollhouse for $7,000. So this royal baby is going to be in good shape when it is born next month. I mean, it was always going to be, but putting some price tags on the wares really drives that fact home. This baby is going to go to bed on sheets that are more expensive than your couch. And then it's going to pee and poop on them. Just think about that. [People]

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Napster/Facebook billionaire Sean Parker is fighting back against all the criticism he's received for having a $9 million fantasy nerd wedding that did a number on a stand of redwood trees in Big Sur. He's basically saying that he asked the inn and spa/campground where the service was held if he needed permits and they said no. He'd been planning this thing for two years and no one stopped him until a few weeks before the wedding, and then all of a sudden there were all these problems and he was told to pay up. He got a shakedown because the wedding was so high-profile, I guess. Which, OK, I can kind of see that being true, but at the same time if you're planning a wedding for two years it seems strange that at no point during that process did anyone think to thoroughly make sure they could completely alter the landscape of a section of endangered forest so they could have their faerie fantasy Game of Thrones wedding. That seems odd. Somewhere between drawing up the plans and having costumes designed for all the guests, it seems like they should have probably sincerely looked into it. Oh well. Nothing to do about it now. Parker has paid and is moving forward. He's already planning his future kid's sweet 16, to be held in ANWR. [Page Six]

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While on the topic of fancy weddings, it should be noted that George Lucas was married over the weekend on his own Skywalker Ranch, which he is allowed to destroy or mangle in any way he so chooses. Mostly because "Skywalker Ranch" is really just a cinderblock room with green screens on the walls and floor, creating the illusion of a sprawling estate. But yes, he married Mellody Hobson, an investment firm chair and financial correspondent for ABC News. One fun fact about the marriage is that Dobson was born the same year that Lucas married his first wife. Isn't that fun! Hopefully we'll get some more details on the wedding, I want to hear just how Star Wars themed it was, but for now it's fun to imagine that Lucas was dressed like Hayden Christensen in Attack of the Clones, braids and all. [People]

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Sonja Morgan of Real Housewives of New York is putting together a burlesque show that she plans to perform in Las Vegas. She writes the burlesque banter herself, employing a very interesting and innovative writing process: "I look up 1920s words on Wikipedia, then I write them down and make them rhyme." Ah. OK. I see. Very... interesting. And what kind of verbal magic does that masterful technique create? Well, this was one bit from her recent teaser show in the Hamptons: "Just because I married JPM, you thought this pucker was lined with gold and I’d be left holding the bag. But... this bank is closed." She apparently snapped her legs shut before saying "this bank is closed." What does that even mean? You know what, I'm not even going to bother trying to figure that out. Because it doesn't mean anything. It's corny, meaningless "innuendo" along with some weird bragging about being married once to the heir to J.P. Morgan. That's all. [Page Six]

Aaron Carter, brother of faded Backstreet Boys twink Nick Carter, was allegedly beaten up in Boston for performing in New Kids on the Block territory. That's what he told TMZ after posting a photo of himself on Instagram looking bruised and battered. Which is ridiculous and makes no sense and come on, Aaron Carter. At least have the decency not to post another two photos of yourself pretty much right after in which you look completely fine. What a silly thing to make up. And then saying that you weren't going to file a police report because that's "girly"? No, Aaron. Absolutely not, Aaron Carter. We're done with you. Be gone. Shoo. Get thee back to Florida. That is the only place for you. [TMZ]