New Mummy Blog: Wanted... Parenting Shortcuts That Actually Work
Why do those ‘guilt-free’ parenting shortcuts promised by glossy magazines always end in disaster?
An article popped up on my Facebook feed the other day promising to share with me all the parenting shortcuts that I could possibly need to make this mum business a breeze.
I was game; this article’s timely promise was fresh off the back of another toddler battle (on why she couldn’t fill her pockets with stones). Who was I to turn down the chance to make things easier.
My children pretending to be angels [Photo: Yahoo/Claire Sparks]
It didn’t have the answers, of course. Instead it was full of vague, innocuous or embarrassingly obvious advice. I’m pretty sure it had been written by someone who doesn’t have children. Or even know any children.
I don’t really need to be told that it’s okay not to vacuum every day. That’s not a shortcut; it’s a fact.
Okay. Admittedly, when the two-year-old was a baby, we were obsessive with the Hoover, especially when she started crawling. No stray crumb was going to make it into her mouth.
Now she’s a toddler and responsible for pretty much all the crumbs - and the spills, the half chewed biscuits and the raisins found in the most unlikely of places - I really should be (this is a common theme in my day; the things I really should be doing, if only I had the time, the energy or a toddler and baby with synchronised naps) vacuuming, for the sake of baby number two.
Instead the toddler and her trail of snack-based destruction are followed faithfully wherever she goes, by an overeager, living, breathing Hoover on all fours. Not a dog, but the baby. Henry. The Hoover. Living up to his name.
Henry the Hoover, eating again [Photo: Yahoo/Claire Sparks]
What I do need are shortcuts that will really help. And that won’t come back and bite me. Because it seems that most of the shortcuts I have taken end with payback.
What I want is a shortcut for the half hour it takes every day, without fail, to get the toddler dressed. It starts with having to catch her, involves volatile negotiations around outfit choices, gymnastics to get a hairbrush anywhere near her head, and a battle to get her shoes on the correct feet.
What I want is to know how to get my child to accompany me round the supermarket without the promise of a Frozen-themed Kinder egg as a reward (thanks, supermarket, by the way, for so thoughtfully placing these eggs at toddler eye-level; like she really needs the reminder). Because I did this once in desperation, to head off a tantrum that was brewing in her boredom of the bakery aisle and her frustration of being held captive in her buggy (n.b. using food for bribery and reward is in no way a solid foundation for parenting and may lead to food-based issues in later life; please don’t follow my lead). And now she expects it every single time.
What I need is the ability to rewind time, to stop her from watching Monsters University, which I didn’t prevent my husband from putting on to see us through a particularly fractious witching hour (that period between tea time and bed time, where time itself seems to stand still). He just couldn’t take one more rerun of Barbie Princess Charm School (yes, it is as dire as it sounds, but to our two year old, it is everything). And now our sound sleeping, 12-hours-a-night-without-fail daughter will not go to sleep. She will not let us shut the door or turn the light off. She sobs when we leave the room. Because there are monsters under the bed, of course. Go us.
So all I’m asking is that if you’re going to promise me parenting advice that will change my world, please make it something that will actually work for an iron-willed toddler. And idiot parents. Thanks.
