I run a preschool and see how gentle parenting has made parents less engaged with their kids. It's time to ditch parenting scripts.
I'm the founder of a Montessori school in Brooklyn, New York.
I've seen parents use parenting scripts when talking to their children at drop-offs and pick-ups.
I worry that parents think they can optimize their relationship with their kids with these scripts.
About eight years ago, I was hosting an open house at my Montessori school. Classrooms were buzzing with parents and kids, yet one mother stood out. She was speaking to her 4-year-old son in a performative manner, loudly narrating feelings he may be having as he moved through the room.
"I know you want to have that, but it is in the hands of another child. That makes you sad and frustrated, but I am here to help you," she said to her child. When she spoke to me, she slipped back into a more natural tone and manner of speaking, her voice coming down a full octave.
In our brief conversation, her words flowed freely as though they were casual representations of her own internal thought process. When she turned back to her son, however, it was as though she were channeling an adult who hosted a PBS show for children. I found this mother to be both engaging and competent in our interactions, yet slightly off-putting and disingenuous as she interacted with her son. I wondered sincerely why she didn't allow her son access to her authentic self.
I now realize this mother was an early adopter of parenting scripts, something I had never heard of at the time, though they have now become ubiquitous.
Words matter when talking to kids
The spoken message behind parenting scripts is that parents can optimize how they speak to children, supporting their children's development and validating their feelings. The unspoken message behind parenting scripts is that much of parents' reflexive language toward their children is pernicious.
Seemingly innocuous but now verboten, phrases include, "You're OK," 'Be careful," "Stop it," 'You're so smart," and "Good job." These phrases gaslight, dominate, or put children into a fixed mindset, right? While there could be some truth to this — words do matter after all — it might be time to ask what impact this is having on parents. And is it really working for children?
When parents are repeatedly given the message that, left to their own devices, the way they communicate with their children is likely harmful; it invites shame, doubt, and a pervasive feeling that every word out of a parent's mouth carries with it alarmingly high stakes.
I worry about parents wanting to optimize everything
As parenting scripts gain in popularity, I worry that some parents are buying into the idea that they can optimize the parent-child relationship by becoming less of their authentic selves and more of an "ideal" parent that is prescriptively laid out to them by an expert whose interaction style may differ wildly from the parents'.
The idea that parents can produce capable, confident children while simultaneously thinking themselves incapable and placing confidence in someone outside themselves to put words in their mouth seems far-fetched at best.
Scripts can be loose guides
While some parents may find scripts helpful for a time when they aim to communicate with their child in a way that considers their developmental stage and need for empathy, it's important to recognize that congruence often matters more than specific word choices.
Congruence, in an interpersonal sense, simply means that a person's inner experience matches their outer expression. If a parent can use scripts as a loose guide, adapting words to their own style and manner of speaking, then more power to them. If, however, a parent is using scripts in a way that causes them to feel like they need to flip into performance mode or put on a "mom mask" every time they're around their kid, then it's time to ditch the script.
Implementing a script with that level of adherence is more likely to create repression and burnout in the parent and confusion and frustration in the child. To put it simply, words only work if we mean them, even expertly vetted words.
Congruence was exactly what that mother at my school's open house lacked, and her son knew it. He would've listened intently if his mother had used her real voice with her own word choices.
The parent-child relationship is one of the most intimate relationships humans experience. Yes, we want to be thoughtful in our communication, but there's no need to sterilize it with scripts. Even when words are optimal, sacrificing authenticity is not a good trade-off.
Children need their parents to be congruent in their interactions, even if they might misspeak from time to time. Parents need to trust that, at the end of the day, their hearts are in the right place — so much so that they may even want to speak from it.
Christine Carrig, M.S.Ed., is the founding director of Carrig Montessori School in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. You can subscribe to her Substack or follow her on Instagram @christine.m.carrig.
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