Nobody Wants to Date Taylor Swift

The Atlantic Wire

Today in celebrity gossip: Taylor Swift's reputation renders her officially undateable, Joe Manganiello is back on the market, and and LeAnn Rimes dislocated her jaw by singing too hard.

That low, melodic murmur you heard as Taylor Swift drifted by you on the sidewalk half-heartedly kicking a pebble and full-heartedly holding back tears may have had something to do with the current state of her love life. In short, nobody wants to date Taylor Swift! America's favorite twenty-something teenager may have built a career on taking an electron microscope to her every failed romance, but according to Radar, that may be the very behavior that's preventing her from finding a new boyfriend! "Taylor’s advisers are tired of setting her up on dates only to have her strange personality scare men away," some all-knowing source/creep informed Radar. And what does "strange personality" entail? Could it be a reference to Taylor Swift's habit of occasionally speaking in high-pitched fax machine noises? Or perhaps her Temple Grandin-esque expertise in the field of livestock slaughter? No, in this case, "strange personality" seems to mean mostly just writing songs about exes. "None of the guys she shows interest in want to be the subject of a mean song six months down the road or be painted the bad guy." See, it's like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle rendered way-too-real: Taylor Swift's very examination of her relationships will forever alter them. Meanwhile the creepy-sounding "advisers" whom Radar suggests lord over her career like a cabal of robed sorcerers apparently now don't want her to be around male genitalia of any kind! "They hope she will focus on building some strong female friendships and use that as an inspiration for the next phase of her career." You heard it here first: Taylor Swift's next album will be called Frenemy and include twelve songs written about Selena Gomez. Can't wait! [Radar]

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Everybody gets their heart broken sometime and it's our duty as human beings with at least a bare minimum of basic empathy to understand and be supportive of our fellow men and women who go through that pain. That being said: Ladies, rejoice! Joe Manganiello is single again! According to town gossip E! Online, "the True Blood hunk revealed on Today this morning that he and girlfriend Bridget Peters broke up sometime within the last couple of months." Manganiello's error in this case was to make this announcement during the fourth hour of Today, which meant that Kathie Lee and Hoda immediately began to awkwardly grill him about it. Like when Kathie Lee pointed out that last time he'd been there he'd had "a beautiful one" to call his girlfriend and Manganiello responded simply "that was a while ago." Ouch. But don't worry, the segment wasn't all quivering chins and hot, salty tears; within minutes Kathie Lee and Hoda were groping Manganiello's biceps and mewling with post-menopausal horniness. Welcome back to the game, Joe Manganiello. [E! Online]

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Sad news for fans of insane rock: Dave Brockie a.ka. Oderus Urungus, the lead singer of GWAR, has passed away. The 50-year-old's body was found in his home Sunday night in Richmond, Virginia, and "detectives don’t suspect foul play at this time." GWAR, of course, was the band who wore elaborate latex monster costumes onstage and made very heavy metal music with a disgusting, comedy-horror spin (their music video for "Phallus in Wonderland" was nominated for a Grammy in 1993) and was at one point the most awesome band alive for all boys ages 9-13. Brockie's death follows only three years after the death of GWAR's lead guitarist Cory Smoot, "who was found dead on the band’s tour bus in North Dakota in 2011." [Page Six]

Everybody knows LeAnn Rimes has a big voice, but sometimes her banshee wail gets so intense it can bring harm even to herself! During a performance in Okahoma City on Saturday, she apparently sang so hard her jaw popped right out of its socket!

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The resident physicians at E! Online helpfully explain her medical condition this way: "TMJ, short for temporomandibular joint dysfunction, is used to describe pain and restricted movement of the jaw and its surrounding muscles." That sounds like a very unfun condition and a perfectly reasonable excuse to skip an encore! But perhaps also the janitor tasked with cleaning up the Shakey's Pizza backroom party parlor was tapping his feet very loudly for LeAnn Rimes to finish her set and TMJ was as good an excuse as any for her to get offstage with her dignity intact. Who even knows? Only the lunchtime crew of the Oklahoma City Shakey's Pizza, that's who. [E! Online]

Oh, here is some fodder for racists who believe that reverse-racism exists: Nick Cannon just Instagrammed a photo of himself in white face!

The main problem with people who complain that black people shouldn't be allowed to dress up as white people if white people can't wear black face is that they are missing the larger point that full-face makeup will always, always look like a nightmare. While you're busy writing think-pieces or, I don't know, leaving comments on the Fox News site, I am CALLING 911. Nick Cannon looks like A MONSTER here. I have still not recovered from the abject terror of White Chicks and I probably never will. No more of this, PLEASE.

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Ugh, I can't end this with that kind of image. Let's end with something positive. Please enjoy this image of Paris Hilton's new phone case. She bought it at the airport.

 

This article was originally published at http://www.thewire.com/entertainment/2014/03/nobody-wants-to-date-taylor-swift/359524/

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