Once Upon a Time "The Apprentice" Review: The Hand Jive
Once Upon a Time S04E04: "The Apprentice"
SOOO. It occurred to me somewhere around the third act of "The Apprentice" that a lot of OUAT consists of two people standing opposite one other, angrily justifying the plot of the episode. Maybe this is why people run around so much in other episodes? Because there was noticeably less running around this episode, which made it super noticeable that most of the hour was consumed by two people standing across from each other, explicitly explaining the logic of the scene, which, zzzz. But also walking broomsticks! And Matrix spins!!!
To be honest with you, I didn't really care about a lot of what happened in "The Apprentice." There's no real emotional core to new character Anna, so I didn't really care that she finally bumped into Rumple, who pushed her to a place where she had to confront her dark side so that he could use her to get the Sorcerer's Apprentice Bucket Keepsake Box (which looked like something kept in a display case at the Disney Store at your local dying shopping mall), except she grabbed his dagger and compelled him to give her the box and send her back to Arendelle, where she and Kristoff made out next to a reindeer. Like, I am reciting this because of minor OCD tendencies, but I wasn't particularly engaged on any level with the rather tedious proceedings. The plot at least was crystal clear, because its participants described to us what they were doing and why in every line of every scene. Which maybe contributed to the tedium.
Also, Mickey Mouse is this guy. Roll up your childhood into a ball, throw it in the trash.
The storyline of "The Apprentice" that had an emotional core was Emma asking Hook out on a Super Special date, with the support of Henry—who seems inappropriately preoccupied in his mom's love life post-divorce. Hook was like, "I am uncomfortable with you taking the initiative here, how about I plan the evening?" and Emma was like, "Sure, I need the afternoon to put together a costume that Sandy would wear in a community theater production of Grease, so that works great," and Hook marched over to Rumple's place and demanded that Rumple reattach his hand. Luckily Rumple had it floating around in a jar like a pink, five-fingered pickle.
I know we're never supposed to question the logic/timeline of this series (which is why the writers have hilariously started labeling every flashback "A Long Time Ago," which is basically code for "Try Calling Us On Our Continuity Errors Now, Assholes"), but why the hell has Rumple schlepped a disembodied hand with him to Maine through two curses?! He had a whole mansion full of important stuff that Neal returned to in Fairy-Tale Land, so he didn't take everything, so why... whatever. My fault for asking. The point is, he reattached Hook's with a simple warning: This hand was cursed with the plotline from the Devon Sawa classic Idle Hands.
Back at Snow's studio apartment, Emma was unveiling her date-night look for Snow, David, and Elsa.
A power ponytail, taupe hose, and character shoes? Girl STOP. She looked like she was headed to homeschool prom. And then Elsa had the nerve to ask where the rest of it was?! Check your slut-shaming and trust that no one needs advice from you or your bejeweled side-braid, lady. Not to mention you're the only person besides Regina who regularly rocks a thigh slit, so stop acting like you've never seen ankles before.
Hook showed up and was like, "Surprise, two hands!" And David was like, "Oh yeah? Well none of those busy fingers, new or old, better go anywhere up my daughter." I mean, let's be real, that's what he was saying, despite the fact that his grown-ass daughter is now well into her 30s. Very cool, David. Credit where credit is due, though, Hook had donned some HOT NEW CLOTHES!!!
This made me literally sigh with relief.
Next: Page 2, let's get to that date!
(Continued from Page 1)
Without further delay, Storybrooke's Danny Zuko and Sandra Dee were off to the spaghetti place! Romance was in the air!
Hook had barely had a chance to pressure Emma to get all liquored up when Will Scarlet saw Emma and was like, "Shit, the sheriff! I better sneak out of here by walking directly into her table." Yes, he walked weirdly close, hit a waiter, and spilled a bunch of everything onto Emma's lap. Hook grabbed him with his naughty new hand and made some threats, and Emma was like, "OMG a wanted criminal! And I'm a sheriff! But I'm also a lady, on a date, and that is more important."
Priorities!
At this point, Hook was like, "Damn, how did Idle Hands end again?!"
That naughty hand was causing so many problems! So fixated was Hook on his itchy, troublemaking hand he actually stared at it while getting a goodnight kiss from Emma, which you would've thought would've commanded his full attention.
Emma opened the door to find her parents waiting up for her. Adorkable! Hey, when did Snow go from a badass outlaw/lady who would have a one-night stand with Dr. Whale to the kind of gentle, tone-deaf doofus fully committed to embarrassing her daughter at all times ? Don't get me wrong, I laughed and all, but Snow has fully morphed into a goober. And David was all like, "DON'T TELL ME ABOUT UR FINGERBLASTING," which, uh... no worries.
Meanwhile a punch-drunk Hook ran into Will Scarlet breaking into the library and gave him five across the eyes with his Evil Hand, and then he told Will not to tell ANYONE about their fisticuffs. Will apparently then CONTINUED to break into the library, because Belle found him the next morning, drunk with a copy of Alice in Wonderland.
Emma was busy that morning pulling a gun on a magical woman in a ballgown, but she took a short break from terrorizing suspects in formalwear to go down to the sheriff's station for the first time in literally months of Sundays so she could grill Will Scarlet, who was laid out exposing a lot of hipbones during their conversation. Nice to know that OUAT has Emma covered for when Captain Hook inevitably fizzles and the writers need to introduce another love triangle. I mean, I know the Knave loves the Red Queen and all, which is why he broke into the library to stare at an engraving of her. But mark my words on this one.
Will was like, "You're keeping me in jail for stealing a library book?!" and Emma was like, "Uh no for crashing my date" hahaha oh Emma you're cute when you're un-Constitutional.
Hook, who was alarmed by his hand being out of control the whole date, wilding out and punching people, hopped into Rumplestiltskin's car and demanded his hook back.
As much as I love Robert Carlyle, the rest of his scenes with Hook were exactly like his scenes with Anna: Two people standing a foot away from each other, yelling about their character motivations and explaining the logic that would lead to the next improbable plot element. Through a series of truly rubbish contrivances, Hook is basically now Rumple's muscle. He made a deal to get his hook back where he would help Rumple suck Mickey Mouse, the Sorcerer's Apprentice, into a very pointy beanie, and Hook somehow ended up on a security tape that he erased himself from and... just ugh. Basically it'll all be a big, giant cock-block conflict for the Captain Swan fans going forward, but otherwise the episode was made of fanservice and no one feels sorry for y'all.
Once they'd handled the Sorcerer's Apprentice, Rumple was like, "Dude, BTW I was just kidding about your hand being evil. It never was. SIIIIIKE" and I was like, "This show keeps trying it." We're already suspending our disbelief anytime anyone uses magic, now we should also question whether it's actually magic? That's how we're going to do this? Okay then.
What was actually quite cute about "The Apprentice" was Henry going to work at Gold's Pawn Shop. It's about time he and Carlyle had something to do with each other that doesn't involve death threats and body-snatching. I'm hoping it means a storyline involving Regina is starting to surface out of this quagmire.
Which leads me to my questions for this week:
QUESTIONS:
... When is Lana Parrilla coming back?
