Once Upon a Time Season 4 Fall Finale Review: Like a Dagger Through the Heart

Once Upon a Time S04E12: "Heroes and Villains"

Once Upon a Time's fall finale tied up the first half of Season 4 without a single cloud of purple smoke, and for that we can all be grateful. You can't do two in a single half-season, show! You know our limits. Luckily, before Ingrid ascended to Kingdom Come, she put up a wall of Magical Plot Device around Storybrooke, so anyone who left could never ever ever never ever come back.

Everyone was trapped in Storybrooke like hamsters in a snake cage, and Anna and Elsa needed to hurry back to Arendelle before the peasantry got serious about institutionalizing democracy. Elsa was like, "EMMA, MAKE IT HAPPEN," and Hook stepped off into the bushes and walked backward all the way to the pawn shop to get his marching orders from Hook. Was something wrong with my TV, or were Hook's lips the most gorgeous shade of hot pink in this scene? Delightful.

Blah blah, Rumple is going to bring the hat into the observatory so that when all the stars align he can cleave himself from the dagger and then take Belle on a whirlwind tour of New York City. And then we cut to a flashback in which the costume department had styled Belle with what might be called "a lot of oomph."

Rumple had returned with this latest toy, a gauntlet that pointed out someone's greatest weakness (mini bottles of Goldschlager, for instance).

Over in Regina's crypt, two shamefaced adulterers were inserting a giant, heart-shaped fruit snack back into Marian's chest. It worked! She was so happy to be alive again (again) that she didn't even notice how bummed her husband was.

Or so Regina thought. And then Marian cozied up with her at Granny's and rapped with her woman to woman, and I don't know, maybe Maid Marion really had some time to think when she was frozen solid like an ice statue, but she'd gained some perspective on her husband's lingering glances with another woman and she was like, "Go get it. Both of you, just go get it. I won't be settled for. Marian out."

Then a motherf-cking broom walked across my screen.

Dear readers, I said at one point that if I ever saw a walking broom on this show I would officially quit OUAT. Well, I apologize. I was wrong about that one, because this little strident little dude had so much joy, grit, and charisma. Give that animator a raise and that broom a spin-off! Swept Away? Co-starring Kelly Reilly? Do it, ABC! Anyway Broomy escorted Hook and Rumple to the portal to Arendelle so that OUAT could get the Frozen folk the f-ck out of Storybrooke at long, long last.

Meanwhile, college freshman Henry arrived at the pawn shop just in in time to see Belle hilariously trying to close a suitcase: too many clothes!!! You'd be surprised how much volume a few pairs of stripper heels can take up in a piece of luggage.

In poking around to find another suitcase, Henry turned up: THE GAUNTLET! And Belle looked so pissed-off. She looked like that metal glove was a slap in the face to her whole life. Mysterious!

So we flashbacked to Belle and Rumple again. Rumple had magicked Belle out into a damp field to hang up his laundry wearing the most boobsy cloak ever designed. I mean, I have never seen a cloak with cleavage until this day.

Then a blue-eyed dalmatian popped up, and suddenly Belle was gone or something. Rumple turned up to investigate, found a sand dollar, and it beamed him a holographic message of Belle, like they do.

Mysterious figures were demanding the gauntlet as ransom for Booby Belle! Whuh-oh. Were we about to meet the highly promoted #QueensofDarkness?!

Nope.

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First let's head back over to Granny's diner, where Hook had ambled in to alert Emma that a portal had been found to Arendelle. Rumple activated the "walkie talkie" functionality of the heart, allowing him to talk through Hook's mouth to Emma. Whether or not he had to make little kissy noises and purse his little lips when Hook kissed Emma is not known at this time, and is being hotly debated by esteemed Bullshit Scholars nationwide.

Meanwhile, Regina's Best Day Ever continued to unfold as Robin Hood announced that he was choosing her over Marian. Sure, he would have to do some explaining to Roland about daddy's girlfriend, but he would also have to explain to Roland how mommy came back to life twice. Roland was in for a lifetime of confusion no matter how you sliced it, so why shouldn't his dad feel free to follow his dick/heart? Regina was pretty psyched. And then Robin Hood pulled out their mysterious page and they both grinned at it, and then...

Everything was ruined. Sad trombone. Poor Regina. Or maybe not poor Regina? I mean, maybe she wanted Hood out of there. She certainly didn't leave any room for other options, she was immediately like: "The only option is to bundle her up and take her over to the Magical Finale Plot Device Line and out of Storybrooke forever goodbye."

A couple things about this: Regina really could've crossed the line along with them. Let's be real, Henry is basically a full-grown man and he wants to go back to NYC anyway. But she was like, "Hey, bye forever, this is rough but have a nice life." She wasn't even CRYING. Contrast this with her SOBBING and holding Emma's hands when she and Emma were parting forever. Just saying, for two weirdly parallel situations, Regina seemed remarkably composed.

Maybe she was sore about Robin taking her credit card, who knows. But after she said goodbye it was time for by far the best scene of the episode, Rumple getting in a car with Regina and trying to turn her back to the dark side.

Robert Carlyle and Lana Parrilla are obviously the two heavyweights of OUAT and we've gone almost a whole season without them sharing a scene. I forgot how much I loved their onscreen rapport. The debate was solid and Parrilla just painted this whole internal conflict with her expressions that was gorgeous. I honestly don't know how she emotes so specifically, but the fact that she can and does has elevated the arc of her entire character and is perhaps the redeeming virtue of this series. Regina's internal struggle is why I watch OUAT, basically. Just flipping beautiful. A++ Rumple and Regina.

Anyway, then we returned to FTL, where Belle was being held captive! Belle was bound by Ursula's, um, hip tentacles, guarded by the magic of Maleficent, and uh... also there was Cruella De Vil.

One of these things is not like the others, guys. We've got an Evil Enchantress, a Powerful Sea Witch, and... a sassy flapper?! Seriously, how can OUAT possibly justify having a figure from 1920s London popping up in Fairy-Tale Land? WHAT is her magical power?! Fashion?!!?!? Is FASHION HER POWER?!?!!??! FASHION IS NOT A POWER, IT IS A PASSION. I can't even handle it. Basically the two Queens of Darkness and their stylist wanted the gauntlet glove, and Rumple eagerly traded it for Belle's life. I hope you Rumpbellers enjoyed this moment, because it was the last glimpse of sunlight before a long, cold, dark night for the soul of this ship.

Back at the Lakeside Manor, Elsa and Kristoff went skipping through the door to infinity, but then Anna of all people turned to Emma and was like, "Wait, who found this door to an alternate universe I'm about to blindly walk through? Trustworthy dude? A real stand-up fella?" And Emma was like, "The Dark One. Also known as Rumplestiltskin." And Anna was like, "Yikes. Guys I met him once and he's evil and he lies all the time. That's basically his job. Y'all trust him? Woof."

The Charmings were well and truly told that day. This girl has known Rumple a solid three minutes and she's perceiving more about him than literally three generations of their dumbass family. Get it together, Charmings, get it together.

So the Charmings tried to do something useful for once in their damn lives and went racing over to the clock tower where Rumple was about to kill Hook/make all my dreams come true, and Emma ran in all, "Not so fast!" and Rumple was like, "Sure," and froze her in place. So Savior Magic can be overridden by the Dark One? Let's be sure and note that for the Bullshit Chronology, because that seems a little shortsighted.

So yeah, Rumple had that giant fruit snack in his hand and he was about to crush it but then suddenly he COULDN'T and he was like, "What is HAPPENING to me?!" and I was like, "Pssssht the ratings are driving the plot development man, that's what's happening." But suddenly Belle piped up, dagger in hand: She was commanding Rumple not to kill Hook!

I kind of wish OUAT had saved the first time Belle used the dagger for this moment; it would have been a tiny bit bigger that way? Oh whatever. I guess things got plenty big when Belle hauled him out to the town line a moment later.

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Belle was like, "Remember that gauntlet you supposedly traded for my life?! You still have it. You would never trade your power for me! You don't love me more than the Dark Arts, and the gauntlet proved it! " The Gauntlet had led her to the dagger, proving Rumple's greatest weakness was his power, not his love. Nice work there, writers; someone amongst you still gives a shit, and to that person I give a slight nod of begrudging respect.

So Belle, in tears, banished Rumple from Storybrooke, in the middle of the night, without so much as a coat. Not even a coat, Belle!? Send your man out into the dark without even some rain boots? A glove? A scarf!? Without magic he's just a 60-something man. Seemed a little harsh to me. It was a legit devastating scene. I really thought she would cross over with him but nope. Belle was making a clean break.

Back in Arendelle, Elsa was fishing real hard for compliments...

...and then the two sisters did the exact character gestures from animated movie Frozen:

And then at looong last it was good riddance to bad rubbish and they walked offscreen and out of our lives hopefully forever!!! I'm kidding. These actresses were amazing, and even in the limited roles of Queen Frostine and Wendy of Wendy's they totally created depth and humor and fragility, just great work, wonderful job, I will keep my eye peeled for y'all in shows and films and perhaps OSCAR CEREMONIES!?!?! to come.

Okay so then Emma smacked Hook's heart back into his rib cage, gave him a peck, and then sprinted off to catch a newly single Regina on the rebound.

I pretty much did this. The ladies were one shot into the scene of my dreams when Henry ran in, yelling, "Moms moms moms!" He'd discovered something amazing at the Lakeside Manor! So the family went all the way out there and Henry revealed a secret door (I guess he'd hung out there for a while just pulling on wall sconces? What a weirdo) that opened into a library just FULL of blank storybooks! Could it be... the author's house? Henry and Regina explained Operation Mongoose to Emma and she wanted IN because she wants Regina to have the happy ending she deserves, and when she said this, Regina smiled at her like she has never, and I mean NEVER smiled at Robin Hood.

I was just like, "Move into that manor, family. Poof all 30 pairs of Emma's jeggings into the master closet and put up a tree, because this is going to be A VERY SWAN QUEEN CHRISTMAS!!!" Seriously, with about two extra lines OUAT could've ended on a still frame of Regina smiling at Emma and I'd have been like, "Wow, they pulled it off... it all came together in the end. Magnifico."

And yet, the fact that the show was definitely puttin' out some scraps for the same Swan Queen kittens they've been leaving out in the cold all season makes me both love and hate them with all the passion of a starving alley cat. It's one step forward that they're transparently courting fans of a same-sex pairing, it's two steps back when you remember it's still all 100 percent subtext.

Also: Rumple walked all the way to New York City, through the woods of Maine, to say hi to a lady who works at an aquarium. Hope he has some gel inserts in those dress shoes.

Anywayzzzz HAPPY HOLIDAYS Y'ALL!!!!! MORE OUAT IN MARCH 2015!!!!

QUESTIONS:

... Belle: harsh yet fair or WTF? Are she and Rumple dunzo? Is sending someone off into the Maine woods in the dead of night with no coat or gloves tantamount to murder?

... Cruella de Vil's magic power is WHUT exactly?

... Swan Queeners: one step forward or two steps back?

... Will you miss Frozen or are you like, "Yesssss let that shit gooooo already"?

... What are the logical implications of Rumple crossing the line?

... Will we find out who the author is this season, and do you think the writers already know or will they be stalling/brainstorming/backpedalling on that bigtimez?