Please Do Not Call ScarJo "ScarJo"

Price Peterson

Today in celebrity gossip: Scarlett Johansson hates the nickname you've been calling her, Jessie J is no longer bisexual, and Jennie Garth couldn't get into a nightclub.

While on the rounds promoting her new art-house exploration of government wiretapping and extreme pectoral fitness (Captain America: The Winter Soldier) as well as her new Species reboot (Under the Skin), Scarlett Johansson has opened up about some very choice subjectmatter to Glamour Magazine. Yeah, there's probably tons of boring stuff about her no-name husband and whatever baby she's currently got chillin' in her tum-tum, but a smaller tidbit from the yet-to-be-released-online interview involves how exactly Scarlett Johansson feels about the tabloid-gifted portmanteau "ScarJo." In short, Scarlett Johansson does not care for it very much! "I associate [ScarJo] with, like, pop stars. It sounds tacky. It’s lazy and flippant... And there’s something kind of violent about it. There’s something insulting about it." Now it's true that most people patiently wait a lifetime for their friends or family or even exhausted, brain-dead celebrity entertainment journalists to anoint them with a nickname, but it's just as true that those nicknames are terrible. And let's be real, ScarJo is a very terrible one. It sounds very 2002, plus her name was already fun enough, you know? And "ScarJo" does phonetically sound choppy and violent, I can see where she's going with that. But another thing you need to understand about Scarlett Johansson is that she is an elegant lady in ALL respects, not just name. Like take this Page Six story about her high school relationship with Fun-period's Jack Antonoff and how the pair were deemed by their classmates to be "the 'Cheech & Chong' of their Upper West Side campus." Scarlett Johansson and Jack Antonoff really liked to smoke marijuana basically. But in a classy way: "She smoked elegantly." Moral of the story is, if a woman has a reputation for smoking marijuana elegantly, please do not give her a tacky nickname. She does not deserve that. [Page Six, Page Six]

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Jessie J, a British pop singer who has spent the past several years searching for relevance with the intense determination of an elderly speed addict roaming the beach with a metal detector, is no longer bisexual. Jessie J WAS bisexual, but Jessie J is no longer bisexual.

For me, it was a phase... But I’m not saying bisexuality is a phase for everybody. I feel that if I continue my career not speaking on it, I almost feel more of a liar than if I didn’t. I just want to be honest, and it’s really not a big deal. Who cares?

Yep, an actual, legitimate sexuality often derided for its association with straight women seeking attention or gay men too cowardly to admit full homosexuality, has now been rendered even more useless by Jessie J and even beloved British diver Tom Daley who initially came out as bisexual but now admits to being simply gay. Sorry bisexuality activists, don't get mad at ME for your increasingly unicorn-rare position on the Kinsey scale. Get mad at Jessie J and Tom Daley and maybe British culture and, I don't know, the Queen? Has anybody verified where she's leaning these days? [Mirror]

TMZ has posted a story entitled "Jennie Garth: The Club Wouldn't Let My Black Friends In" and we should all perhaps consider writing letters to the Pulitzer Committee urging them to immediately place this piece on their short lists for achievement in journalism this year. Anyway, somewhere beneath that perfect title and further beneath a somehow even more perfect banner photo of the former Beverly Hills 90210 star tearfully flipping off the camera, TMZ tells the tale of Jennie Garth and her five-member posse arriving at an LA nightclub only to be told that the women could enter but the men had to wait in line outside. Fairly standard nightclub situation, except that the men all happened to be African-American and the group's ringleader happened to be Jennie f*cking Garth and Jennie F. Garth don't stand for that. So "Jennie stormed off ... appearing to cry and flipping off the photogs." Why crying and flipping off paparazzi? Probably because she tried to pull the fame card and still got denied: "Jennie skipped the line and walked up to the security team at the front door... 'I'm 40 years old, I have 3 kids, I've been in the business for years.'" Most bouncers would have been like, 'Ma'am, that is EXACTLY the kind of person we want in this nightclub, get in here,' but this bouncer did no such thing, hence Garth's crying and paparazzo bird-flipping. As for Garth's take on the possibly racist segregation? "She felt it was wrong." Civil rights historians: Please remember that alphabetically Garth comes before Parks. [TMZ]

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An incredibly difficult day for professional wrestling fans. Yesterday no less than the Ultimate Warrior himself (née James Hellwig) passed away suddenly in Arizona. According to TMZ he'd been winding down a whirlwind tour that included his Saturday evening induction into WWE's Wrestling Hall of Fame followed by Sunday night's Wrestlemania XXX (already a devastating event for fans in that the Undertaker was defeated for the first time in history!) and then capped it off with an appearance on WWE's Monday Night Raw. "Warrior collapsed outside an Arizona hotel at 5:50 PM on April 8th ... while walking to his car with his wife" and was later declared dead at a nearby hospital. Every boy of a certain age knew of the Ultimate Warrior, with his neon facepaint, shiny biceps, and especially his bitter, undying bad attitude toward Hulk Hogan. That makes this all the more heartbreaking:

Only love. [TMZ]

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Also having a rough go of it this week is Orange is the New Black's Dascha Polanco, who was recently seen spotted projectile vomiting ALL OVER EVERYTHING. According to Radar's poncho-equipped sources, Polanco attended the Tribeca Film Festival Ball on Monday night and was later spotted at South’s Bar and Restaurant where "she was the life of the party." Then things took a turn. "She had just ordered a Long Island Ice Tea and all of a sudden she started throwing up while standing at the bar." At this point Polanco turned toward the bathroom but "'projectile vomited' all over the floor." But the night wasn't over yet. "Dascha kept throwing up and finally after the third time that she puked someone brought a trash can over and put it under her." Orange is the New Black, a Netflix Original Series, returns on June 6.  [Radar]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus! Topless! On the cover of Rolling Stone! Did you ever think you'd live to see the day? Well, friends, the cover is real and here's a peek courtesy of JLD herself:

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And finally, for no reason at all, here is Kellan Lutz standing beside a photo of Derek Jeter standing beside a plaque of Babe Ruth. Enjoy!

This article was originally published at http://www.thewire.com/entertainment/2014/04/please-do-not-call-scarjo-scarjo/360381/

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