DEAR ABBY: My husband, who is 53, talks often about his college days when he smoked marijuana. I tried it once and didn't like it. Over the past several years he has started smoking it again.
I have told him I don't approve, but he says he does it only occasionally "to take the edge off." Many times he has smoked when we're out on bike rides, on road trips or a Sunday drive. It makes me feel like he needs to be high in order to have a good time with me.
I tried compromising by asking him not to do it when we are together. He agreed, but he doesn't keep his word. He does it thinking I don't know what he's up to.
I have noticed that he is becoming forgetful and is sometimes unable to understand information. Is this a midlife crisis he's going through? How do I get him to stop? -- MRS. POTHEAD IN WINONA, MINN.
DEAR MRS. POTHEAD: It's not a midlife crisis. I'm told that the grass that's available today is far stronger than when your hubby smoked it in college.
Your husband may be becoming forgetful and unable to process information because he's smoking pot a lot, or because of a neurological problem. Because marijuana slows reaction time, he should not be driving while under the influence, and you shouldn't be riding with him.
Since you can't convince him to stop, you could benefit from visiting a support group for families and friends of individuals who are addicted to drugs, because marijuana is one, and it appears your husband has become addicted.
P.S. Of course, marijuana is also illegal.
DEAR ABBY: "Jerry," my husband, has been sending pictures of himself to online dating sites, advertising for a personal relationship with the so-called "right woman."
I feel this is a betrayal of our marriage vows and that it's cheating. He claims he's "just looking" at what's out there.
My concern is, why is he looking in the first place? All I get from him is "I love you" and "I want to be with you." I have seen these dating sites, and I feel hurt and betrayed. Am I wrong to feel this way, or should I believe what he says about harmless fun? -- BROKEN-HEARTED LIBRA, LOUISVILLE, KY.
DEAR LIBRA: Your instincts are right on the money. You have every right to feel betrayed, hurt and cheated on because your husband's words don't match his actions. What he's doing is not "harmless fun"; it is a danger to your marriage. Do not tolerate it. Run, don't walk, to a marriage counselor. If your husband won't go with you, go alone because your marriage could depend upon it.
DEAR ABBY: I was divorced 20 years ago and have two children from my marriage. My ex-husband was black and I am Caucasian. Over the years, when I've discussed my children or showed photos of them, people have asked me if they are "mixed," if they have the same father and if I was married to their father. I presume that some folks assume interracial marriage indicates a lack of good judgment, giving rise to further inappropriate questions.
I would love a good, snappy comeback to those questions without stooping to their level of rudeness. I have tried, "Why would you ask me that?" and got even more questions. Any advice or help you could give would be great. -- TAKEN ABACK IN INDIANA
DEAR TAKEN ABACK: Rather than a snappy comeback, why not simply answer "yes" to all three of those questions and end the conversation?
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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- DEAR ABBY