Prepare Yourself for Brad and Angelina's Wedding

The Atlantic
Prepare Yourself for Brad and Angelina's Wedding
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Prepare Yourself for Brad and Angelina's Wedding

At last night's premiere for Killing Them Softly, the biopic in which Brad Pitt plays legendary soul singer Roberta Flack, the actor was asked about his engagement to underground actress Angelina Jolie, and while he said he didn't know exactly when they would get married, he anticipated that it would be soon. "The time is nigh," he said, staring up at the moon and feeling some dirt in his hands. He then knelt down and scattered some chicken bones on the ground. "It's soon," he murmured, sifting through the bones and clucking his tongue. "I got a good feeling about it." Well, OK, he was actually on a red carpet wearing a lot of leather, but he did in fact say those things. Still, some may sputter, what about the couple's promise to not wed until everyone can marry, meaning gay people and the gay people they love? Well, progress has been made, in four states quite recently, so maybe that's enough. And the kids have been pressuring them, and you can't disappoint children. It's just not fair. Whenever the couple does get married, well, hold on to your butts, because that is going to be a big goddarned deal. Sure they've already been together forever, but this is Brad and Angelina we're talking about. I'm pretty sure Shakespeare's ghost is invited to that wedding. I mean, real heavy hitters. Heads of state, billionaire philanthropists, Angelina's Hackers costar Matthew Lillard. Real big names here. So we've that to look forward to. It's "nigh." It's coming "soon." Listen to the whispers on the wind, poke at the tea leaves, watch the tides change and swirl in new directions. This thing is coming. Prepare ye. [People]

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So there's this controversy right now about how the late Anna Nicole Smith's daughter, Dannielynn Birkhead, is now modeling for Guess, just like her mama, and people are worried that this means the child will head down the same dark path as her mother. Which, OK, I get. And I do get that children modeling is weird in general. But come on, guys. It's not that big of a deal. Plenty of kids go into their parents' professions. Sure they usually do it when they're a little older — this child is 8 years old — but still. It's probably fine. Though, admittedly, it is odd that her father, the hair-dyed weirdo Larry Birkhead, just went on Good Morning America to talk about the whole thing, and said that "my goal for her is for her to be a child and just do what all kids do." Because, um, all kids do not model for Guess jeans. That's not something that, really, most kids do! It's a pretty rare kid that models for anything, let alone Guess, and then let alone have their dads go on TV to talk about it. So let's just cut the crap on that one, Birkhead. It's not regular. It's definitely abnormal. But abnormal isn't always bad. Just keep her away from gross old men with lots of money and she might be OK. Or better yet, actually, screw it, don't have her model at all. OK, naysayers? Are ya happy? You're right. It's weird. Stop the whole thing. Shut it down. This ends here. [Us Weekly]

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Some lady, a mom, is suing teen demigod Justin Bieber for millions of dollars because she apparently suffered hearing loss at one of his concerts. Yeah, those things can get pretty shrieky, and so this lady, name's Stacey Betts, is blaming the Biebs for her hearing problems and politely requesting 9.23 million dollars. She says that at a concert in 2010, Bieber whipped the crowd up into a frenzy, sending the girls into a shriek stampede, and that's when her ears exploded or whatever happened. Which, OK, maybe that did happen, but you buy the ticket for a Justin Bieber concert, you gotta accept the consequences, y'know? This isn't the Handel and Haydn Society. (Though, their Christmas Oratorio can get a bit wild.) Justin Bieber makes girls, and likely one in ten boys, scream their pimply faces off. That's as much of a part of Justin Bieber's innate being has his drop crotch pants or his stud earrings. So this Stacey Betts had to know that's what she was getting when she went to this ill-fated concert. I rule for the defendant on this one, though I am sorry to hear about the plaintiff's hearing loss. Maybe next time she'll wear earplugs. Or take her daughter somewhere quieter. [TMZ]

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Yikes. Halle Berry and her current beau Olivier Martinez are trying to move, with Berry's four-year-old daughter Nahla, to Paris, partly because paparazzi laws are a lot stricter there. But Nahla's father, pretty French-Canadian model Gabriel Aubry, doesn't want that to happen, so there's been a legal fight, which, for the time being anyway, Berry just lost. But there was also an actual physical fight ,which, oof, Aubry lost something fierce. It seems there was a recent scuffle between Martinez and Aubry at Nahla's school, which later continued at Berry's home, and that left Aubry black and blue and bruised all over. Berry and Martinez claim that Aubry initiated it, while Aubry claims that Martinez threatened to kill him if Aubry didn't agree to also move to Paris. Which, wait, that's what this is about? "More to Paris!" "No! I will not move to the City of Light!" "Move to Paris and live in the Marais and eat wonderful bread all the time!" "NO, I will not move to the 6th and drink all the best wine and see beautiful things all the time! I will not." "Move to Paris!" "No!" And so on. Guys. It's Paris. Just everyone move to Paris. Olivier and Halle, do you want me to move to Paris? Because I will move to Paris. I'll move to Paris with Gabriel Aubry or not. Though, hm, I'd honestly prefer to do it with him. But whatever, that's beside the point. The point is, everyone just move to Paris. Paris is lovely! Way better than stinky old L.A., anyway. I don't see what the problem is here. [Us Weekly]

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For a happier family portrait, here are some photos of Jennifer Garner saying goodbye to her parents after Thanksgiving, and Garner's mom is all teary and her dad looks like a nice man and they're just sweet pictures. That's all. You can look at 'em if you want, or you can skip 'em. I say look at 'em, but that's up to you. What is not up to you is whether you're moving to Paris. You're moving to Paris because that's what everyone's doing so pack your bags and let's go. [Daily Mail]

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And here are some pictures of Jennifer Lawrence and company filming The Hunger Games: Catching Fire in Hawaii. A couple of things about these photos. 1) Nice suits, guys, really. Flattering for everyone. 2) OMG it's Lynn Cohen, aka Magda from Sex and the City and Golda Meir from Munich, in a wetsuit wielding some kind of trident. That's kind of amazing. Good for her. 3) The f-ck is Gale doing there? Do you see him, Liam Hemsworth? As far as I remember Gale is not in this part of the story. Are they changing things up on us? It looks to me like they are. And that's a big change. Maybe I'm misinterpreting these photos, but from the looks of it, they're putting Gale in the Games. Which is not what happens. Maybe this is just a practicing scene? That's possible, actually. But then what is Mags/Lynn Cohen doing there? A mystery. Anyone have any ideas? When you figure it out come look me up, I'll be near the Luxembourg Gardens, tending to Gabriel's wounds. [Daily Mail]

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