Pretty Little Liars "Bloody Hell" Review: A Little Britain

Pretty Little Liars S05E22: "Bloody Hell"

You have to hand it to Pretty Little Liars writer Maya Goldsmith for really nailing the episode title on this one. Many of the show's recent episode titles have been headscratchers that've left me grasping for some tangentially related reason as to why a particular pun was used. However, "Bloody Hell" not only referred to a spot of unfortunate, embarrassing, and unbackpedallable grossness, it also took place in Britain—and as we all know from American media, British people say "bloody hell" all the time. Plus, with Mona's stockpile and now these other vials of the Liars' blood floating around, we're all in this Bloody Hell together.

Let's start our PLL world tour in London, where Spencer was interviewing at Oxford after arriving on a flight purchased just the day before. Oh, to be a Hastings and have the resources to drop next-day international travel money. Now, you might wonder how we knew that Spencer was in London, and the answer is that PLL used the same establishing shots as every television production in the history of of the United States, even the ones that've actually filmed in England, to tell the audience that something was happening there: a firehose of glances at Big Ben, the Ferris wheel, Westminster Abbey, roundabouts, people driving on the left side of the road, etc etc. I'm pretty sure that Spencer's conversation with Aria while she was out on a street was supposed to be taking place during some sort of U.K. Flag Day; I'm guessing it was taped on a backlot using every Union Jack PLL could find. "It's needs to be more limey! More! Find people with bad teeth who'll sing 'God Save the Queen' while drinking ale! Flood the streets with fish and/or chips! Where are all the chimney sweeps?!"

And then the show upped its British quotient by finding the stodgiest, stiffest upper lip it could find to don a bowtie and play an Oxford professor interviewing Spencer. Naturally, while she was nailing the interview, A's plan for the girls began to unfold. It feels like A has been relatively quiet lately except for an occasional message and, you know, devoting some time to get some curls in. More or less, A has seemed content to let the girls bumble into each other and do all the dirty work themselves by destroying evidence and creating more secrets and lies that will eventually incriminate them. But now that the secret's out about how Ali probably didn't kill Mona and how the Liars are going to put their heads together to go after Über A (I can't get behind the "Big A" designation; Über A is just so much classier), it looks like A is finding all the stops and pulling them out. And that includes planting a broken vial of blood in Spencer's purse.

I'm not sure why the vial feels more corrupting than anything else A has done lately. Maybe it was the amount of blood staining what I'm sure were antique, Victorian-era chairs and pooling on the floor. Maybe it was the look of hopelessness on Spencer's face when she realized that there was literal blood on her hands. Or maybe it was listening to someone sit through a college interview and convincingly laugh at a Euripides/Eumenides joke, only to have A crush every hope and dream she had; the whole ordeal was interestingly violent. And then to follow it up with a Keep Calm and Carry On pun? Insult to injury.

But the violence of "Bloody Hell" didn't stop there. Aria also had a run-in with A (kinda) as she spent the hour trying to find ways to prevent her brother from being targeted and eventually found herself climbing Mike's weight bench to retrieve a schedule tacked to a dartboard nine feet in the air (?), then tumbling right down because A sabotaged said weight bench (the wrench, if you'll recall). Obviously, that would've crushed him dead, as Andrew noted. Luckily for Egg, Andrew has been pouring it on so very thick lately as his old man loins yearn for a "petite" and "complicated" girl (his words... okay, maybe not the loins thing) in what I'm starting to realize is an advanced stage of Rosewood's pedo virus. If you catch it early enough, your age actually skips ahead to one where it would be completely inappropriate to hit on teenage girls. His birth certificate says it's legal, but his disease-ravaged body has elevated him to creepster status. Which is obviously a turn-on for Aria, so they kissed.

"Bloody Hell" had a little something for each of the characters to deal with regarding A. Aria almost died because she's wee, Spencer stained a rejected Monty Python character's furniture with anonymous blood, and Hanna had to swallow some pride after accusing Ali of unthinkable crimes and then realizing that those crimes, while terrible, probably don't include this particular murder. Even Ali received an A note (conveniently, after she'd been cleared to the audience of being A) that featured an Alison action figure in a tin-can barrel. And then Emily—well, Emily didn't really get a brush with A this week (unless it was A who let the Glass Slipper committee know she's friends with Ali). But this whole beauty pageant thing is completely asinine, anyway, and until we see what A has in store for it, it's going to be so very boring. Also, I think we can all agree on the meaning of Emily's non-contact with an A plot: The three-headed A Hydra lives.

As we talk about "Bloody Hell," we should really focus on how kinetic it was compared to PLL episodes of the recent past. Season 5B has been so slow-going over the past couple of months, and we're finally starting to pull ourselves out of the mire after slogging through plenty of filler and set-up. Sure, there've been some key moments (I have a .GIF of Hanna's dancing bookmarked), but overall things have been pretty stagnant for the show. And while I know it must be difficult to maintain a high-octane, tour-de-force series for 26 episodes (let me say that again: This season has 26 episodes), it's this downhill running toward the #BigAReveal that makes us look back on what came before and think, "Are we just killing time with these middle installments? Are we only making this filler for 'shipper fan service?"

Of course not, because a show needs time to build up all the crazy tomfoolery that's about to unravel, but could PLL accomplish such a task in 20 episodes? Would the show still suffer such insane timeline weirdness if the A schemes could be conceived and executed quickly and the Liars could react without dedicating so much time to Talia? Because it stands to reason that we could stand to spend a little less time to Talia. Unless she's A. Or unless Paige is preparing for a Caleb-coming-home-from-Ravenswood situation. But no matter what, while I find some value in these middle-of-the-season episodes, I can also understand the pain of the fandom for wanting to just get there already. Even Lost didn't surpass 20 episodes in Season 5.

Basically any PLL episode where A doesn't appear more than twice and/or the Liars fight back somehow makes the series feel like it's dragging. It's an unfortunate and inevitable pitfall of the writers' own making. But here's hoping that "Bloody Hell"—where we saw Cyrus in a burn ward, supposedly get attacked by a creeping A henchman wrapped up in Invisible Man bandages, and the Liars started heading in the right direction rather than their finding the wrong direction and shuffling that way—is the start of better things.

NOTES

– There were some very Aria moments this episode: (1) She doesn't know what attorney/client privilege is, but she knows she has to pay Veronica any amount of money to get it; (2) she didn't seem to understand that impeding the police investigation of a murder could lead to some serious repercussions; (3) she can't be bothered with Spanish; (4) she's a high school senior who can't name the three branches of government; and (5) she wants to pay Cyrus money that no one has.

– PLL's writing team and Sasha Pieterse are doing a bang-up job of transitioning Alison from Mean Girl to Contrite and Broken Girl. Of course, it all hinges on whether Alison is actually a sociopath. But in any case, the range is being recognized.

– An Anna Karenina joke about how long it takes to read that book? Has someone been following my GoodReads posts lamenting Levin mowing lawns?

– Andrew wants to take Aria to see All the President's Men. "It's a thriller about getting secret messages from a shadowy figure who knows everybody's secrets." (1) A little on-the-nose, and (2) Aria would have no interest in seeing that movie. It's in color.

– I don't care for Colin.

– Talia split up with Eric. Emily invited Talia to her house to crash until she gets on her feet. I get that Emily is basically Rosewood's patron saint but, like, there's no thought to how that's just them playing House?

– Talia, after watching Emily perform a slinky dance routine: "No one works that hard just for the money." Was she saying that no one dances provocatively just for the money?

– Funny of the episode goes to the nurse at the burn ward: "Next time, wear pants."

– Ashley is engaged. I'm just as lukewarm. Though I wouldn't say that I'm putting the "luke" in "lukewarm" because that's not a thing people say.

– Your Moment of A: The Bible passage which A is bookmarking with $20 bills is Deuteronomy 32:35, which seems similar to Romans 12:19 ("Vengeance is mine; I will repay," a.k.a. the epigraph for Anna Karenina) and Ezekiel 25:17 ("I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger," a.k.a. Jules' biblical lesson from Pulp Fiction). All of which are about not taking our own vengeance and leaving it up to a higher authority to sort out. So the moral of the story is that no one on PLL takes any lessons from context.

What did you think of "Bloody Hell"?