Reign "Drawn and Quartered" Review: The Ol' Good King/Bad Queen Routine

Reign S02E02: "Drawn and Quartered"

Yo, "Drawn and Quartered" was like Game of Thrones. It went deep and got really complex, with tense political intrigue at its center, personal relationship dynamics ramping up on all sides, and a startling tinge of the supernatural at the end. The pace slowed to make room for incredible scenes that established the newcomers and gave weight to some new directions for our mains (like Queen Catherine's bloody cuticles!!), plus we got to see a stone sarcophagus with Alan Van Sprang's likeness on it, which I would bid the hell out of on eBay.

The episode also reunited Mary and Francis at long last, but of course Francis came back to court with an entourage of the purest drama.

Not only was Francis packing Lola and her baby, he was also accompanied by Lord Narcisse and Lord Conde, straight off their glamping sesh in the woods.

Mary's feelings on this score seemed very reasonable: "She's my friend, the baby's yours, be a dad to him, but please please please don't make things weird by publicly proclaiming him Officially My Side Chick's Kid." This was very understandable, stance-wise! Mary is facing international pressure to have a baby, and Francis recognizing an illegitimate son would not only call her fertility into question, it would also provide an alternate claim to her kid's throne someday. And, frankly, Francis wasn't exactly being the most sensitive husband, monologuing expansively about his recently unlocked fatherhood feels.

Also, remember that awful dude Mary locked in a cellar to die of the plague last week? Well, his dad Lord Narcisse is basically the General Mills of France, and he went full Angela Lansbury on his son's mysterious death in the cellars of the castle until he found a witness to Mary's harsh, hasty justice from last week.

Narcisse rounded up the nobles to corner King Francis and demand that he put Nostradamus to death for misdiagnosing his son, sinisterly emphasizing that this was a "no buts" type of situation.

Meanwhile, Catherine, who'd discovered that Nostradamus had given her Fake Plague last week, wasn't ready to intercede on behalf of her favorite vizier; instead, she chose to stand by and make this a "learning moment" for the royal couple.

But while Francis was ready to play nice with Narcisse to keep the cereal and muffins flowing, Mary was having none of it. She grasped what Francis apparently could not: that if you give these bitches an inch, they'll take a mile. "Then let them watch you, and you be above reproach," she snarled. "This was my mistake, and I'll fix it." Shivers. SHIVERS!!! Mary has no regrets and no fear in her heart. She is fixing all of Fronch politics behind the scenes like Olivia Pope in a prom gown, and that's exactly what I love to see.

So Mary privately confronted Lord Narcisse, laying it all out on the table and basically saying, "Okay, yes: I killed your son, but let's be real, he was a real P.O.S."

Though he was well abreast of his son's shittiness, Narcisse was still thirsting for vengeance. Since he couldn't demand Mary's death, he'd do the next best thing: remove a certain loyal vizier from court, which would effectively discourage anyone from being loyal to her in the future because obviously she'd appear to be as effective in shielding her friends as a piece of cardboard against a chainsaw. This scene was a great introduction to Narcisse as a savvy, ruthless politico who radiates Lannister vibes in the best way.

Meanwhile, poor Peppercorn/Castleroy was grieving his daughter Yvette via lashing out against Leith, who he blamed for her death. Like a parent hacking into your Facebook account and posting on your wall that you're grounded because of what you did at Carl's party, Castleroy completely shamed Greer by letting Leith know that she'd told him everything about their last conversation, and she had spun Leith as a crazy stalker who was dating Yvette just to get close to her. Greer had thrown Leith under the bus, and now Leith knew it; she looked like a jealous, two-faced crazy person with an angry dad for a fiancé.

BTW, this is exactly what happens in high school if you try to keep a cutie on reserve and play it off to your boyfriend like the cutie is just crazy: It will blow up in your face as soon as they get in the same room together. Luckily, Greer was wearing a really nice cape with a flawless blowout when she emerged, whereas the rest of us mere mortals would probably have on leggings, no makeup, and a messy bun when shit went down, trust.

Speaking of awkward, painful love triangles: In the midst of scurrying to protect Sexy Nostradamus from being turned into Sexy Nostranuggets and defend Francis's sovereignty, Mary was faced with gushing new mom Lola.

Lola crossed a line here, but I have to say that Mary has handled everything with the baby hyper-well. I've been saying this since Olivia, but one of the things I love most about the character of Mary is that she never gets jealous or competitive about "other women" in Francis's life. She doesn't try to control other women to moderate Francis's behavior; he's responsible for his reactions, turn off the Jolene and don't allow yourself to be railroaded into competing with every likable lady who crosses your path, and amen to that. Mary is honest and vulnerable about being hurt by the situation, but she won't let it come between her and Lola. I mean, I let it come between me and Lola because LOLA I SEE YOU!! You know what you did. But I love that Mary doesn't share my poor attitude in that respect, at all.

Meanwhile the clock was ticking for poor Nostradamus, who had the scene of a lifetime with Catherine. Because his allegiance had shifted to Mary, Catherine was making zero moves to stay his execution. She was basically like, "Enjoy heaven."

So Nostradamus let it drop that, well, mmmmmaybe Clarissa is alive and mmmmaybe the prophecy of her firstborn dying has therefore not been fulfilled, and oops, whoops what maybe Francis will die! We watched in real time as Catherine became completely unmoored, like a kite with its string cut. Without Nostradamus her sense of certainty would vanish, and something would need to fill that vacuum... hopefully Wicca.

Meanwhile, after a little trench-grave sleuthing from Bash and some inside information from Lola, plus staying sharp when grilling Narcisse, Mary had pieced together some possible leverage: Narcisse's asshole son had poisoned the Verlands not because of some paltry affair, but because Narcisse and Verland were embezzling funds meant for the Vatican and had killed a cardinal to cover their tracks. Getting rid of Lord Verland was Narcisse's way of gaining absolute security over that information. Unfortunately, Mary had no way to prove it, as the priest did not feel secure about coming forward, can't imagine why.

Greer also made a quick run to Leith's estate to explain the awkwardness that'd transpired earlier. She admitted that she'd thrown him under the bus, but only because it was obvious to Castleroy that she was weirdly jealous of him, in a kind of subtextual, "So maybe I still liiiike you maybe" sort of way, and Leith was like, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

THESE TWO!!! Remember when they used to make pancakes in the kitchen and go on picnics? Oh Lord, they've grown so jaded and world-weary! They've gone from, like, Pretty in Pink to The English Patient and I am loving it.

Seconds before Nostradamus was executed, and I mean SECONDS—the horses were snorting and stomping and ready to turn Nostradamus into Nostra-niblets—Mary came running up and halted the execution. She told Lord Narcisse that she'd found Verland's confession and sent it straight to the Vatican... but then Francis popped up, confession in hand, and informed her that he'd intercepted her letters and he'd had just about had enough of her interfering, instructing her to go back to their chamber, all of which Lord Narcisse was clearly loving.

Lord Narcisse agreed that if Francis burned the letter he'd spare Nostradamus's life, Francis burned the letter, ducked behind a wall, and he and Mary basically did a little celebratory cupid shuffle. Yes, their argument had all been an elaborate Good King/Bad Queen routine that allowed them to successfully leverage a handful of forged letters to get what they wanted. It was kind of completely delightful, and between this moment and Mary saying Francis should recognize Lola's son and she will try and open her heart to him too, well, it made me feel like maybe the kids are gonna be alright. Maybe the kid world leaders are going to be just fine.

It was looking like a happy ending for everybody, except Leith: Lord Narcisse wanted SOMETHING in exchange for his son's life, and that turned out to be Leith's beloved patch of land. Leith was called back to court, just as Castleroy was headed out of town, leaving Greer with the relationship status of "It's Complicated." So that is going to be quite awesome, Greer and Leith thrown together at court constantly while secretly hating each other but secretly loving each other even more. Countdown to stolen kisses? Oh I think we can set our countdown clocks to "stolen kisses."

So now we had Mary and Francis holding it down flawlessly, a Greith reunion on the horizon, everything was coming up Milhouse, and then holy shit suddenly this came out of nowhere:

Imagine you're a young king and suddenly a buxom woman starts speaking in the voice of your angry, departed father like Sexy Hamlet. Literally nothing is scarier. The door to death is standing open and King Henry is back!!! And busty!!! Can it be next Thursday already?!

QUESTIONS:

... Mary being so cool about Lola's baby is amazing, but can it last forever? What happens when international baby pressure starts getting real?

... Is this the end of Sexy Nostradamus, or will he return to court in a blaze of glory/via Clarissa's hidey hole tunnels?

... Does Conde's stark black leather jacket possibly signal secret Protestant leanings, or just a fondness for severe fashion?

... Have you ever "pulled a Greer" and gotten caught trying to be all things to two men at the same time?

... Would you feel comfortable letting the ghost of a murdered king babysit your child? What if he was very busty?

... How many people have you commanded to watch Reign Season 1 on Netflix so that you'll be caught up and you can watch Season 2 together?