Reign "Tasting Revenge" Review: Hustle and Flow

Reign S02E16: "Tasting Revenge"

Royals, was that enough drama for your mama? Even if your mama is a full-on, no-holds-barred, unapologetically thirsty drama addict, I suspect that Reign's latest episode, "Tasting Revenge," certainly overwhelmed her drama threshold. I don't know how I survived the last few weeks without my Reign, but its return heralded major milestones for all our characters and included some very dynamic cinematography: characters were tracked rounding corners in the castle and meeting in free-standing village markets, making this episode as easy as the eyes as it was hard-hitting in the plot department.

Before we get into discussing it, though, can we all agree that when we discuss TV characters, we leave our workaday morality at the door? Because let's be real: TV characters are under no obligation to behave correctly. Frequently, I see comments about what is and is not morally correct and why such-and-such character is wrong for whatever choice he or she has made, and let me tell you, a show about people doing what they "should" do is about as entertaining as watching beige paint dry. The only behavior that's taboo for TV characters is being boring. To grow to love a character and then watching that character get involved in harrowingly dramatic relationship configurations and meet new people and make bold (and even terrible) decisions and break people's hearts and then pull themselves back together... that's what drama is all about, and drama is certainly what "Tasting Revenge" was all about. Starting with a roundup of all the hoes in Fronce.

Can we discuss how families gussying up their daughters and parading them in front of a sovereign like some sort of eroticized beauty pageant is not even a slight exaggeration of history? A king was considered a true eccentric if he didn't have an official Side Piece. For Francis's very special Birthday Wine Vintage De-Corking, every eligible girl in Fronce wanted to get in his pants. And Mary was like, "Have at it, like I give a shit I'm gonna go worship at the altar of Saint Serafina, and what?"

Hahaha oooh poor Francis. While Francis was trying to greet guests without bursting into tears, Mary and Conde were secretly rendezvousing in the emptied wine cellar, where Conde told Mary he'd made up his mind to accompany her to Scotland! Meanwhile, party-planner Kenna was fielding some follow-up questions from King Antoine: Like, was she going to marry him or what? Didn't she want a tiny crown she could wear all the time, like the tiny crown he wears all the time? To be fair, he said a lot of nice things. Obviously he really "gets" Kenna and loves her almost as much as I do.

Meanwhile, Greer was training her hoes in the fine art of the hustle, when Leith knocked at her door! FINALLY! At first, Greer tried to play it off like she wasn't a lady pimp, although by the end of the episode she would be fully regulating a john in full view of a village square while Leith looked on in horror.

Leith had news that was probably only upsetting to me: Pepperpot is in jail five-ever. Technically he should've been sentenced to death, but wasn't. Greer is like 99 percent a widow. "Make of that what you will," Leith seemed to say. "Just keep in mind anything you need—money, apples, sexual gratification—because I'm here for you."

By the end of the hour the two were in each other's arms and it was perfect. HOW LONG HAD WE WAITED FOR THIS MOMENT? Greer and Leith's romance has been slow-burning since, like, Episode 2, and I'm sure Greer would agree that nothing sweetens a lifetime of poverty like finally getting to make out with your forbidden crush.

I'm so happy these two are together. Reign puts an emphasis on illustrating how crazy and complex relationships can be, how they can ebb and flow. How sometimes our story with another person will arc through time and circumstance and be tested and changed and yet still, the connection continues burning below the surface through it all, uniting us again and again, regardless of better or worse or wrong or right. I think Greer and Leith perfectly illustrate this concept. Also I love Greer being a madam, and how she's finding it fulfilling as a career, and I just want more of this whole storyline, please.

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Meanwhile, Narcisse's niece Lady Emily was NOT taking no for an answer.

It's hard to condemn Francis for a fling now that Mary has told him in no uncertain terms that she wants to break up while remaining married. And in a cabin with 300 candles not too far away, Mary and Conde had started planning their Scottish trip and were joyfully necking.

Again, I know a lot of viewers want to condemn Mary for losing her affection for Francis. Let's remember a couple things: 1) By our modern standards, Mary is at that age where you SHOULD want to "see other people." 2) The high stakes of royal extramarital affairs have not banished them from the Earth's surface in any era, not even ones with the existence of phone-tapping technology (holla, Prince Charles!).

It was genuinely nice to see Mary crack a smile and even engage in a joyful little snow fight, but in the midst of their giddy frolick, Conde and Mary were spotted by a woman in a statement cloak, and wouldn't you know, she was a spy for Antoine.

Conde had blown off his meeting with an envoy for Queen Elizabeth to hang out with Mary, and now his brother was SO MAD, all like, "I shall not rest until we are BOTH KINGS who wear VERY FANCY COATS," and Conde was like, "Dude I don't want your life, stop." Older siblings can be so bossy. Conde had to basically tell Mary they couldn't kiss anymore or his older brother would have him killed, and Mary was like, "Well, sounds about right, FML."

Meanwhile, Lola was advising Francis to let Mary get buck wild with Conde.

I SEE YOU, LOLA. Wait no. DO I see you, Lola? This was actually a loyal from Lola, sort of? I'm so confused. Catherine has been steadily encouraging Lola to step into the role of Official Mistress, and Francis let her know she was his No. 2 Best Lady in the castle, but Lola has actually had Mary's back, both by encouraging Francis to let Mary pursue Conde and by insisting that one day, Mary would return to Francis. Hella selfless, Lola. Maybe I misjudged you.

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Elsewhere, the Queen of Navarre had turned up. You know, the one who was supposed to be so sick? Well, apparently her illness involved swallowing a baby because she was major pregs. Kenna was like, "I thought your wife was sick," and Antoine was like, "She still is that's why I wanted her to come here and meet you because you'll be raising her baby," and Kenna was like, "Wrong answer, butthole, I invited her as a matter of fact," and I was like, "DANG."

It was one of those moments where a character plays to the height of his or her intelligence. Kenna wasn't going to take Antoine's word for it that his wife was at death's door. She wanted to know the woman's status, and Facebook was not in effect, so she invited her over for a visit to the court. Brilliant, really. However, Kenna learned that Antoine had no intention of marrying her; he'd merely been seducing her with lies and telling her anything that would make her more likely to have sex with him. BECAUSE SOME GUYS ARE LIKE THAT, ALL THE TIME, WITH ALL THE GIRLS, FOR REAL. Seriously, watch your back.

Antoine retaliated by handing over the letter she'd written to his queen to Bash, and when Bash asked Kenna why she'd invited the queen to court, the truth came out.

Wooof. Both Kenna and Mary have attempted this complete honesty in their marriages, and it's sort of bit them in the ass. Although I guess Mary being honest about wanting Conde's bod kind of worked out for her, as Francis consented to her pursuing an affair. I have to say, I have never been a Frary Godmother, per se, but this moment made me genuinely love Francis the most and the best. There was something about the performance here specifically, Toby Regbo gave Francis this interplay of anger and sadness and transcendence that was really sophisticated and great. Well done, sir.

Mary seemed pretty overjoyed that Francis was willing to look the other way, and was even willing to postpone her Scotland cruise, but Conde was (understandably) more wary: Francis was not in a jealous mood tonight. What did that have to do with tomorrow? But he did have a parting gift for the nefarious Antoine when Antoine made basically the same point about Mary (she loves you... now): five across the eyes.

This punch was so vicious and unexpected I actually laughed out loud. Is that normal? I'm not a violent person. I just love a crisp, unapologetic face punch (when it's not happening in real life).

STILL, even after this chivalrous cold cock, just moments later we learned that Conde was receiving the English envoy and pursuing a royal courtship with Queen Elizabeth after all! What!? Who?! How?! Why?!

Clearly everyone might be making huge mistakes right now: Lola might be making a mistake in not making a play for Francis. Kenna might be making a mistake in telling Bash the truth, and he is certainly punishing her for to be honest. Francis might've already made a terrible mistake in allowing Mary to pursue Conde, and Mary might be breaking her own heart by trusting Conde at the cost of her marriage. And that makes all of these characters more vulnerable; their mistakes are raising the stakes, and that means more DRAMA. It's enough to satisfy even for the most demanding of mamas.

QUESTIONS:

... WTF Conde?! What is he doing with Queen Elizabeth?! Is this some plan to help Mary or is he being super wily or what?!

... Francis: the best?

... Bash: needs to calm his tits?

... Greer and Leith: YES or SUPER YES?