New Wife, Old Kids, Rocky Relationships

04/06/2007 – DEAR MARGO: I feel like I need to spill to someone, and you are always so level-headed and down to earth. I actually have two questions. I married a wonderful man who has two children from his previous marriage. Currently his kids are 18 and 19. Neither has actually lived full time with him since he divorced their mother.

His daughter just gave birth a week before her 18th birthday. She dropped out of school at 15 and has been living with a male (I cannot bring myself to say man) who's in his early 20s.

We are 90 percent sure that she's been having a sexual relationship with him since she was 13 or 14, as he was living with her and her mother at that time. My husband's relationship with her is that she only contacts him when she wants something or when she is trying to annoy her mother.

At this point, he is unsure what to do about their relationship. Should he just write her off, continue as is, or sit down and explain to her why he is disappointed and ask what they can do to repair their relationship?

My other question is, how do I deal with it? I do not like the way either of his children treats him. I know that in the past he has not been the "world's greatest dad," but it kills me to see them treat him like he is the crazy relative they must visit from time to time.

--- EVIL STEPMOTHER

DEAR EVE: Reading between the lines, my guess is that your husband's ex made it quite clear to their children that he left the family for you. His daughter sounds particularly snotty to him, so I would recommend combining two of your possible approaches.

First, he should ask if anything can be done to improve the relationship, and let her know that he does not appreciate being seen as a cash register. If things don't get better, then he can consider writing her off until she changes her tune.

As for how you deal with it: If he deals with it, he will have settled things for both of you.

--- MARGO, PROACTIVELY

The Heart Has Its Reasons

DEAR MARGO: You recently said it might be all right to check a spouse's e-mail. To make a long story short, I discovered my husband was having an affair with a former co-worker. I confronted him and gave him an ultimatum: me or her. He called her in front of me and broke it off.

He insists he wants to stay with me and start anew. For some reason, I felt able to forgive and move on, but will I ever trust again? I want answers about where, when and why. Does she e-mail him at work now? If he's late, did they meet for a drink? I don't like feeling this way.

What do I do now?

--- MRS. R.

DEAR MRS.: The story so far sounds quite hopeful. You caught him, you confronted him, and he begged forgiveness. (And it couldn't have been easy to call Jezebel in your presence.)

When you say that "for some reason" you felt able to forgive, I suspect the reason was your heart. It is likely you will trust him again, but of course it will take time.

And do yourself a favor: Don't push for details. You don't need the mental pictures to obsess about. If you're going to give him a new start, do it wholeheartedly.

My view is that if a guy is sincere and knows that he is, in the wonderful phrase of Harry Hurt III, living in "Chateau Bow Wow," he will find a way to raise your comfort level. Good luck.

--- MARGO, OPTIMISTICALLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.

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