What to Do When Your Neuroses Clash

08/02/2007 – DEAR MARGO: I am engaged to be married to a man whom I love very much, but there is one problem. He is a hypochondriac. When he wakes up every day, something new hurts. (He's 28!) He either has some terrible "virus" or his stomach hurts. This has happened nearly every day for two and a half years. To make matters worse, I have been in counseling for being a "germaphobe." Every time he feels "nauseated," I almost have an anxiety attack, as I fear it is something contagious.

My question is, how can I help him to feel better or to curb his dramatic flare? Is there really something wrong with him? (He never goes to the doctor.) It's getting increasingly frustrating and I can't imagine living with all his "germs" for the rest of my life.

--- "SICK OF IT" IN MISSOURI

DEAR SICK: I am actually quite sympathetic to you and your fiance because I am both a hypochondriac and a germaphobe. Fortunately for me, I am married to a physician who I have been known to awaken in the middle of the night to take my pulse.

The thing is, I know I am hypochondriacal, and that knowledge helps me make my own dire diagnosis, then forget it. Your approach, I think, should be to listen sympathetically to the beloved's latest imagined disease and then suggest he visit a doctor. He won't, and when he lives to see another day, he will move on to the next ailment.

As for you, try to look at things this way: If his germs are imaginary, you can't catch them.

--- MARGO, CALMINGLY

All in the Family

DEAR MARGO: I am 22 years old and have been married for a little more than four years. We have a 2-year-old son and a decent life together. However, for the past couple years we have been in kind of a rut; we have almost no time together because of our work schedules (he works nights, and I work days), and I'm beginning to wonder if maybe we didn't rush into things when we married after knowing each other for only eight months.

He has started talking about all the trips he would like to take and all the things he would like to do that do not include me, and to make matters worse, I recently started a friendship with his older brother that I think is beginning to head in a direction other than friendship.

I guess what I'm asking is, when do you just stop pretending and pull the plug?

--- LONESOME AND DISCOURAGED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR LONE: Woo woo woo, the brother, yet. (Let us hope he's not married, too.) If you do wind up with his older brother, that may well blow the family apart . . . but, of course, you know that.

The real issue, as I see it, is deciding if your marriage is, in fact, going nowhere. The regret, on both sides, not to mention your husband talking about his 7-year itch and his desire to do solo things, is not a good sign for connubial longevity.

It would be best for you -- if you decide to end the marriage -- that you do it before you strike up the band with the brother. There will be less emotional shrapnel flying around that way.

--- MARGO, SENSIBLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.

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