Say Cheese . . . But Keep Your Clothes On

11/08/2007 – DEAR MARGO: I recently broke up with my boyfriend of four years. We parted on good terms and remain friends. Once, when we were intimate, we captured ourselves on film, with the understanding that the pictures would be promptly deleted. He assured me he had done this. Occasionally, when he goes away on business trips, I'll check on his house and cat for him. I've done this for years . . . checked his mail, fed the cat. Recently, I don't know what compelled me, but I began to search specifically for those photos. I found them, along with others (not me). I was hurt, shocked, mad -- everything at once.

I have not told him I know about them, and I actually left them as I found them. I'm torn between taking them and destroying them, or leaving them and pretending I didn't see them. I don't want him to feel I violated his privacy, yet I definitely want them gone and I'd like to tell him where they went. I'm afraid to have them around, and the agreement was that they would be destroyed.

What's the right thing to do?

--- CHAGRINED AND DISAPPOINTED

DEAR CHAG: He broke his word to you, therefore you may remove the pictures from his stash with a clear conscience. There is no need for an announcement, either. If he is in the habit of looking at these, uh, keepsakes, he will know immediately where they went, and why.

For any qualms you might have, look at the situation as your personal, pictorial version of copyright law. Just consider that you own your own image and reclaimed it because he proved himself untrustworthy. The worst that can happen is that you won't get to feed the cat.

--- MARGO, ACCEPTABLY

When the Pastor Is a Registered Sex Offender

DEAR MARGO: I live in a small town with one church of my denomination. One of the pastors of this church is on the national registered sex offenders list. I'm not a native of this town, so I don't know the facts of why he's on the list. I have no idea whom I would ask -- or even if I should ask someone. I don't want to gossip about a pastor.

I attend church in another town because I don't feel comfortable at the one in my town. Whenever friends or family come to visit, they want to go to the closer church. I've never told anyone the reason I don't go there, but I'm sure that, to locals, this is not a secret.

Should I tell visitors or someone new to town that a certain person is a registered sex offender, without knowing what their offense was? Maybe it wasn't that bad . . . maybe it was a long time ago and he's paid his debt to society. Maybe he just got caught peeing in public and doesn't deserve to have people judging him.

Should I keep quiet and hope that new people will find out, on their own, like I did?

--- WANTING TO DO THE RIGHT THING

DEAR WANT: I would go to a deacon of the church, or someone who has more responsibilities than a regular congregant. Because you are not a hometown girl, it would be perfectly acceptable to say you have questions about the pastor being on the national sex offenders list. There might be a plausible explanation . . . or this man may have no business leading a congregation.

You need not be shy about your inquiry. You may, in fact, be performing a public service, should this fact be either unknown or rationalized because a few people think he's a nice guy.

--- MARGO, ENCOURAGINGLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.

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